After Combat class, Ilami avoided Felaris’s death stare and went to the Serra dormitory. Not many students were Serra-blessed, so the place was the smallest of the four House dormitories. It was located at the bottom right side of the castle near the lake. As she entered the balcony, the scent of salt and fresh water greeted her; the air cooled down a little. She was sure all of these were done with magic - perhaps the older students had cast blood spells on this place. She didn’t see magical triggers around, but perhaps it was safer that way. Triggers were valuable enough to be stolen.
After passing through a handful of rooms, she recognized one belonging to Aleveri and knocked the door. Before a second passed, it swung open, revealing a black-haired girl wearing a loose spectacles. Aleveri quickly adjusted it and beamed. ‘Ilami!’
Ilami gave a slight smile. ‘Hey, Aleveri. Can I come in?’
‘Of course you can!’ The door opened wider. ‘My roommate isn’t here right now so you can make her bed like it’s yours.’
I hope the roommate, whoever she is, is fine with it, Ilami thought as she entered the room.
As expected, half of it was tidy. Ilami assumed the neat one belonged to Aleveri. The white blanket was folded and placed on the pillow of the bed, which was without a crumpleand attached to the wall. At its side was a table with a cupboard, and at the the foot of it was the wardrobe. Stationary things were placed at the corner of the table and the wardrobe shone as if it was a new furniture. The other half of the room contained the same furniture and bed, but less tidy.
Aleveri watched her roommate’s bed as she sat on her bed. ‘Yeah, I think she’d be fine. With the state of her bed, she won’t even notice a difference to it.’ She turned to Ilami. ‘So! Why do you want to meet?’ She patted the bed.
Ilami sat beside her. ‘I want you to come with me to visit someone. He’s at the medical room.’
Aleveri gasped, reacting with ease. ‘The medical room - why? Who’s this guy, and why he’s there?’ She clutched her hands a sign Ilami had come to learn that signified her rising curiosity.
Ilami shook her head slightly. ‘No one special. I found him beaten up by Baris - yeah, the one who tried to trip me - and saved him. He was too beaten to take regular ointment, so I took him to the medical room. His name is Gael Xikara. He’s in the same year with us and -’
‘Gael Xikara?’ Aleveri frowned. ‘The spectacles boy who thinks he’s the smartest person alive? That Gael?’
Ilami didn’t expect Aleveri to know Gael, much less this kind of reaction from her. She cleared her throat. ‘I think so. Look, he did me a favor - told me the spell I’d worked out on my own was incorrect - and asked if I could teach him to fight. In exchange for more correct spells.’ She didn’t know why she had to defend herself, but Aleveri made her feel guilty. Strange, that. Since the day she killed the man, she’d never feel guilty.
Aleveri opened her mouth, trying to say something, before closing it. She adjusted her seat. ‘You can ask me, you know.’
‘It wasn’t planned,’ Ilami said. ‘I needed to use an offensive spell and he happened to be someone who could notice whether it was complete or not. Are you coming with me or not?’ She rose and gave a mental head shake. She didn’t have any reason to be defensive.
Aleveri sighed. ‘Okay, fine. It must’ve been bad if he has to get into the medical room.’
Ilami only raised her eyebrow to that. After they left the dormitory, they ascended to the second floor. The medical section of the castle was positioned there as it was close to House Serra. According to Aleveri, Serra-blessed students were the best in healing spells, so they could assist the healers there if need be. the medical floor had a distinct scent to it. Clean, yes, but also reek of the slight bitter stink of a medicine. The interior was painted white.
They passed the balcony to a room labeled 12. When they entered, sky blue curtains hiding beds met them. Ilami crossed to the end side of the room and opened the curtain at her left. Behind it was Gael and most of his body parts were wrapped by bandages. Another student was also there sitting beside him wearing a sleeveless blue tunic, showing his muscular arms.
He looked at Ilami, void of expression. ‘Gael told me what you’d done to him yesterday. I’m grateful for your help.’ His attention shifted to Gael. ‘I should’ve been with him. Shouldn’t have left him alone.’
‘You should be with him,’ Ilami said, nodding, unaware of the effect her words had. ‘Without the blessing, Gael can’t protect himself. Yet.’
Hearing that, Gael glanced at the boy, a silent tension shared between them. ‘Ilami, this is Haka, my best friend. Haka, this is Ilami.’ He looked behind Ilami and his face broke into a smile. ‘Is that - Aleveri?’
Aleveri stepped forward, a frown on her face. She folded her arms. ‘Don’t you dare fake your cheeriness upon seeing me, Gael Xikara. I would not let my academy rival to fool me.’
Gael chuckled. ‘It’s nice seeing you too. It seems like you’re a friend of Ilami. I’m glad both of you come.’ Aleveri looked away. ‘Unfortunately, it’ll be harder for me to teach you the spells, Ilami.’
Ilami sat on the chair beside Haka. ‘You don’t have to teach me now. It’s best for you to heal fully before that. I’ve heard the Quasar had the best tutor-healers here. I’m pretty sure you’d recover after three days time.’
Aleveri moved closer to Gael and touched the bandage on his arm slowly. Her gaze was thoughtful. ‘The wounds are too recent. No wonder they haven’t called me yet.’
‘What do you mean?’ Ilami asked.
Haka looked up to Aleveri. ‘You’re a Serra-blessed. You think you can heal him?’
‘I don’t think I can heal him. I know I can.’ Aleveri raised her other hand and used both of them to rub Gael’s arm. ‘My full name is Aleveri Uora. The members from House Uora are known for their remarkable healing ability. I’m no exception. An added blessing from Serra, I would say.’
She stopped rubbing Gael’s arm and closed her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she chanted. ‘Serris, cesat micimia. Bleeze, mivat miderizia. Bice mirakizia, bice gentis. Riti daris chengis et daris bifa. Risti dar hasbi an star dar hasbi dimiga.’ * She repeated the chanting a few times. As she spoke, her hands glowed blue and the smell of ocean suddenly spread from her. Blue lines emerged from her hands and traveled through Gael’s body, prompting Gael to close his eyes as if he was enjoying what he felt.
Then, it stopped. Aleveri was about to drop her head on Gael’s arms when Ilami and Haka held her shoulders. She smiled weakly as they put her sitting on a chair. ‘It’s a bit exhausting using an advanced spell on severe injuries. How do you feel?’
Gael opened his eyes. ‘Better. There’s a strange sensation inside me, but it feels good. Thank you.’
Aleveri nodded, satisfied. ‘I’m accelerating your healing. The effect would last between six to twelve hours, depending on how damaged your body is. They’d call me to do this later anyway, so it’s better to do it now.’
Haka looked at Aleveri and Ilami. ‘I’m now in more debts from both of you. If you need any help from me, just say it, and I will help.’
‘It’s nothing, really,’ Aleveri said.
Ilami glanced at her. It seemed like there was more to Aleveri than what she had seen. Before, Ilami had thought of her as a typical honest, smart person, but with this new revelation, she showed more of herself. How she didn’t let rivalry to stop her from doing what was right, even if that meant risking herself in the process. Ilami respected that. She wasn’t experienced in choosing friends, but she knew her first selection had been proven to be more than correct.
She looked at Haka and Gael. If she wanted to face people like Felaris and Baris, she had to prepare herself with some reliable friends.
* Translated from Natural language: Water, come at my command. Blood, move at my desire. Become miracle, become gentle. Return what is changed to what it is before. Restore what has been lost and stop what has been damaging.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This seemed to be the close of perhaps the first sort of arc of this story, with all the major cast of "villains' being introduced and now the "heroes" all having met each other with the idea of friendship at least flourishing in Ilami's mind.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh...this is an interesting continuation here. I think we're possibly going to continue with the general theme of relaxation so that's awesome, we do really need a slower paced chapter to process all of what's been revealed in the previous parts so far. We're also getting some more neat little details about the place and I love seeing that.
Hmm...well it appears Aleveri and Ilami are proper friends if its gotten this far by now. Looks like the week or so in the academy has been enough for them to become good friends...which is a probably a very good thing for Ilami especially because of the aforementioned death stares by Felaris.
That's a nice little description there to set this stage. I have a feeling maybe this is going to more of a common meeting area for them considering how much detail you seem to have put into it. It seems like a good place to talk anyway.
Ooh Ilami being able to understand here gestures already is pretty interesting. Either Ilami is very observant naturally, or they've become basically best friends already, cause I don't think they've been friends long enough for this sort of gesture to be noticed otherwise.
Hmm...so...that sounds like maybe Gael has a bit of a reputation there, perhaps the librarian's reaction from earlier was an extension of this whole "Smartest person alive' situation. I get the feeling that maybe Aleveri isn't his biggest fan so this should be interesting. Also Ilami not wanting to go there by herself is a smart move, although I guess the medical area should be a safe enough spot to be in if Felaris attempts to kill her...unless its like an immediately lethal attack.
Hmm....well Aleveri appears to be politely trying to say that Ilami should maybe stay away from the person. The explanation for the spell being something she developed on her own is a nice touch, cause earlier I was worried about why she'd have made that mistake if someone taught it to her.
The fact that Aleveri goes along with here despite her clear dislike of the situation is quite interesting to see. It reinforces the fact that they are already pretty good friends here...and who knows, maybe Ilami can change Aleveri's mind about Gael.
Well...first of all, that's a pretty nice description for the medical area. I like how there's some extra detail being put into why the medical area is positioned where it is. It makes the worldbuilding seeing that much better when you do it that way. Also looks like the injuries that Gael should've suffered from the way in which he was beaten are in fact present here...which is basically him being completely unable to move. Also it appears that Haka is here...I see we're drawing attention to his muscles once again, I wonder if that's supposed to be an important trait about him somehow?
Wow, Ilami is being very to the point on that particular one there..that can come off as a little bit agressive if it wasn't for the other taking it so well..anyone who was a bit more sensitive than Haka would've lashed out a bit in defence at that but now, I think Haka does blame himself quite a bit for what happened to Gael and what happened is pretty severe.
OOOh...that makes it a much more interesting dynamic that what I was afraid of at first. I was imagining it was some kind of situation where Gael perhaps has a bit of an ego when it comes to his studies and so insults the others, now it seems they are simply academic rivals and its more friendly than not...so that's good to see, now I'm imagining that maybe this will become our gang of protagonists here.
Well...someone's focused on keeping his promise there...I don't think Ilami would've expected Gael to start teaching her right away with all of the injuries that she saw he'd sustained.
Oooh, that took a direction I didn't expect it to be taking, but this could actually end up being a very useful thing here, cause with the sort of things this gang is bound to run into later into the story, having someone who knows will be essential
Oooh, I'm loving those little details you've put into the worldbuilding of this story and with the magic system. There seems to be quite a lot of work behind it, and I love seeing that sort of thing in a story. The description of the magic here is also really well done
Well that was rather nic of her to do there. Despite that bit of rivalry they have going on, it seems like she's got no actual feelings of hatred or anything of the sort towards Gael and is just a nice person in general.
Hmm...well, this was a pretty fitting end there to this. Ilami pretty much sums up what I believe just happened, which is the start of a wonderful group of friends that will possibly carry this story as we go forward.
Hmm the spells are quite long and descriptive in this system, I wonder how this would then apply to combat, if there aren't particularly fast ways to cause damage. It certainly makes for an interesting system, I think I'm gonna enjoy seeing more of it as the story goes on.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think this was a much needed sort of resting chapter and now I'm very excited to see what the next chapter may have in store for us. This is really going along nicely so far.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello again! I think this will be my last one for today
Okay, so my confusion in Ch. 4 was that I thought Alyosha was Aleveri’s brother. I obviously read that wrong. So now I get why Felaris has an issue with Ilami and why she's out for Ilami. I'm no longer worried about too much going on. Felaris's storyline is definitely important, but I still standby what I said in that chapter about streamlining.
For this chapter, I liked that it was a little slower paced because after all of the intense things that have been happening in the last few chapters it's nice to slow down a little bit.
I really liked that we got to see a more human side of Ilami and that she's realized that she needs friends and friends will be helpful to her. Why is she concerned about Baris though? She scared Baris off all by herself in the last chapter. Shouldn't she be more worried about Felaris?
I also like that we're having more of an intersection between Ilami and Gael's story lines now as they have a common goal. And I like that both of their friends are coming along to help as well to unite with a common goal.
Overall, I don't have much to say about this chapter (sorry!! :p) I thought it was fine and a nice change of pace from the previous chapter while still being important because it's moving the plot forward and adding to character development.
I'll leave things there for now and come back for more soon (I won't take as long as last time I promise but please poke me again if you think I've forgotten about you!) And as always let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention!
Thanks for the review! Would you mind if I tag you for future chapters?
That would be fine! I don't have to work this week and I plan to write many reviews, so if all goes according to plan I could be all caught up by the end of the week *crosses fingers*
Hi Light.
It's been awhile and I thought I should get these caught up.
This mostly felt like one of those chapters where the author felt the need to get the team together, having all of the major characters intersect in a somewhat heart-warming scene. And the reason why this bothers me, outside of the fact it's such a popular and annoying thing in any action/adventure story, is that the heart warming part feels so distant. Like one second you have Illami's bff combating the guy lying on the hospital bed and next thing you know, she's saving him but with spite, and the good feeling just isn't there fully.
This loops back around to your character interactions not matching up sometimes, which i do attribute as a good thing, because stick a bunch of awkward teenage soldiers in a school and bad things are bound to happen.
I do like where this is going but before I get more into that, there's this line that keeps nagging me.
And it's not the only line of its kind in your chapters, just sort of sudden and not really needed for context. To me in the second where this pops up, you're describing the hospital and the clean smell and those typical aspects, so to have the color of the walls seems wrong. I might not be explaining this exact scenario quite right but it's the bigger issue of there are little things that the reader can assume, but then they get answered anyways.
Like the dialogue in the dorm room just repeated itself over and over again, until you pushed them forcefully into a new scene. It was rough. There's no other way to describe it and it bothers me as the reader, because it feels like a cheap way out to glue the plot together. And that's really not what you want me to be feeling.
Though the more I hear about the history and the powers of the characters, the more this novel interests me, and that's why I decided to pick it back up again. I skimmed some of the later chapters in the green room at different points. The main issue for me is getting over the preliminary information, which we do probably need to get the rest of the novel, but just seems to be dragging a bit too much for now.
Hey Light! I'm here as always for my review.
And I'll leave it here for now!
I like how we get to see more of the school in this chapter - it just fleshes out the world and gives it more shape and color.
Something I was wondering as I read this was how large this school is. Because if everyone in one of the 4 houses can fit in a single dormitory inside the building, then it can't have more than a few hundred students. And in a school that size, news travels. Based on what you've told us so far, I really feel like the news that Gael's been injured would already be all over the school.
Since I've been in Gael's head, Aleveri's comment about him thinking he knows everything was really funny because it's such an unexpected perspective, and I'm curious to know how that developed.
My favorite thing about this chapter is Aleveri's character development, but I feel like you went a little bit quickly from "This is Aleveri's rival" to Aleveri agreeing to help. If it's not a big deal for her, if she's just the kind of person who wouldn't leave anyone to suffer like that, then I think it makes sense and you show her attitude very well. But if this is supposed to be a sacrifice for her, if she genuinely didn't want to help but finally decided to, then it would be good for you to show more of that struggle. Remember that we readers only found out about the rivalry in this very chapter.
I'll echo BlueAfrica's critique about over-explaining yourself, though. Let the important character moments like Aleveri has here stand on their own.
The dialogue in this chapter was great - all the character's distinct voices clearly came through. However, as a whole I felt like your grammar and syntax was weaker than in previous parts. In particular, you used a lot of verb tenses incorrectly, so be careful.
I especially like the ending of the chapter, and I love how I get to see your band of characters drawing together. I'm really excited to see what this group will get up to.
Hey, Lightsong!
Nitpicks
How is she entering a balcony? They're normally just little platforms leading out from windows or doors, so I don't see how the dorm can simultaneously be a balcony. Maybe dedicate a little more time to describing it.
This makes it sound like she's been walking through people's bedrooms in order to find Aleveri's, which is a bit weird. I also think you should change the phrasing to 'she recognized the one belonging to Aleveri', because at the moment it sounds like Aleveri owns multiple rooms.
I don't think 'one' is the right word. Maybe 'side'?
The pillow was...attached to the wall? What do you mean?
'Stationary things' feels a bit imprecise and limp. 'Stationary was placed at the corner of the table' would be perfectly natural, though you could give a bit more insight into Aleveri's character if you described what particular stationary she had on display. There's a noticeable difference between someone who has tons of coloured inks with missing lids in a homemade clay pot and someone who has set squares and rulers and identical pens placed neatly in the compartments of a stationary tray. You don't have to be specific with it by any means, but it could be a neat bit of characterisation.
You can delete a few words at the end of the sentence too, as shown by the strikeouts.
I don't really get what you mean here. How do you react with ease? The fact that she's gasping suggests she isn't at ease.
1) I'm a bit confused by the implications of this. Does this mean she doesn't feel guilty about killing the man? The first few chapters seemed to suggest that she was really bothered about it.
2) Unless I've misinterpreted the meaning you're getting at, 'feel' should be 'felt'.
Because they're talking about an agreement that's already formed, I think this would be better if it was in past tense, as in:
‘You could've asked me, you know.’
Tense slippage. 'It must've been bad if he had to go to the medical room' is how it should be phrased.
'Wrapped in bandages' would be more natural.
Tense and expression. Should be something like:
'Gael told me what you did for him yesterday.
'Should have been' is more appropriate here.
Should be 'came'.
Maybe be less tell-y with this bit. It feels a bit too blatant. Maybe say that he breathes out, or that the tension lines between his brows smooth out - anything that might suggest contentment and easing pain.
Expression. 'As they helped her into a chair' might be better.
This old chestnut! You know what I'm going to say. It should be 'will'.
Expression. 'I'm indebted to both of you now' would the more natural way to say this. You could also go for something like 'I owe you both now', if you want to be a bit more casual. Haka did strike me as a bit more informal than the others.
Overall Thoughts
1) I like the ending of the chapter. It feels like things are really coming together now, and I love the strange, clinical way that Ilami regards her friend choice in the last few lines. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but there's something very in-character about the fact that Ilami is weighing up her selection of friends the way you might weigh up potential allies - it feels strategic, somehow, like Ilami doesn't really know how to be friends with people just because. It's like there has to be a practical reason.
2) You're getting better at describing the surroundings, but you fell prey to more grammar errors in this chapter than the last one. It was mostly to do with tenses. It could be because you were dealing a lot with the past perfect, which you trip up on quite often. It might be worth looking for some guides to writing in the past perfect, and maybe something about the use of 'should', as well, because you occasionally struggle with that.
3) I think you've got a good balance of character dynamics going on now, so I'm looking forward to seeing them all interact more. Like Kays, I'm hoping Haka doesn't get pushed to the sidelines, as he seems like the only one who might inject a bit of much-needed banter into the group - the others are all pretty serious. I'm also keeping my fingers crossed for some romance between Gael and Haka, as well, because I feel like the former deserves to have something nice happen to him for once!
I'll call the review here as my eyelids are drooping and I'm going to drop asleep at the keyboard any minute. I enjoyed the second half of the chapter and can't wait to see what antics these four get into. As always, I'll be eagerly anticipating the next instalment.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Wow, I'm having a really hard time reviewing this. Probably my own fault for reviewing so much today, but what can I say? The Green Room's nearly empty, which is my goal for the site for this month.
ANYWAY. One thing I liked was seeing Aleveri help heal Gael, even though she sees him as an academic rival. I like that she's able to put aside her rivalry (as long as someone's not actually bad/evil, I assume) to help someone. It's a noble characteristic and one that I think is often absent in people - unless they're the Hero of the Story. Which to be fair Aleveri might also be a viewpoint character, since I haven't read more of this and I see this chapter is labeled in Ilami's viewpoint, but at this moment, at least, Aleveri is a secondary character who's willing to help people she doesn't like. I agree with Ilami: her choice in friends is pretty darn good.
I noticed sometimes you do this kind of subtle telling, where you show us something but then kind of over-explain it. So here, for example, you've got Aleveri acting curious - gasping and then asking questions - but then you explain that she's curious. On the one hand, this moment's not too bad, because you say "a sign Ilami had come to learn signified her curiosity," which could be kind of a nice character-developing moment if Ilami is usually bad at reading people/understanding their body language. But from what I've read in this chapter, it doesn't feel like that's the case. So instead it reads like telling.
You don't have to worry about that now, but watch for it in revision. Instead of explaining how a character is feeling, let their words and actions speak for themselves - trust yourself and trust your readers. Trust that you've done a good enough job setting the scene that we'll be able to figure out how the characters are feeling without you saying, "which was her way of showing curiosity." You've got the showing down; it just seems like you need to be more confident in your showing abilities.
But then also I haven't read the rest of this, so maybe you usually don't do that.
Hi there Lightsong. This is Kays dropping in for a review nearing a Sunday evening and realizing I won't have that long to catch up on reviewing if I don't start now so I may as well get off my lazy butt and get going. That being said, let's delve right in because I saw that little clip when tagged and I'm excited to hear more about this history between Gael and Aleveri.
Are magical triggers physical? Can magical triggers be physical? That's a question I have for the beginning of the chapter. I thought this may be more of a technique though there being physical triggers (maybe specific items have more magical attachment than others) can make sense. Overall I'm wanting to know more about triggers and how the magic system works even though we're beginning to know more about the Houses and the Naturals naturally (bit of a play on words there, hehe).
There's too much bed in this paragraph. In that first sentence as well, I must say. Because that's more of a minor grammar issue, let's move on. I see that the problem with Baris and the gang's attacks not being brutal enough now that we see that Gael is the one in the medical room. This patches up before at least a little bit where Gael who isn't all that strong wouldn't be able to defeat four others who are probably more combat savvy than him. Seeing Haka there beside Gael is nice--is there a chance for possible romance in the future with the two of them? I kind of hope so seeing how close the two are. I also hope that Haka isn't pushed to the side for Ilami and maybe the four of them--Gael, Ilami, Haka and Aleveri will end up being friends. We even see how Aleveri actively attempts to heal Gael who she previously isn't all that fond of.
I also realized--Felaris and Baris rhyme! What's next, Felbaris becomes a shipping name for the two antagonists? Maybe the two end their old ways because of their love for each other and end up forming the couple Felbaris? Joking. I am excited because we are seeing all these different developments between characters and while this isn't action heavy, I quite enjoyed seeing Aleveri's character and I can't wait to see more in the future because the chapter ends off nicely although I want to see Baris and Felaris develop into people as well as Ilami's mother and to see ilami and Gael grow.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
'There's too much bed in this paragraph' is inexplicably funny to me for some reason
It's a puuuun. xD