Does anybody hear her?
She's screaming so loud
So loud she's hurting my ears
But no one else seems to notice
They just walk on by
Like they didn't see a thing
But the guilty gleam in their eyes
Tells me that they hear
They just pretend they don't
Why am I the only one?
The only one who truly hears
They can hear her blood-curdling screams
But not what lies beneath
She's hurting on the inside
So much that she just can't take it anymore
She's on the edge of the 16th story
Screaming at the cops who try to take her away
I understand her pain
I have been there too
So low you just can't control yourself
You want to make it end
But am I the only one?
Who knows what she is feeling
I've never met her in my life
But for some reason
I just know
I don't know what happened exactly
But I know why she is like she is
Something happened that was beyond her control
Something horrible and tragic
She knows it wasn't her
But she blames it on herself anyway
She blames herself because
Everyone else blames her too
They say everything is her fault
And she deserved whatever happened
They told her to kill herself
So that's what she intended to do
For them
To make them happy
But I know it wasn't her
Am I the only one?
Who isn't blaming anything on her?
I know she can't help but feel that way
I've felt that way too
I've had people tell me to go die
And that's what I tried to do
For one second our eyes met
I saw her and she saw me
It was only a second
But in that short second
We really saw each other
She saw my pain
And I saw hers
We made a connection
I didn't know her
And she didn't know me
But for some reason we felt like we did
But just at that moment
Where she was realizing she was wrong
Her foot slipped off of the ledge
And she found herself falling
And falling
And falling
She screamed
And I screamed
And the people screamed
All in horror
Her eyes bore into mine
Pleading as tears welled in her eyes
I looked right into her eyes
And mouthed the words
It's okay
And it was
Though she hit the ground with a sickening crunch
She knew that she did wrong
And she didn't fall on purpose
So it wasn't suicide
It was attempted suicide
But in the end turned into an accident
At the last moment she chose Heaven over Hell
So her spirit was safe with God
I struggled making myself read through this, but not because it was fantastically written, but because it is written a bit juvenile. The theme is very easy to understand, but the execution is is way off. Your language throughout the poem hurts what could be a really good poem.
"They just walk on by
Like they didn't see a thing
But the guilty gleam in their eyes
Tells me that they hear
They just pretend they don't"
This quote from your poem is an example of language that is a bit too childish, as in the way it is said could be edited and rewritten to make it a lot more poetic.
"They say everything is her fault
And she deserved whatever happened
They told her to kill herself
So that's what she intended to do
For them
To make them happy"
This seems like just another teenage angst thing thing. I think back to when people used to make fun of everyone, and scorn everyone for small things. There just seems to only be a superficial layer of poetry here.
"But I know it wasn't her
Am I the only one?
Who isn't blaming anything on her?"
This should really be deleted from the poem. It doesn't help it at all, and it seems as though you are just whining by this point. I don't mean to be rude, but realistically this poem needs a lot of work.
"And it was
Though she hit the ground with a sickening crunch
She knew that she did wrong
And she didn't fall on purpose
So it wasn't suicide
It was attempted suicide
But in the end turned into an accident
At the last moment she chose Heaven over Hell
So her spirit was safe with God"
These last two stanzas are not a great end to a poem either. The execution is off yet again. No real detail, no real emotion, etc. Message me if you have more questions.
Regards,
dante93
thanks for the review. And I know the poem isn't one of my best. It was just a spur-of-the-moment poem so I didn't really think about it. My other ones are much better though.
This was so beautifully written! All of the emotion was really well played out throughout the whole piece. Great work on that part! One thing that I would recommend, would be to use a wider vocabulary in the first four-ish stanzas. That was absolutely the only thing I found wrong. The last stanza gave me chills
I loved it! You could really turn this into something even more than just a poem... Great job! Keep writing! BRAVO