​Confession Notes for Unnamed People:

Z: I have to believe you are still out there, somewhere. And in my mind, you graduated, somehow. I have to believe that you loved me for who I was and that it wasn't all just an act to use me. I still think about you and cry for you often. Never loved, never heard, you were my weed in the sidewalk crack. You're the reason I don't kill small things. You taught me that the pain I feel exists in others.

T: You probably haven't thought about me in years. But something about who you were and what we had, it makes me unable to forget. I wish I could see you again, just to catch up, just to play like we did as kids, one last time. I didn't know that last time would be the last time. You probably look so much older. I wish you the best, my prince. You taught me how to hang from the monkey bars.

K: I don't remember much of what we said to each other, but I remember that you made me feel safer than I did at home. I looked forward to you and your embrace. I prayed for you to adopt me every single day. When you stopped talking with me, I assume it was because of my religion and because I got baptized. But you taught me that incredible people are imperfect and sometimes they do things that hurt.

R: Your suicide note haunts me. But something about the thought of you writing my name on the page before you died comforts me. I miss you. I didn’t know it would be the last time. I am sorry that you have become the catchphrase of my dark humor jokes, but something tells me that you would have laughed too. Maybe you are laughing. And maybe you are finally free from the pain your body gave you, like they tell me. You taught me how to say ‘I Love You’ to my father.

E: The last time I saw you, you knew me, but you couldn't understand who I was. D told me to read you the bible and pray with you before you died, when you were really sick, but I didn't. And I regret it. You made Christmas magical and you made Santa real. I carry your name, just like how G carries a tattoo of you on his chest. I wonder if you still smell like cigarettes in Heaven. There have been times when I have felt you and B and R. Perhaps it was only a whisper in the wind, or a shiver across my chest. I wish we could go to the corner store again and buy lots of candy. Are you proud of who I have become?

M: I used to think that you introduced me to the best part of my life, but that part has become a burden, which weighs me down every single day. I wish that you didn't exist, but I also wish that you would reply to my messages. You taught me organized religion.

C: I hope I can love you someday. I cannot forgive you, yet. All I want is a mother to hold me, but I flinch at your slightest touch. All I want is a mother to cry to, but you have never seen my tears. All I want is to be loved, but I resent you everytime you ask for my forgiveness, because then I remember the girl I used to be. And the girl I used to be isn't ready. She is still begging for hugs and bedtime stories and telling you she wants to see her daddy. I don't forgive you. And that is the most liberating thing I have said today.

J: You deserved it. I was 11 and you were 17. I still feel bad. You taught me that I am scared to break rules.

K: You get praised for cutting a piece of bread on your own. When I was your age, C refused to cook for me. When I was your age, I blamed myself for the divorce and made myself so small that I eventually broke. You have the life I wanted, but you will never know that. All I want to do is go back to CCA and gymnastics and a world where magic was real. You taught me the monkeys and the bears and the tears. Someday I hope you will forget. And someday I hope I will know if you remember.

S: Almost everything I told you when we were 7 was made up. My life sucked way too much for any of that to be true. But when I told you those stories, they felt real. At least, they did until I got home. You taught me how to laugh.

G: You act like it never happened. Will you ever acknowledge the past? Or have you learned to forget, like everyone else? 

C: I cried out for help and you did not save me. Things only got worse when you left. You taught me that I can't trust those with power.

D: When I withdrew, you kept fighting until I came back. Now you have withdrawn and I am still fighting for you to come back. It hurts. How can you do this to me? At least I had a reason. At least I was half dead and in a hospital. At least you didn't have to see photos of me with new friends and new cars and new haircuts. I remember the plans we used to make, do you? Well, I was going to be your bridesmaid. And we were going to travel the world together after you graduated. But here we are. I hope you will reply to me so I can see you before I go. You taught me trust and laughter and sunshine and humility and competitiveness and you were my best friend.

Sincerely,

Me.