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So I Will Pretend Forever.

by EllieMae



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451 Reviews

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Stickied -- Mon Jun 24, 2024 12:20 am
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EllieMae says...



Here is the text version :)

Spoiler! :
“What more do you want from me?” spoke my father,
In his emotionless, still voice,
Empty like a void,
Reflecting the emptiness and stillness
I feel too deeply.

“All I want is nothing from you,” I reply,
Full of pain, being forced to come to my senses.
Nothing will ever be enough, because all I crave
Are dissociative fantasies of the past,
Echoing a life I am incapable of achieving,
Without a time machine and more brothers
And an educated, affectionate mom and
The body I had when I was 12.

“You are enough for my life,
But not the life I want.”
And all I want is my sick, twisted,
Imaginary, pretend, fantasy life,
But I need to let go and escape the distortions
Of my past and present,
In order to continue breathing in this moment,
Because the weight is killing me
And the grief of losing everything that is not real,
Crushes my heart between soft skin and pale flesh.

I pretend she holds me every night.
She rubs my back as I cry about fears I had when I was 10.
“I’m not ready, mommy,” I whisper, holding my own hand,
Begging the tears to fall like the rain that she shields me from,
On the way home from school.

And so I pace back and forth, hours without end,
Trying to feel her, trying to forget
That she will never be real.

And then I remember the silence.
And I remember the person who is sitting right beside me,
My father, who will always be missed,
And ocean away, never enough, always a burden,
Because he will never be the dad who lives in my head.
He will never be the healing piece to the emptiness
That my mother built in my small body.

So I will pretend forever,
I will miss every piece of me, every day,
I will grieve every single moment of my life,
And I will never be enough,
I will never be me.
But somehow I need to live.

Maybe someday, my daughter can be the me I want to be.


Thank you for reading and thank you for being here <33
-Ellie




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Mon Jun 24, 2024 6:59 am
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OrabellaAvenue wrote a review...



Hello, Ellie! Orabella here with a quick review. ^^

As I've already expressed my love for your poetry, it would not do any good to repeat that previous knowledge here.

...

butican'thelpitineedtosayitagainandagainbecauseELLIEYOURPOETRYISAMAZINGAND BEAUTIFULANDICAN'TGETOVERTHEAMAZINGANDSIMPLEBEAUTYTHATSEEMSTO RADIATEFROMYOURHANDSHOWAREYOUTHISGOOD.

...

Anyway, let's get on to the actual review, shall we?

So many lines from this stood out to me, more than I can properly or helpfully add to this review, but know that practically every other line was just screaming in my face, "This is amazing!!" Before we get to highlighting those, in this point in a review I'd usually have something to suggest to improve it, like a critique or a suggestion. At this point in writing the review, I've read the poem 4 times, looking closely at lines to see if I thought there was anything to improve, and I honestly couldn't find anything. The only thing I'd say is that titles usually don't have periods in them, so if you want to be "usual," I'd take the period out. That's really all I can find.

So, more highlights?

“You are enough for my life,
But not the life I want.”

This one just hit so deep, and I physically paused to read this line again when I first went through this. I think a thing about your poetry that you do so well is the meanings behind everything that you can just find everywhere. You aren't writing "roses are red," you're writing, "Saying that I hate who I am, / Is saying that I hate who you made me to be." It's the most beautiful and sad way to start a poem that I've ever read. (No, I will never get over how much I love that poem, it is literally my favorite in the whole world; I am not kidding I love it so much.)

In order to continue breathing in this moment,
Because the weight is killing me
And the grief of losing everything that is not real,
Crushes my heart between soft skin and pale flesh.

I can feel these words. Your ability to just take words and turn them into something so, well, poetic and beautiful is way beyond me. The imagery here is common but used in a different context, which changes all the meaning and creates this sense of new familiarity.

Trying to feel her, trying to forget
That she will never be real.

I'm trying to think I new ways to say "I love this so much it hurts my heart," but I only have so many words. All I can say is silly little ways I think it works, like the repetition of "trying" and the same number of syllables between the two clauses in the first line. It's actually kind of like a haiku. 5, 5, 7. But the words behind them mean so much more, and the way you were able to execute that in so short a line is mindblowing to me. (Seriously, how do you manage to create such beauty in so little?? I don't understand please teach me)

Some other lines I loved...

And I will never be enough,
I will never be me.
But somehow I need to live.


Maybe someday, my daughter can be the me I want to be.


And all I want is my sick, twisted,
Imaginary, pretend, fantasy life,
But I need to let go and escape the distortions


Thank you so much for sharing this, Ellie! What a beautiful poem, just like the rest, and I sincerely hope you'll continue writing! (Don't tell anyone, but you're my favorite poet on YWS shhhhh) Have a fantastic day, friend, and hope to see you again soon! ^^




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Mon Jun 24, 2024 12:53 am
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KaeRae88 wrote a review...



Hey Ellie! First of all, I want to acknowledge how personal and emotional your poems are. A lot of them I can relate to, ^ this one included...
Anyways on to the review~

First impressions
I am going to be honest, the first thing I noticed about this poem was that the writing was on the right side and not the left. I opened it, and my eyes were already scanning the left side. When I saw the writing, it took me a little by surprise, but it made me like your poem all the same.

After reading
Now, I like the way it is positioned on the right side. It looks so opposite wrong not in a bad way, just flip flop like everything in this poem. When I was reading, there were several times I wanted to reach out and hug you. The words, the imagery, the pure feeling made me so empathetic to what we go through sometimes... Side note, if you really do feel like this and/or need help, I'm always available 😊

Favorite line
This one is a hard one. I want to say the whole poem, but if I HAVE to choose just one line, I will go with

Maybe someday, my daughter can be the me I want to be.
Being the last line, it is such a perfect wat to end it. Almost Makes me want to cry.

Overall impression
The way you depict the father,
“What more do you want from me?” spoke my father,
In his emotionless, still voice,
Empty like a void,
Reflecting the emptiness and stillness
I feel too deeply.
Is just spot on. The words you chose definitely add to the tone. Like emotionless and void. Everything so so.... *chefs kiss*
Of course, minus what the poem is about, but the writing and portrayal is great.

And then we get the feelings. Oh. The feeellinngggsss
“You are enough for my life,
But not the life I want.”
And all I want is my sick, twisted,
Imaginary, pretend, fantasy life,
But I need to let go and escape the distortions
Of my past and present,
In order to continue breathing in this moment,
Because the weight is killing me
And the grief of losing everything that is not real,
Crushes my heart between soft skin and pale flesh.

Honestly, it feels like a physical blow in my chest. I am not sure if it is the way you wrote this or the way I can relate to some of this (or both?) But this is so emotional, and well put.

and the ending...
So I will pretend forever,
I will miss every piece of me, every day,
I will grieve every single moment of my life,
And I will never be enough,
I will never be me.
But somehow I need to live.

Maybe someday, my daughter can be the me I want to be.

I like how you specifically added just that one sentence to it's own stanza. It really adds to the whole conflict in itself. But even the way you portrayed the struggle of not being enough, but still needing -to be-

Overall, this was a great emotional poem. I hope you are okay~~


Sending love,
Kaerae





Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
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