z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Difference Between You and a Poem

by EllieMae


I have become the girl who you wanted me to be.

I have twisted myself,

contorted my mind and the way I think,

to transform into a person whom I pray,

you see as worthy of a smile.

A simple smile.

-

The truth is,

you will never make me happy again.

I don't think that I can ever look forward to you,

or speak to you in a tone anything more than

the too-quiet voice you say I have.

I wake up earlier than you now,

after you teased me for getting the sleep I needed.

-

The difference between you and a poem

is that poetry breaks me,

in ways I need to be broken.

You broke me.

-

I guess, what I want to say,

is that you remind me of my mother.

You remind me of how felt,

when I was too small to fight,

too small to hide,

too small to escape,

so all I could do was endure.

The enduring made me strong,

but it also broke every part of who I could have been.

-

You broke every part of me that loved to laugh,

and I have become a victim of my abuse too.

Trapped in a chamber, somewhere in the depths of my mind,

I cower, in the dark, huddled with my past and present,

praying that the future makes better choices.

-

You broke every part of me that was proud of myself for trying,

even as I watch you now,

all I have learned to feel is hatred for the spell you put me under.

How easily you make others think you are someone else,

but on the inside, I am not confident that you are even human.

-

They say we all look the same on the inside,

but I have lost faith in a God who I know loves you too.

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Thu Jan 11, 2024 11:35 pm
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serenarhea wrote a review...



Hey there!!
I saw your work in the green room so i figured id check it out.


My opinion on this piece
I think that this is definitely very thought out and real. Its a real experience that people go through almost everyday, bringing in the trauma from a mother added a level of depth to this writing. Hating the person you once loved is a horrible experience and it just makes your heart heavy and angry, I feel like this is definitely displayed throughout this writing.


One thing i would change:
The commentary about losing faith in your God kind of threw me off track a bit, because while yes it hurts to share a connection with someone you no longer love, God is a higher power that shouldn't be a factor in a love situation.


My favorite part:
I love just the pure raw hatred shown in this, expressing your feelings so freely because you know they didn't have the right to make you feel like that.


Overall:
I really like your poetry and I liked what it represented!



Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, I hope this review is of some help to you!




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185 Reviews

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Thu Jan 11, 2024 9:13 pm
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FireEyes wrote a review...



Heya Aliah! Incoming review!

OOF this one hits like a truck. It's been a while since I've read a poem and physically recoiled at the reality of the emotions being written about. Very well done. On to the review!

I'll start with critiques.

There wasn't much in terms of style choices that would elevate the poem because this feel distinctly you. The only big thing I could find was in this stanza:

You remind me of how felt,

when I was too small to fight,
I believe you meant to say "You remind me of how I felt...". It's a simple typo you can fix.

Maybe also with the last line, the emotion of losing faith in an all-merciful God would be interwoven for an even bigger punch at the end. But that's just a suggestion.

Anyway, let me praise this glorious work!

There was one stanza in particular that made me pause and take a breath.
The difference between you and a poem

is that poetry breaks me,

in ways I need to be broken.

You broke me.
Just wow. I've experienced this exact feeling before. It is just a beautiful distinction and the reality and weight of it was a perfect addition to the poem.

The whole theme was marvelous as well. Finding someone who treats you just as terribly as an old abuser is truly one of the worst feelings in the world. I know you write a lot of your poetry off of experience, and if this is one of those too, I truly feel the same in many ways. Being reduced to the person you are when you were first abused in so scary, and I send you my condolences <3

The enduring made me strong,

but it also broke every part of who I could have been.
This reminds me of the adage, "Just because you can endure something does not mean you had to withstand it." I hope writing that yourself was healing in some way. Just all the airing out of feelings and validation of your past circumstances was so powerful and I enjoyed reading it.

But that's all I have for today. Sorry, it wasn't more constructive. The subject matter itself just hit me where it hurts, so I wanted to praise you for that. This one hit me in the good way. But please have a good day, and I'll see you next time. Anyway, byeeeeeeeeee<333




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Thu Jan 11, 2024 7:24 am
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archrnln wrote a review...



Girl, you are so brave. The way you can write a poem and expose the most raw and hurt parts of your soul in writing is an incredible feat. I applaud the structure that makes this easy to read which leaves brainpower for processing the powerful message you are conveying. The quote, "but I have lost faith in a God who I know loves you too" struck a resounding chord within me as a person and as an aspiring poet myself. Thank you for sharing this pain in such a beautiful way.

I hope you are living the life you want to live in this moment.

Regards, A.





I say, in matters of the heart, treat yo' self.
— Donna, Parks & Rec