9 PM
The change started half an hour ago
You were smilin' and bright but now you're cold
You turned the tables and twisted and became something else
Tell you I love you, shake you to wake you but you're not yourself
A cold, dry laugh that's barely audible
Laughin' at my love which is somethin' I though wasn't possible
For you to say
You're not my sweet girl
For you to say
You're never mine- there's no way in the world
I need you back to the way you were
I need you to change back- of that I'm sure
I can't take crying all night
I can't take not knowing what's wrong and right
How do I get to you?
What can I do to bring you through this?
I don't know how to help and it's killing me
I hear your pleas and your cries but it's better of if I die
I know I'm the reason you're like this- you admitted it yourself
You admitted the day you started all this was the first time I ever left
I've been wondering what we're going to do and I'm still thinking,"what's next?"
I put my heart into your hands and kept it there so it would always be kept in check
I have a feelin' you're going to smash it within your hands
And if I'm wrong show me so I can understand
I don't know what to think when I'm like this
So please comeback to me- you're the only thing I really miss.
I'll do anything I can to get this through to you
I love you
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138,314 Literary Works • 672,102 Reviews
Hello there, Casanova!
This is Moonwatcher here with a review! ^-^
You begin by telling the reader that there's been a change, a shift in attitude. You tell the reader that change made the person cold...twice. I think you could come up with a better word to describe the change instead of repeating yourself, because you already told the reader that the change was cold.
The second stanza isn't very strong, in my opinion. You're drowning the reader in "I need" and "I can't", and do a whole lot of telling, and not enough showing. Show us how you feel, through imagery and emotion, to make the stanza stronger.
"Of" should be corrected to "off".
"Comeback" is a word, but in this case, it would be *come back. Also in this sentence is the only period in the entire poem. Either have no punctuation, or make your punctuation consistent (with /some/ exception i.e punctuation in the middle of a line).
There's a subtle rhyme/slant rhyme throughout the poem. I'm personally not a fan, however. Although this could save your flow, it could also get in the way of what the author is trying to say. Every word has a rhyme, but not every rhyming word is the word you're looking for, which constricts the author's vocabulary. This could prevent the author from being able to convey certain feelings or emotions, and from allowing the author from saying what they really want to say.
That's all I have to say about this poem. I hope this review helps, and have a great day! ^-^
Great work Casanova.Roy and am here to review.
The fact that the persona's subject was smiling and bright a half an hour ago and now is cold makes me understand that this is a negative change. Persona's attempts to change his subject attitude is clearly seen "tell you I love you,shake you to wake you but you're not yourself".
What makes it hard is why the persona is laughing at his subject.
"laughin' at my love something I thought wasn't possible".
Great work Casanova