Red's the colour of passion
At least when I'm laughin'
When I'm crying it's the colour
Of blood that's within my shoulders
When the person I loved the most
Broke me down and broke my bones
When I was on top of the world,
And you crumbled it with a single word
How do I get back what we once had?
We were once happy, not angry and sad
How do I get back the colour red you once saw?
You thinkin' it was there, now it ain't there at all
In reality you say I'm seein' the came colour
It's just frayed, and weighted like a boulder
It's weighin' me down because I don't know how to deal
When I'm in the bed, it's like none of it is real
But when I wake up I notice things change
When I wake up I realize things aren't the same
The one I loved most now is gone away
And at the end of the day, I'm always wonderin' if there's a way
to get back the love of my life
But there's nothin' I can do, I realize my hearts become like night
It's dark and grey, hurtin' from the pain you caused me
And I'm wonderin' what to do
Let the love shine when you're broken down
Let the, love shine instead of putting it in the ground
When you're thinkin' you can't get it back
Raise your hands and go on the attack
Just let your love shine
Wherever you can
What happened to the promise you made me,
In our younger days of innocence?
Where did that devotion go?
To the ends of the earth and back,
Beyond the stars of the heavens
You told me you would always love me.
Now, I start thinkin' things are getting better
Then I stepped in a puddle and realized I'm out of my shelter
There's nothin' comforting me
Nothin' there for me
And it just took a little puddle
To make me realize my world ain't the same
But that little puddle you see as insignificant
Is everything to me, it's the dominating factor in my crumbling mind
It's the one thing keeping me from getting out in time
Before me mind malfunctions and I press rewind
Livin' in the same days over and over
Lookin' for warmness but keep gettin' colder
Young and free once but I keep gettin' older
What is it a guy can do?
The longer I hold on, the worse it is for me and you
You vowed you'd never leave me,
but you left me in the rain
Promised an eternity
and filled it with pain.
What happened to the promise you made me,
In our younger days of innocence?
Where did that devotion go?
To the ends of the earth and back,
Beyond the stars of the heavens
You told me you would always love me.
I was only trying to forget the feeling
I get when I look at you
Wonderful and blue.
Tragic and beautiful.
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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
More lyrics, yay. (And the only semblance of order I'm going in with this is first ones that are still in the GR, then everything else.
)
First stanza meanders, I think too much. You've got some great images that are being lost among the words, words, words. I really like the dichotomy of the red=passion and red=blood, so definitely bring that out.
Unfortunately, you drop it after that stanza, which is a shame. That's something else I think you could work on - cohesive imagery. It's not a bad thing to have so many different images and ideas in one song, but it shouldn't feel like everything and the kitchen sink is thrown in, and at the end it generally makes for a stronger song if you can call back to those previous images. Especially since it's a song, and songs tend to be repetitive anyway.
Also, it has occurred to me that this may be rap, in which case you can sort of get away with the wordiness, but I think you'd want to focus on using powerful nouns placed in a way that the stress falls on them, and then that's how you can make the main, crucial points stand out in the crush of fast words. (Part of the problem I have with rap, as someone who is partially deaf, is that I can't understand more than 1 in every 3 words said, because it's so fast and has so many rhymes. Actually, I have trouble understanding almost all lyrics unless I'm listening closely, but rap is particularly hard.)
I really don't think "within" fits. To me, it throws off the rhythm.
'Color' and 'boulder' don't rhyme very well.
This is supposed to be red and blue, but I don't feel like you actually talk about the blue very much except for right here at the end. At the very least, the images you were using don't connect very strongly to the color blue for me.
And that's all I've got for this one!
Hi Casanova, I found this in the Green Room, so I though that I would review it,
This poem is great. You have used great language and you have made it very dramatic. You can visualise the scene that you have described. in some verses though, you have made one line quite long, and then the next line quite short, which doesn't really sound right, e.g
"And at the end of the day, I'm always wonderin' if there's a way,
to get back the love of my life.
There is quite a difference between the length of these two lines, so I suggest changing it.
Overall, this is a very good poem, slightly emotional and almost relatable for some people, e.g the last four lines.
This is really good. Keep making more poems,
ElegantEgt.