Aight
Try this out
Lemme know how it goes
One last verse before I end the show
I don't need a beat or a muse
Give me a pen and a pad- I'll get 'em used.
Only thought when I'm writing is her sweet voice
realizing everything I did- well, it was the wrong choice
Y'all rejoiced when I broke it off
Wouldn't leave us alone- we fell a part.
I've been in love with her as long as I can remember
Yeah, swore I'd be there for her for forever
Didn't work out that way, Now I'm stuck in a whirlpool of depression
I took a dive- my heart took a recession
Not realizing it- it became your possession
It's on break 'cause it can't take anymore
It bent and it's ready to break- pieces falling to the floor
Get ready 'cause this is the last rhyme
No, I didn't say last line
What I meant was give it time and you'll see this is the final wind
up. Last chance to make something new
Somethin' that might get through to you
Yeah, I know my friends'll hate me
I understand, but they don't see what I see
It's been over a year yet you're still in my thoughts
Whether it's love or what.. The answer can't be bought
It's circling my mind- but it never comes and it ain't kind
Think about it, I'm sure I'll get the answer in time
You know I miss everythin', I really do
But there's nothin' I can say to make it clear to you
Remember when we sat and laughed with your sister at the park
I remember then I saw the spark
I want to see it now
I want to see it. But how?
There's not a way I can think of
There's not a day I don't think of
But I want to try
Give me a little while
Let me sort things out
Let me figure out what my heart's screaming about
You always came first, now you're second
I hope you don't mind- but I remember falling for you in a millisecond
It was fast, if you recall
I would have done anything for you, and yeah I mean all
The things you asked
Everything we did in the past
Everything we thought wouldn't last
I'm sure it can if we try
But you think it's gone; you're ready to die
You want to sleep and never wake up
But you shouldn't, but I know you've had enough
You've been treated as if dirt your entire life
I know this, and I know it ain't right
I did the same thing to you, and I cry almost every night
We both tried will all our might but it ain't gonna happen
They keep us a part- they think it's fun; always laughin'
I don't understand..
I can't comprehend.
I thought love lasted a while
And I guess it does but the memories get thrown in a pile
Always tryna forget and relax
But when I think back on it I always react
In the exact same way, I'm in a relapse
It's every two weeks I think about all of this
Every two weeks I come back to all of this
I don't know why I do it just seems to come around
When I'm happy or sad and feeling down
When I'm screaming or not making any sound
everything's hell bound and I don't think I can go another round
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Casa!
I am slow-going, I know <3
I had a chance to listen and I definitely think that rap and spoken verse suits you. Here's the thing I wish to impart to you, remember that content should always fit form. What do I mean by that?
A lullaby that is soothing is usually whispered.
Dr. Seuss verse is read in a sing-song way.
Think of all your favorite rappers, pay attention to variation in their voices, their tones, and how those variations will fit with their lyric. When you write love, your voice should reflect it. When you write pain, your voice should reflect it. Not just your voice though, your words too! There is not much variation in tone from your reading, everything is said almost mono-tone in a rapid-fire way and your words reflect that too. There is a lot of focus to beat, a lot of focus to words with hard sounds and you deliver them in rapid-fire hardness from beginning to end. It definitely shows a hardness to the narration which is appreciated, but it would be dull if that was all it was from beginning to end.
Find places to slow down, find places to lower your sound, or increase the sound! Find places to change the quality and tone of your voice --- once you do this, then maybe you can find places in your choice of words to change to go with that pitch, so that word + pitch together can create moods!
You talk in the beginning a love story, about a girl with a sweet voice-- your own voice should reflect that.
I hope this helps. Always happy to chat this out with you more of course c:
~ as always, Audy
Nice lyrics.
Thanks!
Feel free to take everything I say with a grain of salt, because this seems like a hip-hop song and I am completely useless at reviewing hip-hop.
I know alternative hip-hop doesn't necessarily follow the standard verse-chorus-verse-bridge-chorus structure, but I felt like this song was a little bit amorphous and could benefit from being re-structured. It was also difficult for me to read because of the way it was formatted, which comes back to what I said about re-structuring the piece. There are a lot of details, which are good and give the song a nice personal touch, but they sort of lose their impact with the lack of organization. If you re-work this, you could very well have a solid, emotional piece on your hands.
Good luck, and keep writing!
This is Kaos here for a review!
I felt like this was a weak start and it felt rather repetitive. Your stuff starts to feel all the same and most of the poems I can't distinguish anymore. It's fine to have poems with the same themes and ideas, which yours tend to be love, but you have to do something more for them if you choose to do this, like making and creating imagery that helps the reader distinguish your one poem from another. This doesn't mean you have to abandon your voice with every poem, rather make it so that each poem is different and independent rather than your poetry feeling like leaning shelves that are ready to topple over each other.
Saying this, most of the poem doesn't really have anything new. The rhymes in this poem feel rather restricting of anything else trying to break through. The rhyming is so loud in here that it drowns out the rest of the variables in what makes a good poem like imagery and flow and all the like.
The flow of this poem felt awkward with it being choppy with the rhyme and the word choice that you use being kind of off a beat. It could be improved with you giving it a read aloud so that you can see where the flow is interrupted by things like questions and forced rhymes.
That's all I had to say about this poem, I hope I helped and have a great day!