You say you're no good for me
yet you make me smile
you think you're just bad to me
yet you make me laugh once in a while
The days turn cold
and the nights are long
yet the emotions I feel
have brought me along
You're my sunshine, in twilight abyss
you're my angel, that's helped me on my way
when my heart's torn into pieces
and my resolve is dwindling
you're there to pick up what's left
I remember you saying
you were scared to catch feelings for me
And I remember the day
that my feelings came into being
My heart
went into cardiac arrest
the moment I saw you
My breath felt like needles piercing my lungs
my heart felt feelings ringing true
You're my sunshine, in my twilight abyss
you're my angel, that's helped me on my way
when my heart's torn into pieces
and my resolve is dwindling
you're there to pick up what's left
Love's a hard thing for me to comprehend
Having feelings for some girl is something I don't understand
How can I be stuck
When my life's in a rut
How can I want you
whenever I can't be there with you
i can't be the man by your side, holding you tight
i can't be the man that you're with when you go to bed at night
we're stuck, only connected by these phone lines
only connected with a verse and a rhyme
I'm mad at myself
For wanting a loyal girl
I'm mad at myself
For making you a part of my world
If I could take a step back and reconsider that would be great
if I could negate these feelings I have for you, that'd be the same
but I can't and I'm stuck in a vortex
going 'round and 'round like donuts in an apartment complex
mind's shut down and I don't feel a thing
but at the same time I feel too much and I dunno what to say
I can say I want you and that would be true
And I could say I need you and that would be the same too
But there isn't a lie in me saying I can't have you
And there isn't a lie in saying you don't want me tooA
But even in my darkest days, you're still my sun that guides me in the twilight abyss
You're my sunshine, in my twilight abyss
you're my angel, that's helped me on my way
when my heart's torn into pieces
and my resolve is dwindling
you're there to pick up what's left
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140,216 Literary Works • 673,044 Reviews
As a songwriter myself, I always enjoy seeing what others bring to the metaphorical table. To start with, I love the title. Those two words really work well together, and definitely draw the reader in.
Onto the lyrics. Overall, I enjoyed the story you were telling all the way through. While well written, I feel like this piece could use some editing and cleaning up. the segment after the second main chorus, drags out a little too much in my opinion. It's not bad, but I feel you could deliver more emotional power with a more concise segment than what is currently there. Not a huge issue, just a suggestion.
There are also a few typos throughout the piece. In the first main chorus, the "my" between in and twilight is missing. In the line, "And there isn't a lie in saying you don't want me tooA", there's an A at the end that shouldn't be there. Those were the only typos I noticed.
So once again, overall, I enjoyed this piece greatly. It's already pretty good the way it is, but it has the potential to be even better. I hope my review is helpful in some way. Keep up the great effort, my fellow writer!
As a songwriter myself, I always enjoy seeing what others bring to the metaphorical table. To start with, I love the title. Those two words really work well together, and definitely draw the reader in.
Onto the lyrics. Overall, I enjoyed the story you were telling all the way through. While well written, I feel like this piece could use some editing and cleaning up. the segment after the second main chorus, drags out a little too much in my opinion. It's not bad, but I feel you could deliver more emotional power with a more concise segment than what is currently there. Not a huge issue, just a suggestion.
There are also a few typos throughout the piece. In the first main chorus, the "my" between in and twilight is missing. In the line, "And there isn't a lie in saying you don't want me tooA", there's an A at the end that shouldn't be there. Those were the only typos I noticed.
So once again, overall, I enjoyed this piece greatly. It's already pretty good the way it is, but it has the potential to be even better. I hope my review is helpful in some way. Keep up the great effort, my fellow writer!
So, I like this a lot to start off with. I'll start with the goods of this piece. Your word choice was fantastic and so was your imagery. It was definitely something that I enjoyed reading and felt empathy towards the voice of the piece, I mean everyone's been there. The category of love songs is absolutely saturated from taylor swift to bruno mars.
Now let's get into the bad a little bit. The flow was really not there at all for me. Maybe it's because I can't hear the tune that it's supposed to go to but still I can't bring myself to imagine one either. Maybe I'm just not that inventive.
One other thing (I'm nitpicking at this point) I thought your rhyme scheme was a little weak at places. Also, since it's lyrics, I'd like to see a more complicated rhyme scheme rather than just something like the end of a line rhymes with the end of another line.
All in all, I thought it was a great poem and I thought it worked best as a poem but I would definitely need to hear it to see how it would work as a song.
If you want a complicated rhyme scheme, go read my work do you love me.