z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Memories for Eternity (Edited)

by Casanova, Amnesia, Eternity


Somedays, I feel faint
Others I'm not there at all
it's like you can't see me
like all I am is a memory
just something you forgot
while you tried to change who you were


a dim light shining through blank branches
trying so hard to be seen in daylight,
a blinded beauty to light a path,
led by a lost soul that was given away

Steps are took but others are forgotten
Lies are said but the truth stays hidden
A twisted web sprung throughout the branches
the spiders know the way, but the snakes know it best
The snake gets the mouse, but the chain goes on and on
The ones on the top wins- but what happens when they're gone?
Another takes their place and they're just a memory
Going down the path until they're out of view
Looking back once
just to remember you


Somedays, I feel faint
Others I'm not there at all
it's like you can't see me
like all I am is a memory
just something you forgot
while you tried to change who you were

you're feelin' invisible but you don't understand why
Used to be invincible but you put yourself in a disguise
Puttin' on a smile when you wanted to die
You realizin' you're in pain but you raise your head high
everyone sees it and thinks you're fine
they don't understand you're runnin' out of time
Faking your life until you're fading away
slipping into the distance but it didn't start today
runnin' into the past but you know you can't stay
lookin' us in the eyes an' you don't know what to say
Tryna stay strong but your will's startin' to grey
Breakin' down and you're cryin'- your heart's in pain
No one will ever notice that you're startin' to decay
Brought down from the monsters from your raising
they put the first spark but didn't know you'd start blazing
They wanted to see you as trash and not someone so amazing
You're tryin' to raise up from the dirt they kicked you down on
But every time you look up you can't help but start thinkin'


Somedays, I feel faint
Others I'm not there at all
it's like you can't see me
like all I am is a memory
just something you forgot
while you tried to change who you were


A long time passed before you could free yourself
you started hurting so bad you put your feelings on a shelf
there's no help, no way someone would understand the way you felt
you knelt before God, and you screamed you pleaded
wishing he would answer your prayers but they're left unheaded
you wish you could flee from your pain but you can't be freed
we could never agree on what to do, but between you and me
I understand and I wish you could see the same way I did when it all came down
to just you and me
where are you now?
All I hear is you're runnin' around
out and about in town
I don't know my way around my mind, and you can't tell me what's goin' on
You can't even tell me how long you've been gone
You were out before you even left
It's like you commited theft and ran away
Just a haze through the branches at the end of the day
not worryin' about what I had to say
who'd you start turnin' to?
I never asked
I didn't know what to do
you were talkin' trash to everyone when I couldn't get through to you
I apologized, tried to make it worthwhile
But you threw our memories in a pile and decided to burn them
and now you gotta wonder why I'm comin' to you?
I don't like change, that's all I really have to say
but you ignored me, just to change who you were, and now


Somedays, I feel faint
Others I'm not there at all
it's like you can't see me
like all I am is a memory
just something you forgot
while you tried to change who you were


We all need some time
To change who we are
We all need some space
To figure things out
But sometimes, there's a point and place
We need to look back
And either leave the past behind,
or use it to make a better future for us. 

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41 Reviews

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Reviews: 41

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Sat Sep 23, 2017 10:34 pm
Carlymillie wrote a review...



Carly here:
Nice work! I love the song so much...the chorus most especially takes me back to somewhere I think existed only in mind...a little place I created in my head and ran into when ever the going got tough.

The last verse:

We all need some time
To change who we are
We all need some space
To figure things out
But sometimes, there's a point and place
We need to look back
And either leave the past behind,
or use it to make a better future for us.

was just amazing, I think some one need to day this out to the world. like "hey world! this is something y'all should let sink in".

***And what you did with your words here;
No one will ever notice that you're startin' to decay
Brought down from the monsters from your raising
they put the first spark but didn't know you'd start blazing****** is something I'd like to learn from




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62 Reviews

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Reviews: 62

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Sat Sep 23, 2017 6:19 am
AliceinBluue wrote a review...



Hello Gooseluck! What an amazing poem! I really liked the way you interspersed the italicized stanzas with the regular stanzas. The style of it was amazing and it worked well as a storytelling device. Almost like you were saying 'these things stay the same, everything else changes'. I also loved the ending stanza where you talk about how everyone needs time to change, but that there is always a point at which people have to choose to leave the past in the past, or to use it to their own advantage. That feels like a universal truth, and I think too often people choose to forget the past because it's painful, so the fact that you highlighted the fact that people always have a choice on how they let the past affect them was like a revelation! The time and effort you put into this poem really shows. Keep up the great great work!
-Alice




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2631 Reviews

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Reviews: 2631

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Sat Sep 23, 2017 5:50 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Hi, I thought I'd take a look at this. I'll give my first thoughts as I read through and then try to summarise a bit more at the end.

Specifics

1. The first verse is very metaphysical and I think it would be ice to have at least one solid visual in there for the reader to hook on to. Like you could tie the feeling of faintness to something physical -

Some days I feel faint,
hazy like last year's graffiti
and others, I'm not there at all

2. I'm not sure about blank branches in the second stanza - why are the branches blank? What does it mean? As the branches have the more unusual description, my attention is there instead of on the light. Also, I think to avoid the repetition of 'light' and 'daylight', you could replace light with 'torch' or 'glow' or even something more unusual like 'star' or 'firefly'.

3.

Steps are took but others are forgotten
I'm not sure others is the right fit here as I'm not sure if you mean other steps or other people. And just because steps are took, that's not the same as saying they're remembered so this feels off. Maybe, 'Steps are traced but my path is forgotten'.

4. I'm not sure how the spiders lead in to the snakes - surely a spider knows its web better than any other creature?

5.
The ones on the top wins- but what happens when they're gone?


6. Oh, you started with the chorus. I was beginning to wonder when it would be but that makes more sense now :)

7. You need to break down the really long stanza as it's much too long and hard to read.

8. The switch to rap is interesting and I like it better than the earlier stanzas. I'm not sure if I should imagine it being said in another voice but yeah, that part's good.It's a shame it doesn't end on a solid rhyme though!

9. I'm not sure I like the final part after the last chorus - it feels like there's no solid imagery again and while I like that you start out saying we all need some space to change sometimes, I don't feel like the statement of leaving the past behind or making a better future is strong enough. It's a bit too cliche for me.

Overall

This is good! I liked the rapping sections in the middle best but I think with a little more solid imagery, your chorus could be good too. I've not got anything else to add so I'm going to leave it there but best of luck with any edits!

~Heather





Some call me a legacy, others call me a hero. But I assure you, dear admirers, I am only human.
— Persistence