Young Writers Society

Hi there! Writervid here to review!

Again, I'm not the best at reviewing lyrics, so this will probably be short, but here goes!

I really like your first verse. It instantly get the idea of an uptempo, peppy song into my head, which I think is in a large part due to the shirt lines that all rhyme together in order to create a faster rhythm. I'm immediately drawn into the idea, too. An unexpected relationship that two people are in for who-knows-how-long that they're going to live for as long as they can is beautiful and a lot of what life is about, I think. This also brings to light another theme: living life to the fullest. I think this theme could be more emphasized throughout the song in order for it to be focused on instead of the romance aspect. I know that I would listen to a song that balanced these two elements. Why not try that? Big order, I know, to rewrite, but I think the lyrics could benefit.

I would like to point out the need for punctuation in order to streamline and guide your lyrics. Like the reviewer below me, this can help avoid some confusion and make it easier to imagine a song going to the lyrics. You could use periods a nd commas to function as rests of a sort, as long as they made sense grammar wise too.

I also agree with Amelie/ the previous reviewer in the fact that there needs to be better capitalization. This alone can make your lyrics that much stronger and that less confusing.

And I do suggest that you break up some of the text so that there aren't big blocks of text. It's not purely an aesthetic thing, it just makes it easier to read.

Overall, I enjoyed reading this and reviewing this. Nice work! Have a nice day/night!

Okay, I am on a mission. Sorry if I end up repeating myself.
So I think your main problem here is story-telling. Though it's a song, there's this story you are trying to get through but it seems a bit rushed. There's just not enough time to grasp any sense or emotion. It's like once you begin to understand one thing, you move on to another thing and lose your spot.

As for the consistency, that surely needs some work. Firstly, the capitalization. Some lines are capitalized, others aren't. And since there aren't any end marks I can't be sure if it's because the sentence hasn't ended or if it was just a mistake.
Secondly, the harshness. Some areas seem so passionate and others are fairly bland. It continues to fade in and out, and that makes reading it very tiring.

I'm not sure if this is my place to say, but I would strongly suggest more/better punctuation. It will help smooth things over, make it easier to read, and clear up some confusion readers -such as myself- might have with figuring out where a sentence starts and begins. (I think it was the uneven capitalization that made it confusing.)

Again, I keep tripping over words throughout the piece, and I'm having a hard time imagining how it would even fit into a song without any confusion.

Apart from that though, there are some bits I enjoyed reading, which were probably the paragraphs closest to the end.
And that takes me to the actual ending, which I liked a lot. So nice job on that, aaand...
I believe that's all I wanted to go over.

-Amelie