8 PM
The call starts and I hear your voice
We talk for awhile and there isn't any other noise
I hear your giggles and your laughs and see your smiles
What was once every day now seems every once in a while
Doing it secretly because we can't have each other openly
I can't wait for the day when you can be mine properly
When I can see your face and hear your voice without fear of getting caught
When we can be together forever and have everything that we ever thought
"Is love worth the hell?" I always ask
You say,"yes of course," and leave the question in the past
But every night it's the same routine
Switching personas- this time you're in between
I know when you go back to you you don't know what I'm talkin' about
But when you're blacked out you can't hear me and I don't know what you're talking about
It's a change in you I've never seen before
Something that makes me want to run out the door
But I can't do that to you
Leaving you in that state would mean we're through
I'll do anything I can to get this through to you
I love you
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
Purposeful, intentional rhyme and ~meter issued for the cause of instilling the point of repetition in the narrative I can accept. The rhymes are horrid and ill-conceived, but they're purposeful and cannot be smitten for being as such; however, I only know this because you told me this in person.
I only know this because you told me this in person.
I only know this. Because you told me in person. To any other reader, it's just a series of poetry with horrid rhymes that deserve to be burned, and that was my original note. You had promise in the narrative. Not immense promise, not even great promise. But promise all the same. And it gets crushed under heel by these distracting gimmicks and colloquialisms and it's displeasing, all of it, and potential smolders at the feet because of it.
You write hyperrealistically, and while this can accomplish great things for great writers, neither are the case presented here, in any of the three pieces given, and so the concept would be best executed if fictionalized, if ever-so-slightly.
These conversations need not a phone, skype, any kind of contemporary technology. Its presence here is a nuisance and detracts from the meaning. Why not put the lovers together in person? In a field, in a house? In an actual bed to talk? Instead, you have the setting of a phone call, and it gives no images to pull the reader in for any conceptualization at all, and for the subject matter to be felt at all, the reader must care, and for the reader to care, the reader must be enthralled. For the reader to be enthralled, the reader must be attentive, and attentive is the last word I'd use to describe my state of mind while reading this or the following pieces.
However.
You gave me a gem of lyricism, as you do, and it needs not be burned.
"Is love worth the hell?" I always ask
While you're leagues away, a colleague of mine is terribly fond of separating poetry into segments via either roman numerals or integers of refrains of lyricism, such as questions posed that retain the thematic undertone.
What would become of your meta-poem if you were to incorporate this question as a divider between the lashes in personality? What would become of the clarity of meaning? What of the quality?
The answers are, in order:
1. You would have a stronger, unified piece that wouldn't need to be broken into three parts.
2. You would have a clear contrast between the answers given to the question, if answers are given at all.
3. Drink and find out.
Recurring themes (i.e. motifs [take note as well, @Kaos]) are often the cornerstone of constructing complex and admirable poetry. They are the crux between lyricism, metaphor, and imagery where your theme weaves together the elements to make the finished piece. This is why the editing process is grueling and beautiful. This is why reading and communing with poets that speak to us is pertinent; picking up on themes that speak to us that we may later on relay in our own language to others that will relay it to others is how emotion is spread through the poetic world, and without it, we do nothing but transfer sand from broken cistern to broken cistern, attempting to construct effigies of dried clay.
This is my review for all three pieces. No notes on DID.
Ty
Hi, I'm here to review.
Before I comment on this line, I have to appraise you for using structured poem, that is, rhymed poem. I personally think that, if the content is lost on me, I could at least enjoy the satisfaction the rhyme gives to me.
Anyway. To the gritty stuff. I can understand that from the giggles and laughter, the persona can sense the receiver's smile. Of course, seeing someone smile when you cannot see them is incomprehensible, and 'sense' is such a devoid-of-romanticism verb, so stick with 'hear'. The giggles and laughter already indicate that she smiles (unless she laughs while putting an angry expression, which is such a hard feat to make), so to hear the smile is how you say, in a romantic sense, that you sense it. So yeah. Cut the 'see', I say.
I, well, when I make a poem, sometimes the end word of paired lines consists of nouns (or verbs) but never, or rarely adverbs. Adverbs when used at the end are such a convenient device (cheerfully, angrily, steadily, -ly, -ly, and more -ly...) and can be seen as a mark of laziness in your part. I suggest you to discard them and rhyme with an effort. Here's a suggestion:
I cheat a bit ('other' and 'proper' are just there for me to put at the end) but you get my point. No adverb at all, and it still rhymes!
This criticism is applicable to the next lines when they end with the same word ('about', 'you'). Remember, repetition is done when it is necessary, and I think there are other ways to rhyme the lines without making them too obvious.
The content is pretty easy to understand. It speaks about a relationship between the persona and the receiver that should not be made public (for reasons unknown - if given more elaboration, the poem would give more clarity). It also drags, in that each stanza does not differ much from each other except for the last one, and even then, I am left confused as to why she becomes so, given the limited information I have on the nature of their relationship. Due to that, try to build answers for the 5Ws (why, when, where, what, and who) and 1H (how) because giving readers enough information would make them easier to understand what is going on.
And that is all! Keep up the good job!