I remember when we used to walk this path
and that seems so long ago
I remember when you used to smile and laugh
back before things got old
but now
there's no twinkle in your eyes
and your dreams
they don't reach to the sky
baby tell me where we went wrong
tell me where do we begin?
was this for the start?
was this for the end?
I'm in a state of confusion,
I can't believe this is really happening
I feel stuck
stuck as just your memory
I see you around
but you never talk to me
all my friends seem to point and laugh
but they don't see what I see
they don't see the spark was lost a long time ago
and they don't see the tears that welled up in your eyes
when you said you don't love me anymore
baby tell me where we went wrong
tell me where do we begin?
was this for the start?
was this for the end?
I'm in a state of confusion,
I can't believe this is really happening
I feel stuck
stuck as just your memory
Aight let me break it down in a form you can understand
I feel like a half a man because I'm not doin' what I can
I got canned for you, planned out our wedding on a piece of farmland
we'd raise the barn on the north side so we could view the southland
but beforehand we'd settle for bein' together till college
and now I'm stickin' to realizin' I'm stuck as just your memory
a figment in the back of your mind you shrug off in the dead of night when you're alone
the one you see when your friends send you a picture of my face on your phone
Do you miss me?
I thought you said you loved me
but you left with a final goodbye
asked me if I loved you and I could see the tears in your eyes
Why?
why'd love have to turn into a feeling of spite
we always figured we'd grow old together and like John Montgomery I thought I was sold
but the auction house grows cold when it's left in the snow and you up and left like the cold wind blows
left me like the lights smashing in a One Man show
I thought you wanted to grow together?
you used to say you loved me
"Always and Forever"
but you severed the tied in a quiet endevour
"I'll never leave you Matthew"
I tell you how I'm feeling and you just shrug it off,"whatever"
there's not a girl in the world who makes me feel like you do
there's not a thing in the world I'd rather have over you
you were the blinding light shining perfect in my world
now you're the light at the end of the tunnel I try to find when I'm at the end of my rope and about to fall
the same old song I turn to when I've gotten too big for my britches and the wall's too tall
you used to be the one there to catapult me over
ow you're just walkin' away, giving me the cold shoulder
and I know I've asked this a thousand times, but it's still the only question on my mind is do you still love me?
do you still see what I see?
I see the perfect brunette waiting for me at the end of the tunnel
hazel-green eyes sparkling once I'm finally out of the funnel
you were the one I always turned too
now you're the one I have to turn away from
baby tell me where we went wrong
tell me where do we begin?
was this for the start?
was this for the end?
I'm in a state of confusion,
I can't believe this is really happening
I feel stuck
stuck as just your memory
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
These lyrics aren't that bad, I will say. I can feel the emotion in them, and the rap portion (I'm assuming that's what it is, so sorry if it's not) was enjoyable. However, I think this piece is a bit too long, that some of the lines are too lengthy (mainly in the rap parts) and that the number of cliched phrases prevent this from being as powerful as it could be. This is all merely my opinion though, so just take from it what you will. Regardless, you've written something pretty decent here, Casanova, so great job. Keep on writing.
Dude, that's like some amazing lyrics... I really really feel it... Songs, poetry or anything written for that matter isn't about how good the work is or how "cliché" it is. It's just all about what the writer feels, be it sorrow, loss, or love and he just conveys it in words. There's this really special thing about writing. When the writer writes something and the reader doesn't just read it but feel it... Then that connection that you've created in amazing. And trust me you seriously managed to do it. I connected out there when I read it and I felt in deep deep in my bones and my heart ached. Maybe you could take on some tips that people give but please don't take on the negative reviews. I'm no star in writing so I'm always ready to improve but don't let people destroy your piece by negativity.. Keep on writing! You're good at this buddy!
XOXO
Thanks for the comment, but a dip. When you review someone's work, point out what was 'too cliche'. Messages of songs aren't going to be unique. Everything has been thought of or done before. What counts is the execution, and this doesn't even sound similar to any other hip-hop song I've ever heard (and yes, it's hip-hop). If you don't like it because it's cliche, you should not listen to music because EVERY MESSAGE in a song is cliche. Love, loss, family, drugs, gangs, etc. It's been done a thousand times over. But the lines themselves are unique.
I read this and in the beginning I was in love
I cant write a poem or lyrics
maybe you could give me tips?
I read this and in the beginning I was in love
I cant write a poem or lyrics
maybe you could give me tips?
This is truly amazing.
I've got just a couple things to say, by way of critique. In the fourth stanza, when you talk about your friends--
I feel like this could be a little more clear. It's kinda confusing...Why exactly are your friends laughing? What are they laughing at? I think I get it; the following stanzas give me a better idea (when you said all the little things they don't see- - loved that, btw).
Here:
Just a little thing--by your words at the beginning of the work, I got the idea that things between you and her just "got old," because you say . But if she left with a "final goodbye," it kinda contradicts itself...?
Ok this might seem stupid but when you use the phrase "always and forever" near the end, I can't help but get that scene after the credits of Napolean Dynamite stuck in my head. That phrase brings that image to mind. XD It's fine, I guess-- but even if you don't mind that cringe-y scene being linked to your song (lol), I would still consider changing it, because that phrase is kinda cliche anyway. Unless that was what you were going for.
That's all for the critique!....Just because this has been one of my favorite reads on this site now I must share some things that I particularly loved about it
First of all, the idea of being "stuck in a memory" is just intriguing. The use of stuck. Idk. Great job. I love the picture of it.
I love . Personally, this is relatable to me, and the way you put it so clear is great.
Cool use of catapult XD
Love the ending, how it's the chorus. Nicely done. Overall, it's great formatting. The beginning I was thinking "eh, this is interesting" but then the story picked up and I was like "WHOA THIS IS AMAZING." Seemed like just a cliche romance, but as I read on, the uniqueness really stood out.
Sorry if this was a tedious review! Hope you don't mind.....XD this was just amazing and I couldn't pass it up without reviewing. It is such an emotional piece...If it's true, and applies to what you're going through rn...I'm sorry
Keep it up