I'm back from a long recession
I'm back from this overwhelming depression
I let the world get to me in ways you couldn't imagine
I let the world reel me in to a place full of demons and dragons
Hate seaped through this atmosphereric pain
It drew me and let me fall like rain
Enough with the forced rhymes that ain't goin' no where
Enough with the false emotion that's not gettin' me anywhere
This is somethin' real for you critics to hate on
What is there to see of me that no one usually sees?
I'm a ticked off guy in the midst of people I view as phony
But everyone knows this already, don't they?
They view me as childish and immature
I can't get over the past- they think I should just mature
How do you expect me to do that surrounded by negativity?
How do you expect my mentaility to grow when you're messin' with my sanity?
I just don't get it
One day I'm lookin' towards the sky and prayin' to God
The next I'm debatin' in my mind whether he's even real
I open my bible to Genisis and yell,"yo dawg what's your deal?"
You can't stay out of my life where I can have something good?
I know I should accept what you want- but you don't answer me back when I call to you
No matter how many tears I spill over you
No matter how many hallowed cries I bellow towards you
Do you even hear me, God?
Can't you see the misery that dwells within me?
Do you not see and hear what I hear and see?
Take a look- I'm a sinner but I stand before you
Take a look- one of the few that notices you before man
But you don't see that and I don't understand
You only punish me for everything I've been doing wrong
You don't notice me for what I do right- you just notice me for my flaws.
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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Woah! Hardcore and poweful
totally blew me away
Haha! Thank you!
Hey Matt. So I feel like reviewing today...
I like this one, but I just wanted to point out a few things.
The first bit really isn't bad, nothing seems forced or anything and it does make sense.
Bible should be capitalized, it's the title of a book. Also, you spelled Genesis wrong.
And yeah sure dawg is a word.
The last two lines in here don't quite fit with the rest of the piece. They make sense, yeah, but they could be worded differently to blend in better.
I really like this part; very rhythmic, good rhyming.
So this goes against God's word, it seems like more of an opinion. If you look in Romans 5:8, it states, "but God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." God will see your flaws, but it's not as if that is all he sees. And while we're still sinners, His love is unconditional and encouraging. Something like that wouldn't come so easily if he saw no good in you. And the more you look at it the way you do, the farther away you're going to drift. I've learned a thing or two.
Doubt any of that made sense, but I try.
and that is all.
Dried up I-speech where the reader is given no image, narration, context, nor reason to care for why the speaker is so unforgivably angry at seemingly everything. Part of the issue of the speaker being angry at everything comes in the inability to pick a direction in which to speak. You speak to:
1. your critics
2. capital G-God by name and third person
3. a sudden you that is understood by editors to be God, but through careless errors comes across as you speaking to the reader.
As far as your rhymes thus far go, this is on the far weaker spectrum and seems like a rushed job. It begs for slow, methodical editing. There are points to be lost for attempting to rhyme 'mature' with 'immature', and I will admit I closed the tab immediately when I first read
If it were written as a joke, I'd appreciate it, but contextually it's not, so no.
Add a step to your writing process. From all my analyses I can gather that you write for catharsis and shoot from the hip and that's fine, but for readers and editors/publishers, it leaves you in an impossible place of vulnerability with little strength to compensate. Between the writing and the posting to YWS for critiques, do 3-5 of your own editing and analytic sweeps. It slows you down, but it improves quality, and unless all you care about is getting brain clutter out into pixels so your friends can like it in a lather-rinse-repeat cycle, it's a necessary step in the evolutionary process.
The only thing I have to say us- isn't,"I speech," narration?
First person narration is a thing, yes. That's "I <predicate>(d) <receiving noun>(s)" in its simplest form.
When I talk about "I-speech" I'm calling out your constant fallback to statements "I can" "I am" "I was" "I won't" "I want". Simple sentences and ideas that my four-year-old nephew knows how to execute. There are times when simple is good - but when simple is all you give, that's an issue.
Hmm. I'm starting to debate on the writing to get,"better," and the writing to finish my ideas for aongs. I admit you have a point- but for my goal I have seen simple I statements work very well. One of my favorite artists uses it in the same way- so I'm starting to rethink whether or not I'm getting better as a writer by formating my works to fit certain people's opinions on it instead of rye majority.
That is certainly your call to make, though I'll be disappointed if you make it. It's possible to write two entirely different styles and accomplish both. All writers who pen prose and poetry accomplish this. But it requires time and effort and people who are willing to invest in you.
And I'll tell you: you certainly have the last of those three.
I can tell. Your hounding on me like a rabid dog xD
Great job Cas! I like it, it is really good!