Young Writers Society

Hi there.

Ah, love. The gut-wrenching, heart-pounding, sleepless feeling that consumes all in its path.

First things first. You have potential here. It is very basic, and very cliche, but that's how most love poems turn out.

What you need to do is add detail, metaphor, and simile. Basically, put in some images. You have none. You have one detail of setting, and that's "It's one o'clock in the morning." That's the time. Great. Good start. Now, where are you? Are you in bed? Are you sitting by your window, staring at the stars, pondering star-crossed lovers (please don't use that. It's a terribly terribly tired cliche)? Give us a more solid setting.

Also, give us a face. If you love this person so much, what does he/she look like? There's another thing. Just by reading this, I have no idea if it's written for a female or a male. There are no specifics at all. But anyway. Even if you focus on one detail throughout the whole poem, make sure that one detail is the thing that's keeping you awake. This poem is focusing on how this person keeps you awake, right? That's the title. One O'Clock. So focus more on that and less on how you wish they were there. One thing at a time.

I wouldn't mention the physical aspect of a relationship in this poem. We know it's partially what you want, but there are a very limited number of words to say "I want to touch you" and all of them have been used too many times.

The rhyme scheme makes this saccharine; more so than it would have been without the rhyme scheme. If you decide to rewrite this, take out the rhyme scheme. It doesn't do anything except make it sing-songy and trite.

You do have a good skeleton for a good poem, though. Keep your focus on the other person, and not what you want. It's all about them if it's a love poem. Good luck, and keep poeting!

I love this, even though I'm not the romantic type, this poem is very soulful. I don't see one flaw, I guess, in this poem. The way you express your feelings is very cliché but still very different. Very delicate and beautiful this piece of poetry is simply wonderful.

Hi FallenAngel97

Just perfect cliché heaven... I know some people don't like clichés, but I think when used well they are really quite splendid! (I have never said splendid before...)

The A,B rhyming pattern is reflective of a typical love poem, not a sonnet, but more of the kind of thing that a loving boyfriend would write in a Valentine's card (or you wish he would write.... ) and I think this work's well to give it a more relaxed and happy atmosphere that wouldn't necessarily be communicated through the use of another structure.

The quatrain stanzas are simplistic, but I don't mind, it's all about what you as the author wanted to do with the poem.
I think if you wanted to be more sophisticated in your prose then you could move away from the idea of clichés however I think the poem is good as it is, as it has a clear meaning and the speaker is easily identified, which is a concept which is sometimes lost on the more far-fetched poems combining complex structures.

A very good attempt at a love poem, well done

-Bilbos

Hiya! Guineapiggirl here to review your work. Firstly, I'd like to comment a little on the line lengths.

How can you not see?
How beautiful you are
You mean so much to me
Together, we can go far

The last line feels too long.

I long to hold you in my arms
To feel your body against mine
Here, with me, you’re safe from harm
With me, you’ll be just fine

This line, I feel like it should be 'you are safe from harm', like that would fit the rhythm better, somehow.

It’s one o’clock in the morning
And I’m still thinking of you
And I hope that when you awake in the morning
You’ll be thinking of me too

This would work perfectly rhythm wise without the second 'in the morning'. But it wouldn't fit your rhyme scheme... (well done on that, by the way. a b a b is a really hard rhyme scheme, and none of your rhymes feel forced.)

You haven't really brought anything different to this subject. I think it would have been really good if you'd put in some stuff about the person they're thinking about, rather than just general things about thinking about them.
I hope I've helped a little bit. While I didn't particularly find the subject of this poem interesting, I think you did a really good job from a rhyming point of view, and for most of it the rhythm flows great.

Oh, romantic poems are really hard. I applaud you for attempting it, and I celebrate whatever motivation came behind it, because love is divine, isn't it? Haha.

The problem is that every love is individual, and for some reason our society uses broad, general words to describe it usually. Just look at the phrases you've adopted to use:

"I just want to hold you tight."
"I promise that we'll be alright."

Like, I know these are used a lot in tv shows or maybe in books or something, but the words are actually pretty empty. I want to hug you. Okay, that's cool. I think you get to know how empty words are if you think back on a long-distance relationship. I think, haha, so what he said he wanted to hug me. He never did, did he? When you need that physical relationship, words get flimsy.

But what makes them strong is the people who say them. In a relationship with someone who you believe, with some one who understands you and knows when to say certain things, these words can be powerful and healing. They might be just what you wanted to hear. In that case, these words can burn and soothe.

But what you're missing in your poem is precisely that individual relationship. You say you're thinking of the other person's face. So what? I don't know what this kid looks like. I don't know why his face is special. If I don't know the good points of this person, or at least what you perceive as good points, I don't know why you're loving them, thinking of them, imagining them, and wanting to hug them.

Without a relationship narrative or at least specific images that relate to the relationship, I will not be able to see this as more than empty, over-used words.

But you know what? That's okay. And you know why? Because you have the potential to put what a reader needs in this poem. You know all those specifics. You know all those reasons. You just need to think about them, put them into words, and then weave them in with these (if they're really so important to you to communicate).

You can do it. I know you can!

PM me if you have any questions, please!

Good luck and keep writing.

I love this entry! It flows very well. It has a strong meaning and I could relate to it.
This is my first review so I am sorry that I am not very helpful. One thing, Instead of "How can you not see?" you could also do "Can you not see?" Either way works.