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Young Writers Society


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Unsafe ~ Chapter 9

by dogsrule5


“Irene, give me the answers I deserve. I gave you as many answers as possible.” Izzy said. “It’s your turn.”

“Okay. I will.” You have to tell Izzy, you can no longer keep this secret. She’s demanding answers. You don’t know whether you should lie again to Izzy or just come out clean. Either way you’re in trouble.

You decided to come clean, and just tell her.

“Who’s with Toby?” Izzy asked.

“Her name is Maya. She’s the one who murdered my parents and put me in the hospital. She’s bad, and I have no idea why Toby’s with her. She was here last night too.” You go on and explain the dream and what happened last night.

“Wait!” Izzy said

“What?”

“What if Amber and Ivy are working for Maya?!”

“If they are, is it by force? Or is it by their own choice? Izzy we may be on to something, but we still have so much to figure out. We still need my memory to know what’s going on.”

“I know.”

The black car left a while ago while you and Izzy were talking. A new car showed up.

“Oh no.” Izzy said. “Who is it this time?”

You look to see who’s getting out of the car. “It’s Adam.” You say happily.

You run to the door and open it. “Adam!” You say.

“Irene, it’s so good to see you! What happened with Toby? He wasn’t at the house and neither were you.’

“Yeah, I’m staying at Izzy’s for a while and I have no clue where Toby went.”

“Irene.” Izzy said coming closer to you. “Can we talk? It’s not about Adam, its Toby. I have an idea, but I need to know if it could be possible.”

“Um… Okay Izzy. Let’s go.” You reply. “Be right back Adam.”

“Is Adam still your boyfriend?” Izzy asks.

“Yes Izzy, and you said this was about Toby not Adam.”

“I know, I was just making sure I was correct. Anyway here’s the thing. When we saw Toby getting out of Maya’s car earlier do you think he could be working for her? As well as Amber and Ivy?”

“Look I don’t even know if that’s who they’re working for. They never specified in the dream who they were working for.”

“I know, but what if they are all bad, and Toby is secretly working for Maya, and has always been.”

“It is possible, Izzy, but we can’t just make this our conclusion. We have to see what happens next. We have to turn the page in the story.”

You walk back to the door with Adam. When you open the door, Adam was gone, but his car was still parked outside.

“Izzy. Where did Adam go? He was right here a minute ago. Did you have something to do with this?”

“No, I have no idea.” She replies

You run outside and he’s nowhere to be found. You search the neighborhood, but he’s not there.

“Where could he have gone?” Izzy asks.

As soon as Izzy asks that you see someone out of the corner of your eye. She has green eyes, and red hair that looks more orange. You knew exactly who this was. It was Ivy, from your dream.

“What did you do with Adam Ivy?” You scream.

“Oh, I didn’t realize he meant so much to you. You’ll never find him, and I’m not telling.” She said that with a laugh.

“You know I care about him, you just don’t know what that’s like. To be in love, because you’re evil. You don’t even know what love is.”

There was no reply…

“No comeback Ivy…” You say.

“Look Irene, it’s not what you think okay. You probably think that I’m evil, but I’m not.”

“Yes you are, quit lying. I know you took Adam. Where is he?”

She laughs. “Maybe I did take your little boy toy, but he’s somewhere, where you will never find him.”

“Take me.”

“Never. I’m not taking you, you’ll just have to find him on your own. Oh wait… You can’t. Bye” She walks away.

“Izzy what are we supposed to do?” You say worried.

“I don’t know.”

“We have to try and find him.”

“We can’t do that Irene. He could be leaving the country for all we know.”

“They most likely wouldn’t leave the country.”

“They could if they really wanted to.”

“They didn’t leave the country Izzy.”

“If you say so. Well ‘Captain’ where are we supposed to look?”

“Will you quit, just stop. I’m so sick of you doing this.”

“What did I do?”

“Standing around asking stupid questions, and not trying to actually help.”

She laughs. “Maybe I did take your little boy toy, but he’s somewhere, where you will never find him.”

“Take me.”

“Never. I’m not taking you, you’ll just have to find him on your own. Oh wait… You can’t. Bye” She walks away.

“Izzy what are we supposed to do?” You say worried.

“I don’t know.”

“We have to try and find him.”

“We can’t do that Irene. He could be leaving the country for all we know.”

“They most likely wouldn’t leave the country.”

“They could if they really wanted to.”

“They didn’t leave the country Izzy.”

“If you say so. Well ‘Captain’ where are we supposed to look?”

“Will you quit, just stop. I’m so sick of you doing this.”

“What did I do?”

“Standing around asking stupid questions, and not trying to actually help. You want me to do all the thinking and all the planning. Can’t you help for once?”

“I’m just asking questions. I don’t see what the problem is.”

“Yeah and you wouldn’t but you’re too stupid. That’s why you ask all the questions.”

“What? Why would you say that?”

“See there you go again.”

“If you’re going to act like this then get the hell out of here. I can’t stand you yelling at me like this. You just act like another Amber. I’m done. Get out.”

“Fine, I’ll find Adam myself.” You say walking off.

“Irene, I’m sorry. Look you can’t go by yourself. It’s way too dangerous. What happens if Amber, Ivy, Maya, or even Toby tries something? You’ll be alone. I’m coming with you.”

“You’ll just mess things up and ask way too many questions and be really annoying.”

“No I won’t. I promise I won’t ask any questions unless it’s important. Please just let me go with you.”

“Ugh. Fine, if you must, but you have to follow my rules.”

“Deal. What are the rules?”

“Stay with me. Do as I say. Lastly don’t ask any questions unless it’s that important.”

“Um… Okay, but what if I…”

You cut her off.

“Do you get the rules?”

“Yes, I guess. Let’s go.”

“Okay.”

You run into Izzy’s kitchen and grab the car keys then head out of the car you stole from Toby and now on your quest to find Adam.

You were in the car thinking about Izzy. You didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. She just asks way too many questions. There is nothing you can do about it. She’s just a curious girl who needs answers.

“Izzy” You say. “I’m sorry I was such a jerk. I shouldn’t have gotten so mad at you because you asked questions. You’re right asking questions is a good thing, and I shouldn’t have gotten mad. I’m really sorry. I was just in a panic and didn’t know what to do when Adam went missing.”

“Hey, it’s okay I forgive you, but just a question. Am I allowed to ask questions again?”

“Yes Izzy.” You say laughing. “Now, let’s go find Adam!”

You were driving back home, where Toby lives to see if you can find Adam there. That seems to be where you found all these people. Amber, Toby, Adam, and Marilyn.

“Hey Irene?”

“Yes Izzy?” You reply

“Did you even have a memory of where you used to live? Such as a street name, address, state, or city?”

“No sorry. Why?”

“They could’ve taken Adam there. To your old house, so you wouldn’t know where to find him.”

“How would they know where my old house was, if I don’t know where my old house was?”

“Maya would. She’s the one that came in and shot your parents.”

“I know, but what I don’t understand about that, is how did my parents even know Maya?”

“Probably from work or something.”

“Yes, but why would Maya take Adam to our old house? Someone new probably owns it now.”

“Maybe not.”

“Good point, but I have no clue where it could be.”

“I know we don’t trust him like we both used to before that happened, but you could always ask Toby. He may tell you the truth so you will trust him again.”

“How are we going to get him to tell us?”

“You could always tell him if he tells you, you will trust him again, but secretly you don’t.”

“Okay, it’s worth a shot, but he can’t know you’re with me.”

“Let’s park the car down the street, so he won’t know where we are.”

“Okay.”

You walk up to Toby’s door and ring the doorbell. You’re hoping he’s there. He answers.

“What the hell do you want?”

“I trust you again Toby. I want to know where we used to live. With our parents before that…”

“Why would I tell you?”

“I trust you again. Look you’re right Izzy was probably lying. I can’t trust her.”

“Fine. Are you moving back in?”

“No, I found a place.”

“Whatever. If you say so.”

“So where did we used to live when mom and dad died?”

“We lived in Pittsburg Pennsylvania.”

“Okay, the address.”

“Right. 664 Richwood Pittsburg Pennsylvania.”

“Okay thanks.”

“Why did you need to know?”

“Reasons Toby, reasons.”

“Oh come on, you can trust me right?”

“I don’t know Toby. Can I?”

You walk off down a block and get into the car.

“Well did he tell you?” Izzy asked.

“Yep. We lived at 664 Richwood Pittsburg Pennsylvania.”

“Awesome. So are we going there, or should we check around Amber’s house first?”

“Let’s check around Amber’s first. I don’t know where she lives though.”

“Don’t worry, I worked for her, so I know where she lives.”

“Take the road past Toby’s house then turn right at the end of the neighborhood.”

“Okay.” You do as Izzy tells you and eventually end up at Amber’s house.

“Here we are.” Izzy says.

“Great, we will all die now.”

“Shut up Irene. Be serious.”

You and Izzy walk up to Amber’s porch. Izzy rings the doorbell.

“Here we go.” You say. Izzy doesn’t reply. You waited about two minutes before ringing the doorbell again. You here yelling inside.

“Go answer the door Clayton.” Amber shouts.

“Okay fine.”

Someone finally answers.

“Who the hell are you?” The man says

“We need to speak to Amber. Immediately.” Izzy says.

“Amber” Clayton screams. “Some snobs are here to see you.”

“Don’t’ care.” Amber yells back. “Tell them to go away.”

“Amber said to go away.” Clayton says to you and Izzy.

“We won’t go away until we speak to her.” You say.

Clayton goes inside and pushes Amber to the door.

“Oh great, it’s you two.” Amber says. “What the hell do you want?”

“Where’s Adam?” You ask.

“Look that was Ivy who had that job, I didn’t. So, I have no clue where the hell he is. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a boyfriend to fight with.”

You and Izzy look at each other.

“If you say so.” Amber sounded like she wasn’t lying. You didn’t realize she had a boyfriend, and neither did Izzy.

“Hey Izzy?”

“What?” She replies.

“That was the guy who lives in your old house. I didn’t realize he was Amber’s boyfriend. They are probably working together, and are getting into a fight on who to kill or hurt next.”

“Yeah, that could be Adam.”

“Yes, but Amber didn’t sound like she was lying.”

“No, but Amber can be pretty convincing when she wants to be. Believe me I know.”

“Yeah I guess you’re right. What are we supposed to do? God knows where Adam is.”

“We still have to go to your old house. I know Amber put someone there once to hide them.”

“Alright let’s go.”

You and Izzy run to the car, and jump in ready to go to your old house hoping Adam is there.


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Sun Aug 27, 2017 4:25 pm
Kale wrote a review...



Hello hello, and Happy Review Day! On behalf of the Knights of the Green Room, and as a representative of the Will Review for Food forum, I am here to rescue your work from the back of the Green Room with a (hopefully healthy) dose of #TNT .

With that said, I think it worth noting that I haven't read the previous parts, so if I bring up something that was already addressed in those, feel free to disregard me. ;P

Now, first impressions first, that is a lot of dialogue. And a lot of it is lacking tags. Fortunately, it looks like there's only two characters talking in this scene, so the lack of tags isn't as much of an issue as it could be since it's pretty easy to keep track of who is saying what, but the lack of tags also has the unfortunate result of making everything in this chapter feel like it occurs and hyperspeed.

Something I would strongly recommend you do is go back through and add in some physical and sensory descriptions of what the characters are doing as they say something. For example, is Izzy looking at you flatly when she says "Believe me I know"? Is the strange guy they assume to be Clayton glaring down at them when he opens the door?

Little details like that really help readers visualize the scene and understand the tone the characters are speaking in much more easily, in addition to slowing down the pace and showing that some time has passed between the discussion and the following events.

Transitions are important, and right now, with the lack of actions being described, there's almost no transition between the events and things the characters are talking about before they do them.

Basically, slow down and spend a bit more time showing us the characters' actions to balance out all the talking they're doing. It will help the story feel a bit more realistic in scope rather than speeding past faster than the speed of light.




dogsrule5 says...


Ok thanks for the tip! I wrote this chapter long in advance before I posted it and I looked back and edited but I got distracted by my mom asking me to go with her to the grocery store, came back, and posted it forgetting what I was doing in the first place! I will go back to it and add tags, but it might be awhile because I'm busy right now!

Thank you for the review, and I appreciate the tips!

~Dogs!



Kale says...


You're welcome!



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Sun Aug 27, 2017 3:48 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

All right, so the first thing I want to do is point this out.

She laughs. “Maybe I did take your little boy toy, but he’s somewhere, where you will never find him.”

“Take me.”

“Never. I’m not taking you, you’ll just have to find him on your own. Oh wait… You can’t. Bye” She walks away.

“Izzy what are we supposed to do?” You say worried.

“I don’t know.”

“We have to try and find him.”

“We can’t do that Irene. He could be leaving the country for all we know.”

“They most likely wouldn’t leave the country.”

“They could if they really wanted to.”

“They didn’t leave the country Izzy.”

“If you say so. Well ‘Captain’ where are we supposed to look?”

“Will you quit, just stop. I’m so sick of you doing this.”

“What did I do?”

“Standing around asking stupid questions, and not trying to actually help.”

She laughs. “Maybe I did take your little boy toy, but he’s somewhere, where you will never find him.”

“Take me.”

“Never. I’m not taking you, you’ll just have to find him on your own. Oh wait… You can’t. Bye” She walks away.

“Izzy what are we supposed to do?” You say worried.

“I don’t know.”

“We have to try and find him.”

“We can’t do that Irene. He could be leaving the country for all we know.”

“They most likely wouldn’t leave the country.”

“They could if they really wanted to.”

“They didn’t leave the country Izzy.”

“If you say so. Well ‘Captain’ where are we supposed to look?”

“Will you quit, just stop. I’m so sick of you doing this.”

“What did I do?”

“Standing around asking stupid questions, and not trying to actually help.


Oops! Looks like you repeated yourself there. You might want to delete that so readers don't get confused!

Now onto the main event.

HOLY MOTHER OF DIALOGUE, BATMAN. I remember reading a bit of them several months ago, and I could be wrong but I feel like this wasn't as big an issue last time? Like, I recall saying something about there being so much dialogue, but I think you also had more places where there was some good narration and a nice balance.

In this chapter, however, practically the whole thing is dialogue - especially toward the end, where you wind up with big long strings of conversation, like this.

“Hey Irene?”

“Yes Izzy?” You reply

“Did you even have a memory of where you used to live? Such as a street name, address, state, or city?”

“No sorry. Why?”

“They could’ve taken Adam there. To your old house, so you wouldn’t know where to find him.”

“How would they know where my old house was, if I don’t know where my old house was?”

“Maya would. She’s the one that came in and shot your parents.”

“I know, but what I don’t understand about that, is how did my parents even know Maya?”

“Probably from work or something.”

“Yes, but why would Maya take Adam to our old house? Someone new probably owns it now.”

“Maybe not.”

“Good point, but I have no clue where it could be.”

“I know we don’t trust him like we both used to before that happened, but you could always ask Toby. He may tell you the truth so you will trust him again.”

“How are we going to get him to tell us?”

“You could always tell him if he tells you, you will trust him again, but secretly you don’t.”

“Okay, it’s worth a shot, but he can’t know you’re with me.”

“Let’s park the car down the street, so he won’t know where we are.”

“Okay.”


There are 3 main problems with this.

1. It's hard to keep track of who's speaking. Even in this scene, where there are only two characters talking to each other, I eventually lost track of which lines were Irene's and which were Izzy's.

2. The pacing is off. Because dialogue can be so short - one or two lines per character before someone else speaks again - the story zips by so quickly it's hard for readers to know what's happening and when and why, even if the characters talk about it. Dialogue reads really, really quickly. You don't want the story to drag, but you don't want to leave readers breathless, either.

3. The characters are floating in midair. Metaphorically, of course. Because there's so much dialogue - and so little narration and description - I can't really picture where they are or what they're doing. I know they're in a car at some point, but I don't know what kind of car or what the scenery is like out the windows. Similarly, I know they knock on the door of a house at some point, but I don't know what the house looks like outside or inside.

Think about what your characters are doing as they talk - not just "driving," but little things. Are they fidgeting? Does Irene have a necklace or ring that she plays with when she's nervous? Does Izzy flip her hair? What are some ticks they have, things they do that they might not even notice?

The other thing to think about is the characters' surroundings. Are they driving through an urban area? Suburban? Rural? Are there businesses around? Houses? Are they well-kept or decrepit? New and clean or falling down? Are the yards and gardens overgrown or trimmed and tended?

Once you have answers to these questions, see where you can insert some of these things into the story, between lines of dialogue. You don't have to have narration between every single line, but adding it in at least every couple of lines will help slow things down while giving readers a better picture of what's going on in the midst of all this conversation. If you have trouble figuring out where to put things, try reading the dialogue out loud. You might be able to hear or feel spots where it seems like your characters might pause before answering, or spots where it would make sense for them to do something while answering.

Write on!
BlueAfrica

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dogsrule5 says...


Thanks so much for the review! I will work on tags and dialogue in the next chapters! Also I must've accidentally repeated that my mistake thanks for pointing that out as well!

Thanks again for the review and I appreciate the tips!

~Dogs



BluesClues says...


You're very welcome!




If I were a girl in a book, this would all be so easy.
— Jo March