z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Veil - Chapter 29

by megsug


Qui’in went to a friend who knew a friend who had pretty good knowledge of people looking to be hired for the grittier jobs. It was a bit of a struggle to find the right person. The kind of person drawn to that kind of… career… was often intimidating, didn’t blend into a crowd like she needed them to.

Leaving the last hulking, tattooed man, she sighed heavily, a little concerned that she wasn’t going to be able to find anyone. The sun was high in the bright blue sky, and she could feel the warm damp of sweat gathering at her armpits. She glanced at the notebook she held and sighed softly, marching through alleys and across roads that began to look less and less promising. She had lost some of her defining grace and poise throughout the day. It wasn’t so much that the day was hot or that she was tired. She had suffered through both of those without looking mussed countless times. She could just feel the importance of this quest breathing down her neck.

Lekan wouldn’t survive long if he didn’t have someone sweeping up his crumbs behind him. He was just too careless and too green. If she had a year or even half of one, she could probably polish him into something vaguely worthy of espionage. Not that it mattered since she didn’t.

The closer she got to the next address on her list, the more worried she got. The area was in the worst part of town she had been so far. People crowded in the few spots of shade, overheating each other with their body heat as they tried to save themselves from the sun. Other than a few suspiciously still beggars and the flies dawdling around their eyelids, no one was out in the open on the streets. Hardly any movement could be seen from inside buildings. Shadows didn’t even flicker behind the paper covering most windows.

She almost left for the next address when she saw the stairs. Perhaps a more accurate term would be the death trap. They followed the wall of a three floor building up, zigzagging. The railing would have collapsed under anyone who would have had the misfortune of falling off. She carefully took the steps, as close to the wall as she could get. They squealed under her weight, and she had to lift her skirt to ensure that it didn’t get caught on a jagged piece of broken wood or an errant nail coming lose. Towards the middle of the staircase, she had to skip a step because it had a large hole where some poor soul had stepped through rotting wood.

She knocked on the door, pulling back a hand covered in gray paint flecks that could have been a number of other colors originally. Brushing at her knuckles primly, she heard murmurs behind the door, some rustling, and had straightened her shoulders when the door opened.

Qui raised an eyebrow at the startlingly white boy with pink eyes. Clearing her throat, she glanced into the room as the boy opened the door a little wider. Someone else was coming towards her, dark hair cut short, eyes large as they took in Qui quickly. “Which one of you is Dalki?” she asked, hoping it was the girl. An albino would draw far too much attention to himself.

The girl nodded, stopping behind the albino. “Why’re you asking?”

Cataloguing the girl’s traits, sorting them into promising and worrisome, Qui liked what she saw at first glance. She’d just have to see what this kid’s talent was, and if she would be good enough to keep Lekan safe. “May I come inside?”

Dalki’s eyes shuttered. “No.”

Nodding to herself, having expected no more than that response, Qui shrugged. “Well then. Never mind about the job offer then.” She saw Dalki and her companion exchange glances as she turned with a smirking. She started a little when Dalki called out as if she hadn’t been expecting it and turned around, head tilted in coy inquiry.

“Ya coulda just said you’re offering a job. I’da let you in.” Dalki stepped away from the door meekly, jerking the albino to her side despite his glare.

She sailed in with the haughty dignity necessary to keep her place as the superior in this relationship. Stopping in the middle of the room, she looked around at the sparse décor before turning to face her hosts.

Dalki was whispering to the albino, placing a coin purse in his waiting hand. She glanced up at Qui when he jerked his head towards her and sighed. “Ah… We were just about to go get a bite to eat. While we talk Fels is going to go ahead and get that for us. Would you like anything?”

Qui hadn’t eaten anything since she’d started this quest for someone to protect Lekan, but she paused before nodding. In a slum like this, it was hard to say what their “food” would be made of. Their deflated coin purse also made her hesitant to put an extra strain on it. “I’m fine,” she purred and waited through another bout of hissing before Fels dashed out the door.

Dalki closed the door. “Alright. What kinda job’re we talking about?”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1417 Reviews


Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417

Donate
Mon Apr 27, 2015 9:44 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

It's been a while. Shame on me.

So, I don't know what to think about the first paragraph here. It's written fine and everything, but it just doesn't seem to fit into your style of writing. To me, it's a bit too informal while the rest of your writing has been more structured and more author driven than character driven. It just doesn't seem to fit in.

She glanced at the notebook she held and sighed softly, marching through alleys and across roads that began to look less and less promising.

I think this would've been a great spot to use some more imagery. I know that it's not really super important as we already know where Qui is going, but it would be nice to get that image. Why did the roads look less promising? What had she been hoping to see? It would also be interesting to see her reactions to this new place in town. She's definitely a strong person and I would've liked to see her reaction to being in a less than impressive part of town. That goes for the sentence after the one I quoted.

If she had a year or even half of one, she could probably polish him into something vaguely worthy of espionage.

This brings up a point that has been bothering me for a majority of this novel. How long exactly, does Lekan have until he's shipped off? I feel like/know you might've mentioned it in the very beginning, but I have long since forgotten. It might be something nice to remind the readers occasionally throughout the novel. Just so we can keep up with the timeline of the story.

I can really see things moving along here. All of the characters' lives seems to be coming together now and I can see them all meeting in the near future. You have a lot going on in this novel, but you're doing a good job keeping us up to date with all of the characters and what's going on with their lives. I feel like this entire story is revolving around Lekan, but we're seeing it through the other character's eyes. That's one of the many things I love about this novel.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




User avatar
1634 Reviews


Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Sun Mar 29, 2015 2:51 pm
View Likes
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Megusg!

Hope you aren't tired of me yet. And as always, happy review day!

I like the fact that you backtracked a bit here and let us see Qui's thoughts and opinion sof the scenery. It was good for you to take the time to show us all the trouble she has gone to to find Dalki. I felt like this was a very description heavy chapter at the beginning, but I don't mind too much because your writing isn't often a lot of description in one place, and it was very good for when it comes to adding to the scenery as well. Basically, this will be a short review because I can't really think of anything to pick out here.

One thing that I might've wanted to know was who led her here. It would've been interesting if she had ended up going to the men that Dalki had earlier worked for, and when she found all of their men not suitable they had said there was an unreliable girl he had recently fired in passing or out of spite and anger that they hadn't convinced her to use their services instead. Or maybe she found Dalki through other means. But I would've been interested in knowing what those means had been.

“Well then. Never mind about the job offer then.”


You have repetition of the word 'then' here unnecessarily. I think you should just cut out the second time you use it, because it isn't really needed.

She saw Dalki and her companion exchange glances as she turned with a smirking.


I think you mean she turned with a smirk instead of smirking.

Otherwise, I am seriously left with nothing to say. An impeccable chapter. I am going to take a bit of a break from reviewing, but I will be back soon enough to review the last two chapters! I can't wait to be all caught up ;)

Deanie x




User avatar
1220 Reviews


Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Donate
Sat Mar 14, 2015 11:39 am
View Likes
Kale wrote a review...



It's a-me again! Back for another chapter as I try not to fall asleep before I finish getting my review count back to a multiple of five.

Multiples of five make me happy, okay.

The sun was high in the bright blue sky, and she could feel the warm damp of sweat gathering at her armpits.

Have I told you how much I like these little details that you incorporate so seamlessly into your narration? I think I have, but just in case, I'm telling you again. I really like these little details and how you incorporate them so seamlessly into your narration. They're there, and they add so much, and with so little.

You do have some issues with some convoluted tenses in this chapter though. For example:

The railing would have collapsed under anyone who would have had the misfortune of falling off.

This can be simplified to "The railing would have collapsed under anyone who had the misfortune of falling off" without changing the meaning.

It's not the only example of twisty tenses, but it's the most obvious one.

I also noticed that you switched between referring to Qui'in as "Qui'in" and "Qui", and I'd recommend picking one and sticking with it in the narration at least because switching like that can be very confusing. I've been encountering a lot of stories that involve switching between terms of reference for the characters within the narration, and a lot of the times, I have no idea how many characters are involved in a scene.

Switching between "Qui'in" and "Qui" isn't anywhere near as bad as that since one is a straightforward shortening of the other, but if you switch between terms of reference in the narration elsewhere for other characters, I'd recommend picking a name/description to refer to each character to prevent confusion in other chapters, especially the more action-heavy ones, and especially if the terms used are very different (like first and last names or titles and such).

Oddly enough, I don't remember if you switched between in previous chapters I've reviewed. o_O If you did, I didn't notice and probably assumed there were more characters involved than there actually were.

That will make reading this story from the beginning interesting, if that's the case.




User avatar
271 Reviews


Points: 414
Reviews: 271

Donate
Fri Mar 13, 2015 3:30 am
Gravity wrote a review...



Hey Meg!
So I have not read The Veil, I just saw that your novel chapter has been in the greenroom for a couple days and I didn't want to see it get forgotten until review day.

So here goes!

The kind of person drawn to that kind of… career… was often intimidating, didn’t blend into a crowd like she needed them to.
Okay so I'm reviewing right now as I go along and I noticed this sentence. I had to re read it a few times. the ellipse with the career part was a little awkward but I understand the tone you were trying to convey with it, so that's a stylistic thing. But may I suggest replacing your comma with 'and'? I think that might make this sentence flow much better.

The sun was high in the bright blue sky, and she could feel the warm damp of sweat gathering at her armpits.
You don't need the comma there

Nodding to herself, having expected no more than that response, Qui shrugged. “Well then. Never mind about the job offer then.” She saw Dalki and her companion exchange glances as she turned with a smirking.


haha this made me chuckle. The only thing I can see that needs to be fixed from here is "smirking" should be "smirk".

Overall I enjoyed this chapter even though I haven't read the rest of your book. So you did a great job. Happy Writing!

XOXO,
Gravity





The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.
— Mark Twain