A Moment With You

Hey Timmy! I have reviewed LOTS of your poems.
Firstly, First sentence::::
as I watch this night fade away into empty dawn...
Ok, I was amazed at this amazing poem. But come on, remember to always capitalize this.
The first word of the sentence, REALLY important, please remember that.
Really good start though; like most of all your other poems, great way to make the reader feel welcomed, wanting to read on and on and on until this wonderful poem is finished.

Second sentence:
time does show it's hard to forget my dreams and carry on

Can you see it? There's a typo. Between forget and my, I am pretty sure you did 2 spaces in stead of one. Look closely; its there! I promise.

Strange how through the whole poem you didn't put a comma or even a period. I suggest you put a period after the second sentence.
Like this:
As I watch this night fade away into empty dawn;
Time does show it's hard to forget my dreams and carry on.

Those first two sentences are the ones that I fixed. Read yours then mine, see which one you like best. But you have to fix that typo.

a moment with you

The last sentence is strong, lovingly. Just don't make it sound too forced.
Amazing!
Just PLEASE remember to capitalize. That may be your way that you wrote this lyrics, but I am just suggesting.

Tim, this story is wonderful {Just like all your other ones (couldn't count) and it will always be amazing}

One last thing:
Dose show

.... Why not use shows, or something more simple?
Remember, simple and sweet is the key.

On many of my reviews, I always say don't be to complicated.

That's the one bad thing that so many people do. An sentence or two of compilation is good, not the whole piece though.

I can't say anything else. That's all. Its amazing, wonderful, fantastic, lovingly, perfect {Pretty much!}, and awesome, and all those things again.

Keep up the good work! Good luck on fixing the typo, and I hope I wasn't to harsh. I love reading your works and I can do it all day if I could.

I want to write like you so badly! Sadly, all I can do now is help your writing, which; is actually good. I guess.

When you have time, could you review my poem?
Its called Tears of Rainbows.

Think I might need your help. I was also hoping you could give me some advice on my wall/profile.

Thanks soooo much Timmy!

Wonderful again.
Farwell,
Curiosity227

{ *Standing ovation* Clap, Cheer*}

I thought this was very well thought out set of lyrics.I like the vivid wording you used.You just don't see that in modern music.I love the way you use different metaphors like with the harbor of hope bit.I like the flow of the piece.It had a very nice rhythm.I didn't see any mistakes that were used for a good propose.I thought it was very enjoyable.Good luck!!!

Heya Timmy! Because you requested a review, I'mma be tough. ^-^
I should let you know that I review lyrics basically like I would a poem, I’m just a little more lenient on things like forced rhyme and awkward rhythm, because those things tend to sound more natural when there’s music behind it. Because of this, song and poem are generally interchangeable in this review.
I reviewed this on a piece of paper, so now I’ve got to transfer my shorthand and arrows into actual words. Darn.

Let’s take this line by line.

“empty dawn”. What. I know it’s symbolic and stuff, but you’ve gotta run away from these ideas that everything in poetry is symbolic and metaphorical. Sometimes they are, but they need to be clear and developed symbols in my opinion. What do you mean by empty dawn? I suppose I can conjecture that you mean like, a hard future, but that never really gets cleared up, and the whole symbol itself is kinda ineffective to be honest ._.

“Time does show” Okay, first of all, how is time showing anything? Do you mean that this thing has happened over and over again, so time has shown…? Because then I think it might be more effective to say “and after all these years, time has shown.” Oh, and that’s the second thing. “Does show?” Can’t we just say “shows” and speak current English? I know it probably messes up whatever rhythm you have, but still. It’s so awkward I want to scream.

Um, apologies if I come off a little sassy. The chicken salad thing I was eating while I was reviewing this was pretty nasty so I was getting moody.

“forget my dreams and carry on” So… One of the big problems with this, in my opinion, is that it’s like, really focused on yourself. It’s not too bad—trust me I’ve seen many more poems that are truly navel-gazers—but you should be careful with this kind of thing. Why not just say “forget dreams and carry on” or something more general that everyone can relate to. The audience doesn’t know what your dreams are. So they’re stuck trying to picture what they might be while the song continues.

“I always listen… I always wait…” I don’t think “always” matches with “this night” as is how you set the time period at the start.

“Wait for you to look ahead and someday say ‘we’” This doesn’t make much sense. I mean, it does make sense in the weird way that normal conversations with friends make sense. But like, just read that line. Not only is it confusing, it’s awkward, and the main character is just so passive. Why don’t they just take charge and say ‘we’ instead of waiting for ‘someday’ for this other person to say some inconsequential (in my mind) thing?

STANZA TWO! (Yes I just used all that space to talk about 4 lines. XD)


“my past to fade away into your eyes” bleh. It’s so lovey-dovey I just wanna regurgitate that chicken salad. But that’s me. Some people like that kind of thing, and this is that kind of poem. Just… be careful. This is pretty cliché sounding, and many things with love are so easy to fall into that cliché realm. Tread carefully around love. You don’t want to sound like some love-smitten intellectual of the romanticist period. (because believe it or not I actually hate love and romanticism together.)

I don’t understand the thing with the if’s and who’s and why’s. If someone’s asking that, I’d like to see who they are and why they’re asking that.

“crash around inside” --> what? What do you mean? I’d love to see some concrete imagery here.

“we’ll find” I see what you’re trying to do here, but it comes off very awkward when I read it. Maybe it sounds better with music, but I think it would read better as “we’ll find this harbor of hope and we’ll crash around inside(?)” because otherwise Yoda comes to mind.
“until you whisper to me” This sounds like it’s a crazy voice in this person’s head. Whispers, ya know? Maybe you could say “until you whisper that ___(it’ll be okay? You love me? There are donuts waiting in the back?)_____ (to me).” Does what I just said even make sense?

“tell of our foretold” you have two forms of the word “tell” here, one in foretold. It sounds a little repetitive in an unintentional (read: bad) way.

“foretold demise” BLEH. Demise generally is pretty cliché.

“Let despair to rise” Let… to? Those words don’t sound right next to each other. Awkwardness. Awkward turtles are swimming in the air.

“I always listen…” Again, this narrator is so passive. I wish he’d just man up.
Sorry.

“leave your world and come to be” --> whut.

And then we have repeatiness that I’d totally get to you about if these weren’t lyrics.

“tick around the day” I’m not sure if I like this. It reads kind of awkward, but it’s also not really cliché I think? Hm.

The line about storms is def. cliché though.

---
So I like the meaning behind this, and I like how you got it all together. Mostly what I don’t like is how abstract this is. Like, it all seems like it’s in the narrator’s head. There’s no part in here that describes anything physical, which is kind of important. Or, if you argue that a few of these things are physical, I would argue back that they’re some sort of symbol and I still can’t understand them. Vivid imagery is important.
Also, I know this is a song, but your rhymes were verrry verrrry forced. I was rolling my eyes at several of them. Not all songs have to rhyme, don’t forget!

I can already hear this as a song.
Great job, Keep writing!
~fortis

p.s. If you'd like to see the paper that I marked up, I could probably scan it in. Maybe you'd understand it better than all this rambling. It's also more sassy.

Ummmm... I cannot review.

All I can say is... Wow. You're amazing, Tim. Ilu and you're work <3

Keep it up, lovely :33

This is incredible! Can you sing?(:

now that's what i'm talking about,GREAT JOB TIMMY

Timothyyy.
Bear with me here, it's 7:40 in the morning, but I really wanted to review this!
^.^ I'd be interested to hear the melody for this song, just because I know it will sound even better sung
Alright, let's get down to the critique, shall we?

as I watch this night fade away into an empty dawn

time does show it's hard to forget my dreams and carry on

I always listen for your voice to call out to me

I always wait for you to look ahead and someday say 'we'

and a moment

a moment

a moment with you

will be enough for my past to fade away into your eyes

and all of my if's and who's and why's

will crash around inside this cocoon of hope we'll find

Love the song and don't feel stressed it's good. But the second line trips me up. The double space in that line messes me up a bit, but I think it really needs more punctuation. Because I can't tell how I should read that sentence, is it "time does show, it's hard to forget my dreams and carry on" two different thoughts. Or, time does show it's hard to forget my dreams and carry on", one complete thought.
Also the lines
"will crash around inside this cacoon of hope we'll find

and nothing will rest these eerie shadows in my mind"

I just want to know about the cocoon (you spelled it wrong by the way) and find. Are the two characters finding the cocoon already, or are you predicting the future. If you are predicting the future aw, that's so sweet and optimistic. That's all of my cool feedback.
Continuation of warm feedback. This song is so sweet, better than any one direction counting the content.

Hey,

These lyrics are amazing. My only little nitpicks however focus mainly around on the lack of punctuation. Punctuation helps a lot of things come together and it helps convey your message. As well as capitalization. Two things I'm not seeing a whole lot of here. Aside from that how ever, this is a nice piece. I can tell you put a lot of thought into this and it shows with your wording. In the last part tho I feel like you used a lot of "ay" in my opinion if you could change wither "Day" or "way" it would go along way (See what I did there?) Nice job however you have a nice use of vocabulary and it shows in this song. I'm curious however as to what music you had going through your head as you wrote this. Also I feel like there is a story behind this and I would love to know what it is! Back to the main topic however, Nice job here. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Sincerely,
Collideascope.

Lol! The last line in your author's note made me like this work.