It was incredibly hot. Tugging at his collar, Obi slowed his pace to a casual saunter as they neared the caravan outpost. There were two large ones in town. The one close to the center of the city was for the wealthy to end their caravan while the one on the outskirts was for any trade goods and poor travelers. Regardless of the wealth of the customers, shady dealings went on in both. A business rooted in the exchange of goods and people across borders couldn’t afford not to be involved in illicit business. Depending on what a customer wanted, he knew where to go.
Trying not to fidget as his shirt stuck to his skin, Obi strode through a line of ragged men, women, and children, waiting with all of their belongings around them, into the sweltering air of the post on the outskirts of town. He saw Mr. Fughi’s posture change minutely as the butler went from passively observing to make sure he saw any funny business to on guard, sending out signals that he and his charge weren’t to be messed with.
A terrifying looking troupe was unloading, muttering low in a language Obi didn’t recognize. The scrawny camel glared at them as they passed, and Mr. Fughi nonchalantly moved to Obi’s other side, allowing his gaze to rest heavily on the men as they stopped unloading the bolts of silk.
Obi straightened his cuffs primly, his jaw clenching and relaxing as he tried to tell himself he wasn’t nervous at all, that he knew how to deal with this type of people, that he was smarter, better, and quicker than any of the men here. With a quick nod to Mr. Fughi that said “Everything is under control” he rapped on the desk of the secretary that was dozing off, his jowly face shining in the dusty light. “I’ll be introducing myself to Mr. Condrieve, good man. He was already opening the door by the time the secretary was blustering to his feet. Mr. Fughi turned and nodded to the red faced man as he shut the door.
Mr. Condrieve was tiny and much darker skinned than Obi. Glasses that magnified his eyes to strange proportions sat on the tip of his nose. He regarded Obi and the disruption he had created with a vague disdain, his eyebrows seeming to do all of the talking. While he wasn’t dressed as someone of the higher classes, his suit jacket worn and patched, his demeanor was that of someone used to the finer things in life. That made Obi nervous. It was easier to bribe people who needed money. “Do you have an appointment?” he asked carefully, laying down his fountain pen with precision.
“Not at all. I’m looking for certain connections that I can only find here.” While Obi looked down at him, he couldn’t shake the prickle of unease that was nagging at him. He threw a purse of coins on the desk. “I think I can make it easy enough to get to.”
Slowly reaching for the purse, Mr. Condrieve raised his eyebrows at the amount in there. “What kind of connections do you want, Mr…?”
“I need someone to do some work for me. He needs to be fast on his feet, slow to kill, and good with kids.” Obi decided against giving out his name.
The man laughed, and Obi made no effort to hide his lack of patience. “This is not a babysitting service.” When he smiled, Obi could see how rotten his teeth were. Definitely from the low classes then. He wondered where Mr. Condrieve had polished his accent.
Obi’s temper strained to be free, and his control, frayed by the multiple stressors of the day, was struggling to hold it. “I need a kidnapper, Mr. Condrieve. Believe me when I say I would go elsewhere for a nanny service.”
Rifling through the coins, his eyes widening as he realized the amount, Mr. Condrieve glanced up. “What kind of defenses are we talking about?”
“I don’t feel comfortable sharing that information with you,” he replied stiffly.
Mr. Condrieve wrinkled his nose. “How do I know what kind of people to set you up with if I don’t know the details?”
With a shock and a large helping of self-condemnation, Obi realized that there was no honor among thieves. This man knew how to get money and how to get even more. He would not be making it easy on Obi because Obi waved an absurd amount of gold below his nose. As soon as Obi told him a few of the specifics, this man would use him in whatever way made the most gold. His mind screamed at him to get out now, and he glanced at Mr. Fughi who was tense beside him. He had never used these particular facilities before, going to the caravan outpost in the center of town for the few times he’d had illegal needs to be met which had always been goods, not services. It was obvious things didn’t work the same way. He’d made a young man’s mistake in his rush to find help.
“Mr. Fughi, I believe it’s time to take our leave.” Obi considered attempting to retrieve the purse but decided against it. The struggle would have been too much, and he just wanted to flee now. He turned on his heel which was never a good move in the presence of scum, but Obi was determined not to look cowed.
He had left the room and was several paces in front of the door when he realized his butler was not with him. He glanced back, aware that there were too many people here to watch him stand by the door like some kind of dog waiting for his master. He was attempting to decide whether to continue walking or to go back in to retrieve Mr. Fughi when the matter was made null by Mr. Fughi striding through the door, purse in hand.
They walked through the outpost, Mr. Fughi glaring at anyone who even dared to glance at them.
“You could be a bit more subtle if you wished, Mr. Fughi,” Obi muttered through tight lips as they left the stinking building altogether.
Holding the purse out to Obi, Mr. Fughi muttered, “Perhaps money doesn’t mean that much to you, Mr. Eshe, but I could not let that man take this much just because he had been an ass. You train dogs to do you bidding, and you punish them for incorrect behavior.”
Obi took the purse, saying nothing in return. He wasn’t sure there was anything to say because Mr. Fughi was right, and Obi shouldn’t have run like a frightened child. He grunted in frustration. He wanted to shout. Why had he left without a fight? Ihyana needed him, and he had just walked away from the one good chance he had at getting her out.
Where else could he go?
They were in the shadows of the slums when Mr. Fughi murmured, his lips still, “Mr. Eshe, we have a tail.”
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Canary word: Present
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Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
I apologize for not reviewing the past few chapters, but there was never anything for me to say. So I figured it would be better to skip them and move on rather than leaving a review full of my ramblings.
I don't think I can ever praise you too much on your writing. I find myself struggling to find something to review because I don't see anything to correct. Your world building is great. It's Chapter 18 and we're still learning new things about the world that Obi and Lekan live in. In this chapter we get an idea about social statuses. The fact that there are two different outposts really reveal a lot. Social status is obviously a big deal here or else both outposts would be the same. That's a small detail that really adds a lot to the story. Also, your descriptions are great. I really like how you explain how Obi moves and how his expressions change as time goes on. I'm always a big fan or those kind of things. Character development is always more than just dialogue and looks. This is a way that the readers can get a better idea of what kind of person the character is without having to be told.
Sorry to pull out a huge chunk like this, but I wanted to mention something about it. There are many times I've noticed that you put dialogue at the end of a paragraph like this. I can understand why you do this, since the character who's speaking is being talked about in the paragraph. But at the same time, it hides the dialogue. I'm a reader that will -- and I hate to admit this -- skip over descriptions to get to the dialogue or action. So for people like me, having the dialogue at the end is bothersome (not the exact word I wanted to use, but you get the point). Maybe you could start making a new paragraph when the dialogue comes up? It'll be easier to read too.
Another thing I really like about Obi (because I haven't talked about him enough in my reviews... xD) is that he's smart. Sure he goes off and does something careless, like asking for a kidnapper, but not have a back up story so as not to reveal information, but he always understand his mistake. Then he can fix it. Or at least attempt to. That a nice character trait that I see a lot. Not to mention he goes around getting whatever it is he wants. He's a very powerful man, yet we get to see the "real" side of him. If we didn't get to see his perspective in this I think he'd most likely be thought of as a prestigious, annoying, pompous man. But we know how he really is and that helps us understand why he does what he does.
You said Mr. Fughi twice in this sentence here
Man, the butler is tough. I never would've guessed him to stay to get the money. I was sure that he'd just follow Obi out. Then when he didn't, I imagined that something bad had happened to him. Getting back money for Obi was quite an impressive gesture and it definitely impressed me. I think I'm starting to like this guy.
Gah, a cliffhanger >< Someone is following them which, in all honesty, I'm not surprised about. After the scene at the outpost and everything going on in Obi's life, of course someone would be following them. The only question is, is it the man from the outpost or is it someone completely different? Guess I'll have to read on to find out.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hullo! I thought I'd take a look at the next part since I've got some more time to kill
Annnd I actually don't have any specific comments for you this time. There was a typo or two but a good read through will pick those up when you've finished all your revisions.
Alright then, straight to the general stuff. I liked that you took Obi and put him in a situation where he was out of his depth and that really shone through in this scene and we could feel his tension which made us tense as well. On the other hand, the butler was once again quietly impressive and that was a nice, reassuring presence. I missed some of Obi's flamboyance in this chapter. He did barge in on the gentleman, but other than that he was quite passive in his demands and I would have expected more of a fight or an attempt to control the situation.
I also didn't feel like the gentleman in question was impressively guarded enough to match Obi's nerves. He was alone in the room, wasn't he? Why then was Obi nervous about retrieving the purse? It was two on one and his money. And if the guards around the caravan were so fearsome, why didn't they make a move to stop someone walking in on their boss uninvited? I think I'd have just liked the threat to be a little more visible so we could understand it as readily as Obi did.
Ending on the realisation they've been followed is a nice touch and my favourite part was definitely the butler going back for the purse, but I think throwing a few guards in there would have made that even more impressive.
Thanks for the read!
Heather xx
Hi Meg!
I really do like what you are doing with that character and even though we haven't seen much of him, I still think he is by far my favourite. I wonder where this cliffhanger is going and who this tail is!

Happy review day!
Ooh, another very good chapter! Is it just me or is your writing improving with every chapter you post? Again, we get to see how Obi thinks a bit in a crisis, and although he does weigh his choices very carefully in the moment and all, we can still see that sometimes he slips up where better choices could've been made. Once again, I am starting to admire this butler. Retrieving the money for his owner? Now that is loyalty and quick thinking at it's best
What happened to the chapter title? I missing those usual two words we always have, instead of you simply stating the chapter number
One part I didn't quite understand was the scuffle with the secretary before Obi and the butler enter the little shack. Yes, the secretary was sleeping and they woke him up, but I don't see why the man would then be looking at them disdainfully after that. I think he would be more likely to make a comment about how lazy his secretary is. Or was it the fact that they simply walked in without waiting for validation or permission? They didn't harm him as they came in, did they? I am a little bit confused as to what went on there... so it would be helpful for you to make that a bit clearer.
Hm, I know what you are wanting to say but this sentence didn't quite work. There was a part that didn't quite make sense and tweaking that would change a lot of the sentence in turn. So here's my version of it: ... observing to make sure that if he saw any funny business he would be on guard ...
Obi, Obi. I would make the second mention his name a 'he' instead.
I wonder, what made Obi decide against doing it himself? I know you have shown the whole thought process, so it might be interesting that when he thinks about who they could possibly turn to now, that he could show himself considering doing the job on his own, and then disregarding it for reasons of being too dangerous or whatever reasons you want to give. Seeing as he is going out to get help from strangers, it would be nice to know why he doesn't want to do it himself or so.
Otherwise there really is nothing more I can ask for you. Each chapter is getting closer and closer to perfection, and I doubt there is anything missing here. Keep up this amazing quality of writing, and I will be a happy reader ^^
Deanie x