Hello!
Raven here for a quick review!
Therese covered a lot of what I was going to say, but, I will give my two cents.
OMG, in the very beginning was a perfect place for description! You could have described how sloppy Jason was, with leaving guns out in the battle. Or how he never combed his hair. You can tell us so... much about your character with description too!
Somewhere near the beginning, you talk about Jason coming up to her, and telling your MC that he likes her. Then, your MC walks up to him. Did you mean for them to do that? The way I imagined it, is that she got in Jason's face. Was that the scene you were trying to pull off?
So... much... dialogue... Even though having your characters interact is a good thing, but all dialogue is... bad. You can "see" how characters are, by writing their actions. For example: Lizzie was stressed. Her hair was in a mess, sticking up every way. Her brown eyes filled with tears. Lizzie couldn't get her outfit right! The jeans wouldn't work well with the blue top...She needed to look excellent... Not the best example. However, it shows you that -without her screaming at her mother- she loves her clothes, and being perfect.
IDOTS,
Oh, it is spelled idiots.
Whoa, that's a lot of caps. I know the chief loves to yell, but that is to much. As I have said before, exclamation marks do fine. Also, if you want to emphasize, use italics. The caps are hurting my poor eyes.
Aw... Mike is so cute... (I wish I knew some boy like that.)
Keep on writing,
Raven,
Points: 0
Reviews: 324
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