OMG! I just found out, that another guy likes me too! His name is Jason, and I barely know him, but I don't even like him. I mean I do, but as a friend, not in that way. I mean I know I said the same thing about Jeff, but Jeff is different than Jason. Jason is a slob and he is a horrible army guy. I am really surprised he isn't dead.
Anyway, just today Jason came up to me and said...
"Hey I know this kind of weird, but I really like you and...
You get the point. So basically he was asking me out. I told him I would think about it, but I have, and I am going to tell him my answer.
I walked up to Jason and said...
"Hey you. Yeah that's right, I am talking to you Jason. Listen, I am not going out with you. I mean why would I..."
"But, but..."
"NO, buts with me. You will not go out with me, you will never talk to me, look at me. Nothing at me or with me. BESIDES FOR PITY SAKE I BARLEY KNOW YOU."
I started screaming at Jason when the army chief came in and yelled at me. He said...
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING YELLING AT THE OTHER SOLIDERS, YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT SOPPOSED TO BE DOING THAT, NOW GO BACK TO YOUR SPOT, AND STAY THERE UNTIL I SAY SWITCH POSITIONS, WITCH WON'T BE AWHILE FOR WHAT YOU DID."
"But, chief, I really didn't do anything bad. I mean sure I did..."
"NO EXCUESES, I SWARE ON EVERYONE'S LIFE THAT IF YOU YELL AT ANOTHER SOLIDER, WEATHER THAT IS JASON, OR SOMEONE ELSE, YOU WILL BE DEAD, WEATHER YOU ARE NOT ALREADY DEAD."
"Okay, chief. You have my word."
"GOOD. NOW GET BACK TO YOUR SPOT AND FIGHT BEFORE THE RETARDIED, STUPID, IDOTS, (THE GERMANS) DESTROY OUR CAMP, BASE, FOOD SUPLY, AND EVERYTHING ELSE, THAT INCLUDES THE SOLIDERS."
"Okay."
I ran back to my base, and kept my mouth shut when I was around chief. I was kind of scared of him to tell you the truth.
We finally changed positions, and it is now my turn to rest. Mike visited often, even though he got yelled at a lot. He said...
"It's worth getting yelled at for someone as pretty as you."
I was tired, said thank you to Mike and went to sleep dreaming one day that we would marry, and be happy forever.
End of chapter
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hello!
Raven here for a quick review!
Therese covered a lot of what I was going to say, but, I will give my two cents.
OMG, in the very beginning was a perfect place for description! You could have described how sloppy Jason was, with leaving guns out in the battle. Or how he never combed his hair. You can tell us so... much about your character with description too!
Somewhere near the beginning, you talk about Jason coming up to her, and telling your MC that he likes her. Then, your MC walks up to him. Did you mean for them to do that? The way I imagined it, is that she got in Jason's face. Was that the scene you were trying to pull off?
So... much... dialogue... Even though having your characters interact is a good thing, but all dialogue is... bad. You can "see" how characters are, by writing their actions. For example: Lizzie was stressed. Her hair was in a mess, sticking up every way. Her brown eyes filled with tears. Lizzie couldn't get her outfit right! The jeans wouldn't work well with the blue top...She needed to look excellent... Not the best example. However, it shows you that -without her screaming at her mother- she loves her clothes, and being perfect.
Spoiler
Oh, it is spelled idiots.
Whoa, that's a lot of caps. I know the chief loves to yell, but that is to much. As I have said before, exclamation marks do fine. Also, if you want to emphasize, use italics. The caps are hurting my poor eyes.
Aw... Mike is so cute... (I wish I knew some boy like that.)
Keep on writing,
Raven,
Hi Dogrule5! Cricket here for a review!!
(have I reviewed any of this before? I can't quite remember... I think I have!)
Anyways!, on to the review!!
Your character is sooooo having guy problems right now..NITPICKS!!!
Hmmm, this sees like wei[rd formatting with your dialogue. I'll just use one example for the entire piece. You're supposed to do it like this...
Just about like that!
Unnecessary comma.
I think you mean barely... XD
It should beSwear
Should be Retarded.
I think you mean "which".
Excuses
whether
Supposed
DESCRIPTION
Now I normally just give a link to people with this topic so here ya go!
Description
I always read through this one, before I post stuff just to make sure I got enough description in! So far my description has gotten a bit better, so I hope it helps!
Ohh, this was so sweet!
I wish a guy would say something like that to me!But anyway, with this I would just suggest putting more emotion into this part. Like more into her thoughts, and the like. Her thinking seems rather indirect at times, so I would try and make it seem more direct.
And here is the conclusion of my review!! I would suggest that you read through every now and then, as your style is awesome, but there's just a couple of typo's. So thanks for posting!! See ya!
No problem. And okay, I will find time to do that. Thanks.