It was now winter and the days were cold and long. I felt bad that Mike hasn't rested in days. I want to help him, but I know that our army chief would get really mad, and I would probably be dead. I know Mike wants to save his country, but he needs rest. I told him to get some rest and that I would cover for him, since the other man, Jeff, was back form break he could cover for me. So Mike went to go to sleep. He slept for quite a while, but then the army chief came up to me and yelled...
"WHERE IS MIKE, I TOLD HIM HE HAD TO STAY IN HIS SPOT ALL DAY. WHY ARE YOU IN HIS SPOT?"
I didn't want to tell the truth, I wanted to stretch the truth, but knowing my chief, I better just tell the truth, so I did. I said...
"Listen, we both admitted that he needed rest. So I thought since Jeff, just got done resting a few hours ago, he could take my spot, and I could take Mike's spot.
"WELL THAT IS NOT ALLOWED." My chief screamed at the top of his lungs. "NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO TRADE SPOTS, I WANT YOU BACK IN YOUR SPOT AND JEFF RESTING, AND I WANT MIKE UP. PRONTO. I ALSO MEAN RIGHT NOW."
"But chief, Mike needs rest, he hasn't rested for at least a week, and I..."
I didn't get to finish my sentence, because chief started screaming again. This time he screamed...
"I DON'T CARE IF MIKE HASN'T RESTED FOR DAYS. I WANT HIM UP AND READY TO ROLL. NOW.
He seemed mean and grumpy, so I said...
"Yes sir." And went to do what he asked me. I didn't want to get in trouble or die today. That was one thing that wasn't on my to-do list.
Anyway, I woke up Mike, and told him what happened. He said...
"I know what happened. All the chiefs screaming kind of woke me up."
"Yeah." I said. "I kind of figured it would, or did. Well I better go get Jeff and back to my post before the chief starts yelling at the top of his lungs at me again."
"Yeah. Well see you around."
"Bye."
I told Jeff what happened, and he replied...
"Oh my God. He is a horrible chief. He could have killed you, but lucky he didn't."
"yeah" I said. "It's a good thing he didn't. Well we better get back to our posts, because we don't want to be yelled at."
"Yeah, well see you around."
I know Mike likes me, and I like him, but I think Jeff likes me too. I mean I like Jeff just as a friend though, not in that way. Ugh, sometimes, I really hate boys, because some girls get stuck between two. She likes them both, but she can't decide witch one she likes better. Ugh, I am that girl right now. It really is a tough decision. I really like both boys, and I know I just said I didn't like Jeff, but I think I kind of do. Oh... Witch one should I choose.
End of chapter
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137,660 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Hi, I'm back online!!
I really enjoyed this chapter, but I just have a few nitpicks:
I know Mike wants to save his country, but he needs rest. I told him to get some rest and that I would cover for him, since the other man, Jeff, was back form break he could cover for me.
I think that maybe you could reduce the amount of the word "rest", it seems a little repetitive.
"Listen, we both admitted that he needed rest. So I thought since Jeff, just got done resting a few hours ago, he could take my spot, and I could take Mike's spot.
I noticed that you forgot to put the ending quotation marks, but it was probably just a typo.
"yeah" I said. "It's a good thing he didn't. Well we better get back to our posts, because we don't want to be yelled at."
I also saw that you didn't capitalize the "y", probably just another typo.
This has been a great beginning to this story! I really enjoy war stories because you just never see them around. I can't wait to read the next chapter.
See ya later!
**Jojoann1**
Hello!
Raven here to review!
I'm really liking this story! I love books about war. Your, poor, poor, MC. Dealing with all the boys, poor her...
Nitpicks!
My first complaint is all the dialogue. Your chapter is filled with it, making the read somewhat boring. Nothing really happened but yelling and talking. The word "said" was mentioned a lot. Said, makes your writing look choppy. Using it in a row makes your writing seem... jarred. Use action tags instead. Like this! "Hey," I looked down as his gaze fall on me.
"Where have you been?" he took a hand and lifted my cheek.
I took in a shaky breath, "I've been out... at the camp..."
You can write a whole conversation without using "said", "replied", "answered", or "asked". Just use how your MC looks in the moment!
My second complaint is the caps. Even though I often say it makes your writing look unprofessional, using it to much makes your writing look... comical. Is emphasizing stuff, use italics.
I guess I like to complain about dialogue... The talking seems unrealistic. I'm not really sure what to do about that, just pointing it out.
The "y" in "yeah" should be capitalized. After "yeah" there should be some sort of punctuation.
Just pointing it out, that would've been a great place for description!
Just telling you, even though you might have seen this down below in another review. You misspelled "chapter".
Like your story!
Raven,
Hi, dogsrule5. This is pinkie here for a review to help YWS. I hope you like this review and won't think I'm mean. Anyway, let's get started. *puts on funny glasses*
I agreed with Unique. This chapter is interesting. I love how you bring the characters to real life. They are very interesting to read about. However, the chapter have many errors including the title.
"The Battle. Chatper 3"
You misspelled Chapter wrong. Maybe you didn't tried to because I does that all the time. Hey, writers made mistakes all the time.
Also, you should give more descriptions into the paragraphs like Unique said. It will make the writing more interesting. (Sorry if I sound like a jerk.)
Well, I like this story. I like to read more from you. I hope the fourth chapter will be coming soon. Have a nice day!
Good job and Keep on writing!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
Don't worry, you don't sound like a jerk, I have had worse. Well thanks.
Hello! Unique here for a review!
To start off, I would like to say that I already liked it in the first paragraph... It was very interesting.
I just want to point out that most of your sentences start with the word "I". This makes it very bland. But that is an easy fix! All you have to do is reword your sentence and there you go!
The part where it says, "PRONTO. I ALSO MEAN RIGHT NOW." seems kind of repetitive. I would just say, "PRONTO." or "RIGHT NOW." That would help a bit.
Also, most of your sentences are compound and simple. If you want to spice up your writing, all you have to do is add some details and do a compound-complex sentence or even just some complex sentences.
One last thing is that you should put in like three to five descriptive paragraphs explaining something like the surroundings, the chief, Jeff, Mike, I dunno. It makes your writing more readable.
I really want to hear more! I want to see who she chooses she likes more, and I want to see in general where the story goes!
Keep on writing
~Uni
Okay. Thanks