Heya sugar, pretzelsing here for another review, I saw that this had only 5 reviews(and one of them was short and another one was from a newbie), so here I go.
Let's begin, shall we?
First of all, I was very surprised that the King called Obi at such an early hour. I was really wondering this: When did the king last talk with Obi?If it was sso long ago,(as I think I recall that you wrote that they lost contact) then why did he call him now?
At first he believed he had been woken by nightmares that were already fading and had already pulled the linen sheet covering him up and closed his eyes when he heard the knock on his door.
Why do you have two "and" in this sentence. I don't know why but it just doesn't seem right. What if you wrote:
"At first he believed he had been woken by nightmares that were already fading. He had already pulled the linen sheet covering him up and closed his eyes when he heard the knock on his door."
So then since I divided those sentences, only one "and" remains!
Perhaps the men like Lekan who had begun to mimic the native's dress were the smartest ofthem all. hHe pressed a stiff, hesitant kiss to her cheek,
A couple of things here(that I will try to show in the text above-it's the easiest to explain)Remember to put a comma between two adjectives that describe one thing(or the same thing).My English teacher gave me a great tip for the comma between two adjectives rule. If you can say and between the two adjectives,then put a comma there.Let me use your sentence as an example:
"He pressed and stiff and hesitant kiss" -That does make sense therefore it needs a comma
"She wore the whiteand abercrombie shirt"-That doesn't make sense therfore you wouldn't put a comma there.
Do you understand what I mean,sugar?
"Your... over... thing is undone, sir!"
Why are those two ellipsis in one sentence needed?Ellipsis or used when someone is trailing off or there are missing words directly in the dialogue. I don't think that either of these ellipsis are necessary here.
I didn't really understand what the big deal was and why you emphasized about the clothes that Obi was wearing. Whether you meant it or not, there was a lot of detail with the clothes.Go back in your writing and see how many times Conya mentions which clothes he should put on, and then he puts them on, and then he mentions the clothes again, and then the chauffeur tells him to tie his outer garments, and then he ties them. There was so much about the clothes that it was literally taking away from the content of the whole chapter,in my opinion.
At first he believed he had been woken by nightmares that were already fading
Nightmares actually don't exactly fade, sugar. You either remember them or you don't.
Because when you wake up, they just suddenly full-turn stop and go away. Do you see what I mean?Overall, I kind of feel like this is a filler chapter. How do I test filler chapters? Personally, here is my way. I see if I could write this whole chapter ^^-describe the main points and important things in one paragraph. Do you think that you could do that, sugar?Fillers have usually no important action, or suspense,etc.
Uhh, Obi and Conya relationship is kind of developing <33. When Obi says this:
"I don't know what I would do without you," Obi called as he hurried out the door. It wouldn't do to keep the king waiting.
I thought that the first sentence is something that you say to someone that is verrrrrry close to you,if you see what I mean. That's brings their relationship closer in my perspective. Also if you look at the second sentence I think that you could insert a word there to make it flow better: It wouldn't do good to keep the king waiting.
Another side note, in this whole chaapter, I think that it's grammatically correct that you capitalize the k in King, since this is the proper name of the kind and what you are reffering it too.
Anyways, that's it from me. If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me. I hope that this review helps and I truly encourage you to keep on writing!
) but it is. I think this might read better as "At first he believed it was the nightmares that woke him", to put the emphasis on nightmares rather than woke. *shrugs* I recognize that's an anal nitpick, so feel free to disregard if you disagree. 
Points: 37216
Reviews: 346
Donate