z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Lost Magic. Chapter 13. Last chapter. Series Finally!

by dogsrule5


I still can't believe that my friends totally blew me off, and started talking behind my back... This is no fair. I thought they were my best friends forever, but I guess not. I mean they probably never liked me anyway. They probably always pretended to like me.

Meanwhile...

"Somewhat are we going to do for a surprise birthday party for Mia?" Sarah said. "We need some good ideas. Anybody got an idea?'

"I don't have an idea." Grace said.

"I got it!" Sarah said with excitement.!

"What's your idea?" Grace asked.

"We will make her want to go home, but we will lock the exit so she can't and when she comes out of the cave, she won't know where to go. Then we will jump out surprise her, and put a blindfold on her eyes and take her our old camp, and the unicorns, Pegasus will all be there, and so will all the other creatures and fairy's that live in fantasy land."

"Awesome plan" Sari said. "I can't wait to pull it off."

"This is so exciting!" Grace said. "So uh... When exactly are we going to do this?"

"Tomorrow on her birthday... Duh, isn't that obvious?"

So Grace, Sari, Sarah and the other creatures started planning the surprise party for Mia tomorrow.

While they were planning the surprise party...

My friends are probably having lots of fun. I can't believe they would dump me. Tomorrow I am going to go home, it's my birthday and since, my friends don't like me anymore I might as well go home and spend my birthday with my parents, and relatives.

***

The next day Mia started leaving for home, Grace, and Sarah just got done locking the exit. Mia got passed the dragon, because the dragon, wasn't in the cave that guarded the exit. She tried to open the exit door, but it wouldn't open. She knew her friends were up to something.

I had to figure out what they were doing. I stepped out of the cave then my friends jumped out surprised me and said happy birthday. Then they put a blindfold over my eyes and said we have a surprise for you. They were holding on to me. Once we got back to the came, the creatures were there. Grace was hiding marshmallows, Hershey bars, and gram crackers. We had smores. it was really fun, and I couldn't stop thanking them for the party. I guess they really do care. I relized that I have what I need. I have food, water, shelter, and most important. My best friends. They weren't talking behind my back, they were just planning a birthday party like best friends do. They are the best friends a girl could have! I never should have doubted them. They are my best friends. And nothing can change that!

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324 Reviews

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Reviews: 324

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Sun Jun 29, 2014 2:41 pm
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Evander wrote a review...



Hello!

Raven here for a review!

Congratulations on finishing your excellent novel! I didn't realize that 'till now. Aw... the ending was so good! I did not expect that, I thought something really, really, bad was going to happen from the way the story was set up. The best friends setting up a party was so cute! I wish I had friends like that...

Nitpicks!

This is no fair.

"This is no fair," is excellent to use in dialogue. However, I think you mean "This is not fair."

In the only bit of dialogue the word "said" is used a lot. In fact, it was used six times. 'Said' is one of those words you want to use seldom. Using it to much makes the writing seem odd, or forced.

And nothing can change that!

Perfect ending, I love it. Just one problem. It is grammatically incorrect to start a sentence with "and" or "but". If you take away the "and" the sentence would be just fine!

Once we got back to the came,

I think you mean "camp" ;)

So, I guess the moral of the story was "Best friends are all you need." I like that. It makes the reader feel happy.

I just wish you had described the ending, it would've been awesome to "see", "taste" and "touch" the s'mores.

Oh, Mia, you should never doubt your friends. ;)

Keep on writing,

Raven,




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232 Reviews

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Reviews: 232

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Sun Jun 08, 2014 3:59 pm
WillowPaw1 wrote a review...



Hi, there! Congrats on ending your novel! Gosh, how much I am jealous. I am never able to finish a novel. :P

First off, I'll do a couple nitpicks.

"I got it!" Sarah said with excitement.!


At the end of "excitement", you only need a period, not an exclamation point. The excitement is already expressed in the dialogue.

Mia got passed the dragon, because the dragon, wasn't in the cave that guarded the exit.


This sentence doesn't make much sense.

I relized that I have what I need.


*realized

All right, now for the actual writing in the review!

So, something that I thought was extremely odd was the birthday situation. It didn't mention her birthday at all in the previous chapters. I would suggest adding to to one of the ones before it, because this just seems so sudden and out of place.

In the last two paragraphs, you switched between perspectives. I saw you doing this previously, but you had breaks in between all of the paragraphs that switched, but these last two don't have breaks.

You could put the asterisks (which are the little stars:***) between them if you'd like, I don't know. Just some signal that there is a change.


Okay, now for the positive part of the review!

I liked the ending of this. Although it seemed a little cliché, the last couple of sentences were great. The "And nothing can change that!" part really had a strong affect to it.

"Tomorrow on her birthday... Duh, isn't that obvious?"

I was so happy when I read this! The Duh, isn't that obvious? Part really made this dialogue sound realistic. Your past dialogues weren't as realistic and strong as this. I'm glad you did this! :) Great job.

Hope this helps, and congratulations on completing this! Tell me if you start a new story!

WillowPaw1~




dogsrule5 says...


Okay, I am going to start a new story, but I don't know what about, or what it is going to be like. I have no idea! I am still thinking of ideas, I will come up with something sooner or later! Well talk to you later...



WillowPaw1 says...


You should do realistic fic! It's my favorite! :)



dogsrule5 says...


I will think about it. I think I know what I am going to do for my idea, but I don't know.




This is a message to all you out there. You don't have to be the fastest writer. You don't have to write 2000 words in one sitting. But if you put your mind to it and really love your project, you can and will get further along than you ever thought possible.
— FireEyes