z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Lost Magic. Chapter 12.

by dogsrule5


Even though my friends knew about getting passed the dragon to get out of fantasy land, they didn't seemed thrilled about doing it, even though they knew we were going to have an awesome plan. The next day I told them about a plan I got figured out. They were just lying around doing nothing, so I knew it was probably a good time to tell them the plan considering the fact that they were sitting around doing nothing.

Sari wasn't that sad about Arianna anymore, but she wasn't really herself today, like the others, Sari was lying around doing nothing.

I told them that I had a good plan, but they said...

"Sure you do."

After they said that they walked away, like they were mad at me or something. Sarah was the only one that didn't leave. I said...

"Why does everyone else seem or angry at me? What did I ever do to them?"

"They are mad at you." Sarah said.

"Why?"

"Because, they all agree that being in fantasy land for so long has kind of got them wanting to stay here for the rest of their lives."

"You mean, they don't want to go home, and see their families?"

"I guess not."

"Do you want to go home Sarah?"

"Not really. I mean I like home, but this is a much better place. You can go home though, but the others and I don't want to. Even though we want you to stay with us, we are not going to stop you from going home. So go home if you want to."

I thought about this a lot, and it kind of hurt my feelings. It hurt because after all we've been through they always complained about going home, and all of a sudden they don't want to. Just yesterday they were saying, when are we going to get out of here, then when I told them how we could get out, they didn't want to go home. Something is going on around here. I am going to find out what.

I can't believe they would do that to me. After all we've been through this is how they want to end it. Fine by me. I have plenty of other friends. Not friends like them, but still other friends that would die to have me around every day.

About a day later I found my other friends, at the other end of fantasy land, setting up a new camp. I didn't bother coming in, even though I really wanted too. I know my friends want me to stay in fantasy land with them, but what about my family. They would miss me terribly, like they already do. I know they do, and being trapped in here makes them very worried. I know this because I spent a night at a hotel with my friend Olivia once, but I forgot to tell my parents, so they were worried sick all night. The next morning they called my cell phone. I got grounded for not telling them the truth, but oh well. I guess I can't blame them. I mean I would be worried sick if I were my parents. Anyway, my friends were talking about someone. Then I figured out who they were talking about. Me. They were talking about me. I can't believe it after all we've been through, they are talking behind my back. I didn't want to know what they were talking about, because I already knew it was something bad about me. I didn't know what to do. So I just started crying.


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Fri Jun 06, 2014 12:50 am
WillowPaw1 wrote a review...



Hi!

They were just lying around doing nothing, so I knew it was probably a good time to tell them the plan considering the fact that they were sitting around doing nothing.


Okay: major repetition. "Doing nothing" should not and does not need to be repeated. First, it just sounds a whole lot better if you don't repeat things like that, and two, it makes it seem so unoriginal. Try and create a different phrase/word for this.

-

I pointed this out earlier, but I'm going to say it again: capitalize "Fantasy Land". This is another big problem you have, and it gets on people's nerves when you don't capitalize proper nouns.

I didn't want to know what they were talking about, because I already knew it was something bad about me.


*clears throat and puts the word hate out of mind* Okay, I absolutely despise when people write something like that. Half of that despise goes to my natural curiousity and wanting to know everything about it, and half of it goes to the actual writing. I would suggest to actually have Mia listen to them, unless it will uncover later in the story.
In my head, I start screaming at characters for not listening to people. Y'know? So maybe include just a little words, and then Mia decides not to listen anymore and walks away. OR: maybe it's just because I want to know what they're talking about . :P

After they said that they walked away, like they were mad at me or something.


In all the context around this and everything, it says "others", which in m mind makes me think of four or five. Soo, isn't there only Sarah, Sari, and Grace? So I wouldn't connect "others" to "Grace and Sari" (they were the only ones that had walked away).

Maybe I just sound a bit ramble-y in this chapter, but anyways--hope it helps!

WillowPaw1~




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Thu Jun 05, 2014 2:32 pm
r4p17 wrote a review...



First off I must say that this is a pretty short work; therefore you should probably try to add something to it to make it longer. But that is somewhat imeterial.

The main thing I am concerned with is your writing style pretty much everything that you wrote is telling the reader what happene not showing it. Some younger and less experienced writers often have this problem. Since I don't know how old you are or how long you've been writing I can't necessarily judge you on that but I see that this is a major area that needs improvement. Saying something happened isn't very interesting compared to showing how this thing happened. For instance instead of saying you told your friends you had an idea say: "Listen friends. I have an idea of how we can kill the dragon and get out of fantasy world." I also think that you need to give the dragon and the world a name.

I hope this review helps you develop your writing skills and revise your chapter. And try not to become discouraged when you get bad reviews. Try to learn from them.




dogsrule5 says...


I hope you have been reading the other chapters because it's called fantasy land. Don't judge that it's called fantasy land. I like that. One I will see what I can do, but most people don't comment on how long it is on the chapters.



r4p17 says...


I was just suggest that you give it a more original name. But if you want to you can keep that. But you should capitalize the name because it is a proper noun by the way



CesareBorgia says...


I actually like the name, and the chapter length is fine for a new writer.



dogsrule5 says...


I agree with you CesareBorgia




HONK
— The Golden Goose