Arianna had became very sick from not finding food, and we were trying our best to take care of her, but nothing was working. We tried everything, but nothing worked. We were getting even more worried than we already were. She was about to die, but hadn't yet.
***
The next day, after a long night, we tried to wake up Arianna, but she wouldn't awaken. We tried to awake her by splashing water on her face, and everything, I mean we tried everything to wake her up, but she wouldn't so we all knew that her time had come, and that she had passed away last night. I started bawling, and so did the others, even Sari cried because her and Arianna, were just starting to become very good friends. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't talk, I was speechless.
After a while had passed, we decided to go look for some food. It was getting kind of late and we hadn't eaten anything for dinner yet. We were all to sad to have lunch either. So we were starving!
We found some fish at the river, and had that for dinner. After dinner we decided to go to bed, because we were all super tried after all that happened today.
In the middle of the night I woke up. I couldn't fall back to sleep, so I decided to take a trip to the river to take a little swim. The next thing I knew was that it was morning and I was waking up on the riverbank after a long night of swimming. I realized that today was going to be a long day for all of us. I tried to get up, but I was too tired. I finally got up after what seemed like an hour and went back to camp. Luckily everyone was still asleep, because I didn't want to wake the others or have them worry about me. I never like it when people worry, but I am glad I have friends that would worry, if I went missing. I love my friends!
End of chapter
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hi again! Okay, I feel like I've been kinda harsh in my previous reviews, this one's ganna be a little nicer, but that's also because I think this is one of your best chapters yet. Yeah, sure, it doesn't have the most drama and action, but the writing was the best. You added so much more description, and you've expanded on the ideas more, instead of just saying, "So Arianna died and we went fishing then we went to sleep." This is just filled with so much more detail!
The only thing I thought was a little brief was this:
How did they catch them? With their hands, a net, a rock, what?
Besides that, everything to do with explaining and describing seemed pretty good.
I also agree with Em here. The ending of this was just so smooth! It didn't give you a "OMG WHATS GONNA HAPPEN NEXT" sorta feeling, but it didn't give a "This is sooo boring, I don't wanna read no more," INSTEAD, it gave you a "Wow, this is great! Can't wait for the next chapter!" Like, it's not too suspenseful, but not too boring. It's right in the middle. Which is really good sometimes, because you don't want a cliffhanger after every single chapter.
Great job, and I hope this helps!
WillowPaw1~
Thank you. Also in your other reviews your not being harsh you just want me to learn which I think is a good thing so don't change yourself. I like you for the way you are. I think you would make a really great teacher when you get older!!!
Aw thanks! Glad you think I'm helping you learn! ^.^ I was actually considerin being a teacher and part-time writer. Hmm...
Cool!!! I was thinking about either being a vet, teacher, or author.
That's awesome. I at least want to be a part-time writer... Writing is my most favorite thing ever <3
I love to write. I love writing scary stories. I love too because every year I go up to my Aunt's cabin in Pensavanila and we sit around the fire and tell scary stories. One day they told me to write my own so I did and they loved them. I cant wait until they read the ones this year!!!
Hi, it's me! I'm here to review!
So I'll start with the nitpicks, which there are very few of.
'Tried' should be 'tired,' but don't worry, I do that all the time and so does everybody.
That's all the mistakes I found - and it was only one! You're doing better and better and better each time you write, and I love reading your stories!
Since I only found one error, I'll point out the things I loved most. I loved all of it, but I just want to show you what parts really got me smiling.
First of all, the ending!!! "I love my friends!" is a perfect way to end on a happy note in a story! I think it may have just been me and my crazy brain, but I detected some foreshadowing. In case you don't know or forgot what foreshadowing is, it's when an author hints something in the writing that kind of gives you a clue of what might happen later in the story. It's a long shot that you were ACTUALLY trying to foreshadow something, but I think you could have been thinking that something might happen to her friends and the "I love my friends" part is foreshadowing how she might feel after something bad happens to her friends. If you weren't actually thinking that would happen later on in the other chapters, think of it as a little idea from me
I also love this part:
I don't know if it was the amazing vocabulary you used, or the feeling you put into there. My heart broke as I read the words "her time had come" and "passed away". I love the way you tell the readers about her time coming gently and sorrowfully, putting them in the right mood immediately. And the speechless part was so right for the moment. I would not know what to say either if someone I know and was friends with - especially someone magical like Fantasy Land's creatures - parted and passed away. Throughout the story this happens as well, not just in this part - the good feeling thing. The way you captivated the readers and made them catch themselves feeling a certain way in this chapter and other chapters is great.
Keep up the great writing! You always keep improving!
~Em101cats~
Thx! Your Awesome!