z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Lost Magic. Chapter 7

by dogsrule5


Sarah and I thought Grace wouldn't come looking for us, but I guess we were wrong. We still can't find Arianna. After Sarah started talking about Arianna, and how we couldn't find her. We asked Sari if she had seen Arianna around. Sari said she didn't. We didn't know were to look for her. We were all thinking when Grace started asking questions like...

"Who is Arianna?"

"Who is Sari?"

"Why is this place called Fantasy land?"

"Why are you guys here?"

"Why have you guys been here for weeks?"

That went on for a long time, which seemed like forever. Blah, blah, blah. After we got finished explaining everything, we finally set out to look for Arianna, but right when we exited the forest, Grace started talking about how hungry she was. It was really annoying. I finally said...

"We will all get some food after we find Arianna."

"But I'm hungry now." Grace complained which went on forever.

"Grace, we can't eat until we find our friend Arianna, and your going to have to deal with that." Sarah said.

"Fine." Grace said. "I will find food on my own."

She stormed off into the forest. We needed to find Arianna, so at that point we really didn't care. I think we were all relieved to finally get a break from all that complaining coming from Grace. After searching for hours, we decided we better head back to camp and have a bite to eat, and maybe take a nap. It was only five o-clock when we got back to the camp. We found some berries. Grace stopped complaining and I think we were all relived when she did. After we ate, we took a nap. After our nap we went and started searching for Arianna again. This time we found her, but by the time we did it was almost ten o-clock.

We told Arianna how worried we were about her. She said she left because food was scarce where she lived in the desert. She used to be full of food until all of the other lizards took it all. She was as skinny as a bed rail. We were all worried about her, so we took her back to our camp and fed her some berries. Unfortunately she doesn't like berries, and we had nothing else to feed her. I was the most worried of all of us. I thought Arianna might pass away, but I still had hope.

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324 Reviews

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Sun May 25, 2014 1:25 pm
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Evander wrote a review...



Hello,

Raven here for a review!

Now, this seems a little... dry.

As I say every review, you need more descriptions. Descriptions make it so the reader can see what is going on, so they can smell, taste, and touch. You are getting better, but it is hard to read.

And as WillowPaw1 said, they can't just live off berries. Unless, they are magic berries. Maybe magic berries would have enough nutrients for them to survive. Then you have the problem of Arianna not wanting to eat the berries. Maybe they can find a magical plant that has something Arianna can eat.

And, have you thought of spicing up your vocabulary? Just a thought. Because right now, (as Willow said) it's getting rather... dull.

Is Grace showing her true colours once again? Storming off into the forest, trying to find food. Will we find her chapters later, just wanting a bit to eat?

Also, are you going for a "kill everyone" sort of book. Because you are setting them up to fail. Arianna being thin and frail, Grace acting like a brat, and Mia not really caring about Grace for the time being.

Are all you characters going to die?

Can't wait for the next chapter!

Raven,




dogsrule5 says...


Okay. Thank you.



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232 Reviews

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Reviews: 232

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Sat May 24, 2014 5:46 pm
WillowPaw1 wrote a review...



Hi there!

I'm not going to point out nitpicks. You should be able to find them on your own by now.

Anyways...

So... They eat berries. They're gonna die if they just eat berries. You need water, protein, calcium, etc etc. I mean, you should include meat in here. Maybe someone can climb a tree and get birds' eggs? Your characters are just going to die. You need to make it realistic.
I know they said they'll get food after they found Arianna, but still. Besides, they just did nothing when they found out Arianna didn't like berries? There is a whole piece missing with this food idea.

I think you should vary your sentences more. It's getting rather boring seeing Sarah this Grace that and we, she, they. Ugh! It makes me lose track in the story when I read stuff that just start with a pronoun.

Sarah and I thought Grace wouldn't come looking for us, but I guess we were wrong.


No reaction? What about a, "We were so surprised to see Grace!"

Also, this needs emotion. Where are the hearts beating, ears ringing, headaches, hearts filled with joy, happiness, etc ect. I mean, you have feelings placed in here, but you didn't make them strong. Strong.

I hope this helps.

WillowPaw1~





There's a Brazilian things you could write about. You just gotta pick Juan.
— Hattable