z

Young Writers Society


12+ Mature Content

The Veil - Chapter 8

by megsug


She had been waiting for a while, still and quiet, watching people come and go. They seemed to overlook her which was fine. One yappy dog must not have liked her perfume, and the snooty owner sneered at her.

She considered kicking the dog, but it wasn't worth it.

Mostly she tilted her head up and allowed the sun to paint her eyelids red as her mind digested the message at the temple. The teacher had changed, and she was considering making her visits regular again. Her eyes barely fluttered open in time, and she ground out, "Don't look at me." She thought her voice sounded even, hoped it did.

Lekan, barely visible in her peripheral vision, stiffened for a moment before continuing his loose walk and waving. She didn't think he was waving to anyone in particular- surely he wouldn't be stupid enough to draw someone's attention this way- but a casual observer wouldn't know the difference, and Qui'in knew that the world was made up of casual observers. She was impressed.

Taking out some embroidery, she set to work, the needle flashing with the speed of talent and practice. She should have taken it out ages ago to be less noticeable, but she detested sewing, was only using it as a ruse. "Sit down," she said to her sampler, humming as she worked. "Not to close and not too far."

He sat and when their eyes met he nodded with the coolness of a stranger.

Very impressed.

"I will be leaving in five minutes. You will leave fifteen minutes after that. Look disappointed as if someone has failed to meet you."

She yelped and shook her hand, sucking her finger and mumbling sheepishly around it, "And, gods, don't follow me. I know you well enough to know you're not an idiot."

He blinked slowly, obviously trying not to look at her. "You don't know me at all."

"Relax, darling. I can tell you're hiding something. You'll call attention to us if you're not careful with a posture like that."

He slowly eased his shoulders into a customary slouch and leaned his head back, closing his eyes against the sun as the hot breeze ran fingers through her hair like she would be doing after this charade ended soon enough. He smiled at the thought.

"You're a bad kid," she murmured, her voice a knowing smoky rasp that had his eyes fluttering open, but she was already walking away.

Emphasis on kid. He grimaced as he wondered why she had even given him attention in the first place. She was so beautiful. He allowed himself a nonchalant glance at her swaying behind, just now realizing he hadn't asked her where he was to meet her. He stood up abruptly, not thinking about how it would draw attention until a round man sweating in his many layers raised an eyebrow. Lekan nodded at him and slowly made his way deeper into the park. Some miracle of plumbing had allowed squat leafy trees to take root where it had been barren before to create a relatively cool spot for idle debutantes.

He'd taken the style the newest generation of the entitled had embraced with a vigor, abandoning his vest, jacket, and tie for a loose cotton shirt that breathed when the wind blew his way. Of course, it was embroidered lavishly in a dark red thread, telling some folktale he had forgotten.

The older generations didn't pretend to understand, and he was sure the sweating pig behind him was judging him for his wardrobe choice, but at least he was cooler. He wondered if Qui'in in her veils thought that his shirt was inappropriate for public wear. She was technically a commoner- though no one would say so if they were asked- and this was a commoner's style. He looked back, wondering how long it had been. She didn't dress like a commoner though. He felt a sweat break out, dampening his skin, suddenly feeling very silly. He had dressed well for the jazz club. What kind of message was he sending, wearing nothing but a commoner's cotton shirt for her? She could have very well left him on purpose.

He wouldn't blame her… much.

When he was sure it had to have been fifteen minutes, he turned around, and taking a long convoluted way that made sure he wouldn't pass by the old noble again, he left the park, looking up and down the busy street. White marble and dark metal baked in the sun. The honk of a car echoed off the buildings across the street every few moments. He'd just taken in a hot lungful of air to sigh when he caught a glimpse of white in the mouth of one of the alleys. He knew better than to be sure it was her, but there was no harm in checking.

Keeping in mind her wish for subtleness, he jogged directly across the street and entered the shadow of the buildings. It was clean when he first entered the alley, but he was quickly introduced to the squalid underworld that resided behind the pretty faces of upscale homes. A catacomb of cramped streets hid behind and all kinds of illegal things hid within. He methodically made his way up, having an idea of where she would be waiting. He pretended not to recognize a dealer he went to when a party needed something a little extra to really be enjoyable and stayed aware of his pockets. He knew exactly what he looked like: a rich boy, an easy target.

He wouldn't admit to the relief he felt ease around his stomach as he reached the clean walls again. He was even able to smile when he saw her.

He'd hoped to sneak up on her, but she turned around and approval shone in her eyes which made him feel four years older than he was which, he supposed, wasn't truly what he should be hoping for, but normally he felt ten years younger, so it was a definite improvement. Maybe someday he would feel his own age around her. He realized she was talking to him and didn't know what to do with the loopy grin pasted on his face.

"…a little faster next time." She looped her arm through his with a small smile and said demurely, her eyes glittering through her lashes, "I won't repeat what I said just because you weren't listening. Think of it as a punishment." She waved her free hand playfully, her bag swinging at her elbow. "Or a lesson."

His mouth was open as he tried to think of something to say. Instead, he just nodded when she raised an eyebrow.

"Close your mouth, darling. You can't let a woman know you're behind her. Make her think you've got her number instead."

He grinned. "Can I have yours?" He glanced up as she led him back into the slums, obviously worried.

"Don't show fear either. That's not very appealing, do you think?" She laughed at his blush which would have been charming if he was allowed to just be a boy and didn't need to grow up fast. "We'll have to work on the blush too. That one's harder to hide."

He shook his head, stuck between adoration and irritation.

"How old are you, baby?" she asked softly, her husky voice stirring him out of what had been dangerously close to a childish sulk.

Looking at her, he frowned. "Twenty-six. Why?"

Her veil hid her surprise, and she was glad not so much because she didn't want him to know she was surprised but that she knew it would hurt his feelings.

Not that she was worried about hurting his feelings.

"I was worried you were younger," she said honestly, leaning against him.

He drew back, obviously offended. "I can't believe-"

"Are you telling me you act twenty-six?" she asked, honestly curious to see if he thought himself as mature.

He blinked rapidly several times, swallowing, obviously irritated and off balance. She was impressed that his arm never stiffened or contracted around hers. "Yes! I do. I like to have fun. Is that such a crime?"

She smiled and was safe in the knowledge that he would only be able to see the fuzzy curve of her lips, not the pity in her eyes. "Yes, baby, it is."

He scoffed, shaking his head, his arm still around hers, completely relaxed. "You are not my mother."

Sighing, she patted his arm and led him up to the safety of high class streets again.

“I know you’ll start thinking I’m leading you on, but I want you to come meet me tomorrow.”

Frowning, he gently lowered his arm so that he wasn’t touching her anymore. “Are you serinople right now?” He crossed his arms and leaned back, the tension in his face giving him away.

She nodded slowly. “I’m giving myself to you, but every man has to earn it.”

Scoffing, he turned away, slipping his hands in his pockets. “That’s not giving it to me.”

She laughed and continued to laugh when his back stiffened. “Are you implying that I should?” She knew her voice held a sharp note that broke the seductive husk she tried to keep as a mask at all times, and she did it on purpose. Disdain and contempt would kick Lekan into acting right when offering herself as a reward had worn out.

“Where should I meet you tomorrow?” he ground out. “And am I still being subtle?”

“Always be subtle.” She let her voice drop back down into the habitual whisper. “And I’ll find you.” She walked up to him, running a hand over his tense shoulders and feeling them tremble beneath her touch like a jumpy horse’s would. As he relaxed a bit, she pressed a kiss to his jaw, smiling at the sound of a ragged inhale. “Don’t worry about it.” She didn’t turn back to see him look after her as she sauntered away. She just knew he did.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
935 Reviews


Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

Donate
Thu Dec 25, 2014 3:30 am
View Likes
Shady wrote a review...



Yo Egs!

Getting tired of me yet? I'm definitely not tired of your story, yet, so I'm here again with another review. Deal with it. ;)

"Not too close and not too far."
~ Ahah, typo! You have no idea how happy this made me to spot. I found something I can actually complain at you for. Yay! It's a blow to my pride, actually praising a story without finding things to make snarky comments about. It's a good thing, but still.

He grinned. "Can I have yours?"
~ Hahah, he is so adorkable. This is such a bad pickup line it made me grin at his dopiness. It's awesome. Keep it up.

She was impressed that his arm never stiffened or contracted around hers.
~ Just something I've noticed, reading through several chapters in a short period of time-- she uses the word "impressed" a lot in reference to him, especially in this chapter. Every time he actually doesn't mess up, she's "impressed".
~ ~ ~

Okay! I looked at this again, and it turned out that I was much more than half way through the review-- so I guess I'll go ahead and be kind and give this to you. I mean, I could be like Qui and lord it over you-- but I won't. ;) *is still feeling bad for poor Lekan*

I really like the interaction, though. Well done, as usual. c:

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




User avatar
1417 Reviews


Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417

Donate
Sun Jul 27, 2014 10:03 pm
View Likes
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!

You've done a great job writing Qui'in. She's such a curious character, one how is so sly and cautious at the same time. She always gets what she wants and she always has a good hold on the situation. I find it amazing that she knows so much and can manipulate any situation like that. It's all quite interesting.

I think it's really interesting that we're trying to find out Qui'in's intentions just as much as Lekan is. Sure we know that Obi ordered her to help his nephew become a good spy, but that's all we know. The way Qui'in is acting is awful curious. I'm left wondering if he actually like him or if she was just leading him on to get him to trust her. Actually, there are times that I have to remind myself of what Obi asked her to do. And that's what I like. You make it so mysterious, yet so obvious at the same time. I love it.

There really isn't anything else to say. I always find that when I'm reviewing novels, my reviews keep getting shorter as I go on. Mainly because I've mentioned almost everything in previous reviews. But I think in the next chapter or so I'll start talking about the novel as a whole rather than just reviewing chapter by chapter. I like to save that until I'm far enough into a novel that there'll be enough to say about it. So, yeah, just wanted to let you know that.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




User avatar
1634 Reviews


Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Fri Jun 27, 2014 5:22 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Heya Megsug!

As always, this is a brilliant chapter. There is next to nothing for me to comment on xD You can see Lekan getting his lessons, and the way Qui is toying with him a bit, but essentially impressed with the little discreetness he has managed to show. I really love Qui as a character <3 She's so observant and knows how to manipulate someone. It's almost funny xD

One thing I would like to see more of is Lekan's thoughts. You do a pretty good job of this, but towards the end more so. When Qui is toying with him, or getting him to agree to meet again the next day. I know he is skeptical as to her reasons, but show us a bit more of his thoughts. Does he even for a second think she is leading him on? Or using him for something? I am curious if he is blindly following her, or questioning her motives a little bit...

She thought her voice sounded even, hoped it did.


I noticed you do this twice in this chapter. You've started to use commas as substitutes for other words that need to be there for the sentence to make sense. In this case, after the comma we're missing the words 'at least she'.

but she detested sewing, was only using it as a ruse.


This is the same problem as I mentioned above ^.^ You really need the word 'and' after that comma, to connect the two sentences.

He'd hoped to sneak up on her, but she turned around and approval shone in her eyes which made him feel four years older than he was which, he supposed, wasn't truly what he should be hoping for, but normally he felt ten years younger, so it was a definite improvement.


Phew, what a long sentence! How about splitting it up a bit so it isn't such a mouthful? How about a full stop after the 'four years older than he was.' I would suggest you rearrange the beginning of the next line, so it reads as 'He supposed it wasn't truly what he should be hoping for...' etc. :) That way we cut a few unnecessary words and also commas that we would be better off without.

Her veil hid her surprise, and she was glad not so much because she didn't want him to know she was surprised but that she knew it would hurt his feelings.


You need a comma after the words 'glad' and another before the words 'but that she knew it would hurt him'.

Your setting description in here was lovely as well <3 Especially when they were hanging out in the park. I loved it. The whole painting her eyelids red and all ^^

Ooh, you mention that in the dodgy alleys, people see Lekan as a rich kid and an easy target. My question is this: does he see himself as an easy target or not? Does he think he is tougher than he really is?

Off to read the next chapter! :D

Deanie x




User avatar
39 Reviews


Points: 283
Reviews: 39

Donate
Sun May 25, 2014 11:56 pm
Jared wrote a review...



Alright. This is likely my last review on Review Day. I'm going to make it good.

First, nitpicks.

They seemed to overlook her [,] which was fine.

See comma.

Mostly [,] she tilted her head up and allowed the sun to paint her eyelids red [,] as her mind digested the message at the temple.

This is a run-on sentence. Add the commas in the brackets.

Her eyes barely fluttered open in time, and she ground out, "Don't look at me."

Ground out?

Taking out some embroidery, she set to work, the needle flashing with the speed of talent and practice.

Perhaps you could replace [set] with [went]? It would sound more proper.

That's the end of my particular nitpicks. In general, you should work on the flow of the reading. The bulkiness of your sentences sometimes affects how the story flows, which in turn can trip up the reader.

Praise and Analysis
You did a great many things well. You have weaved an interesting plot to follow, and you have well-formed writing to back it up.




User avatar
31 Reviews


Points: 3508
Reviews: 31

Donate
Sun May 25, 2014 11:55 pm
asadderandawiserman wrote a review...



I haven't read any of the other chapters yet, but review day is rapidly drawing to a close, so I decided to dispense with the silly tradition of starting at the start. I think it's a testament to your writing that I got a sense of the characters so quickly, despite the fact it was never meant to be read in this way,

I was a bit confused around the middle, as we shifted from being mainly inside Qui'in's head to being mainly inside Lekan's, but it was clear that this was deliberate, and it was pulled off quite well. It was almost as if we were coming from the point of view of the bench.

I quite enjoyed that I didn't know what either character was trying to achieve, but I felt a strong sense of their determination.

The dialogue, on the whole, also felt very natural, although I think you could have phrased 'I'm giving myself to you, but every man has to earn it,' better. That line just didn't sit right with me.

I'm sorry I couldn't give this a better review at the moment, but I'll try to read the other parts and get back to this one with more backstory. It will be interesting to see how much I misinterpreted. Nonetheless, I enjoyed reading this. Thanks very much for writing it!




User avatar
301 Reviews


Points: 20262
Reviews: 301

Donate
Sun May 25, 2014 1:43 pm
Snowery wrote a review...



Megsug! You'll never be rid of me! Muahaha!

So one of the things I've noticed which is a recurring problem in the novel is an over wordiness in your sentences. This tends to affect flow and disrupts the reading. I often stumble upon the words slightly a few times in order to get the rhythm right. I thought I'd pick a fone from this chapter and work on making it smoother. Or at least try. :)

He'd taken the style the newest generation of the entitled had embraced with a vigor, abandoning his vest, jacket, and tie for a loose cotton shirt that breathed when the wind blew his way.


This one took me about three reads to fully understand. I'm just going to attempt to reconstruct it for you.

He had embraced the style of the entitled 's newest generation with a vigor, abandoning his vest, jacket, and tie for a loose cotton shirt that breathed when the wind blew his way.

I hope that it seems to flow much smoother now, I know it wasn't a great example but I tried.

There are more of these if you search for them and on your edit it would be good to get them ironed out.

So onto other things:

This was an interesting chapter in terms of point of view. It doesn't seem to stick to one person. Even though we start the chapter with Qui, it quickly switches too Lekan for most of the time before sort of switching back to Qui. I don't think that it's a bad thing seeing as we get a more rounded picture of the overall scene, however I do prefer singular pov per scene mainly because we get into their head space a lot more. Also seeing as we haven't had a Lekan point of view for quite a while it would have been nice to really get to know him better here or in another chapter.

One more thing I want to mention. I love what you're doing with the veil. The one over Lekan's eyes, if that's what the title is referring to then I think it's absolutely brilliant. Such great use of symbolism. The veil in front of Lekan stops him from seeing what Qui is really doing. Actually I think the veil is just in front of Qui but Lekan just can't see past it. It hides her true intent in more ways than one. Brilliant stuff. Keep it up and happy writing! :) :)

Silverlock





Remember when dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and your mom was your hero? Race issues were about who ran the fastest, war was only a car game. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and good byes only meant tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up.
— Unknown