Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Qui’in walked most of the time. Cars made her nervous. They were too big, too fast, and too loud for her. Not to mention, they took the joy out of getting places. In a car, you couldn’t watch people, not to mention meet them. In a car, you couldn’t enjoy the cool twilight breeze. No, it was morphed into an unseemly roar. She lifted her face to the breeze that dried some of the sweat beading on the back of her neck. She didn’t mind the billowing of her veil as it caught the wind.
She didn’t like how cars were firmly in the rare grey area between public and private areas. So many of her sisters of profession had been found and arrested in cars. She glared at one of the vehicles as they passed. Why anyone would want to take advantage of a prostitute’s services in a car, she would never understand. Men came to her to be coddled and adored. There was no room for finesse in a car. It would always be quick and cramped and uncomfortable. It took the art out of it.
She wrinkled her nose and wondered if cars smelled as bad on the inside as they made the outside smell.
She saw one of her sisters leaning against a wall, a black trench cloak covering the flashy, risqué dress beneath. Qui realized she had picked it out for her as she watched the dance fallen ladies did with possible customers.
The quick sparkle in the dying sun was all Qui saw as the woman talked easily with the young man as if she hadn’t just made an advertisement. He was cocky, invading the girl’s space with a confident step forward. She held her own though, running a finger down his neck and over one shoulder.
As Qui passed the pair, she was shocked to recognize the Eshe boy Kamaria had complained about intermittently through her entire visit. She glanced back before turning a corner to see them strolling to a car and scoffed.
The follies of the young.
She jumped as she ran into someone and turned her startled gaze up. “Excuse me.” She studied the serious expression of the man she’d run into and heard her voice drop into the seductive tone she saved for perspective customers. “Should look where I’m going. Silly me.”
His eyes were a strange grey that spooked her despite the fog the veil dropped before her eyes, and her gut pinned him for a government man, even a peacekeeper, before he’d had a chance to speak.
“No. I should have seen you coming. I was watching…” He stopped as a car passed, his nose flaring and his lips flattening as his eyes followed it. When his gaze returned to her, he gifted her with a smile that made the planes of his face much less severe. “Actually, I need to talk to you.”
She raised an eyebrow that she knew he could see move through the veil. “You do now?” She felt the knot in her stomach loosen. It wasn’t that she was afraid of peacekeepers. She was paid by the chief on a monthly basis, but it was always better to have good press. “You realize I have appointments to keep.” She kept walking, skirting around him, sure he would follow.
“I can make it worth your time.”
She almost scoffed. She didn’t hear that every week. “I’m sure you think you can.”
He was suddenly in front of her again, standing unnervingly close. What irritated her the most was how it seemed to have taken little to no effort.
“What if I said it wasn’t for me?”
Both of her eyebrows went up in surprise this time. “I don’t think I really understand, then.”
“My name is Obi Eshe. My nephew was tried for treason and smuggling today. The throne-“
She was glad he couldn’t see her eyes because they were pitying, and if she’d learned anything, she’d learned how men hated to be pitied. “I heard.”
He nodded. “Then you understand the implications of his punishment?”
“It’s an execution except no one over here gets sprayed with the blood,” she said bluntly.
The grin painted over Obi’s face scared her a little. “Yes. You do understand.”
He seemed to think she could do something about this. “You realize what I am?”
“Oh, yes. You’re a whore.” At the gasp she couldn’t quite withhold at the insult, he stared levelly at her. “I’m not going to apologize for truth, no matter how coarse. I didn’t mean it as an insult.”
How he meant it was not a balm for her pride. “I don’t see how I can help your nephew.”
Obi bent over her. She sensed it wasn’t because he was trying to threaten her but a cause of desperation, eagerness, and heavy responsibility combined. “I need someone to teach him how to be a proper spy without him thinking they’re a teacher. He won’t listen to anyone he thinks is lecturing.
She blinked. “You think I can.”
“I know you can. People talk about you. You’ve gotten away with your business while everyone knows what you are. You can teach him how to be subtle and refined.”
She sniffed. “You give me a lot of credit. I only have to weeks.”
He grabbed her arm when she dismissed him with a condescending pat on the shoulder and tried to pass him again. “I’m willing to make up for all the money you’re going to lose and pay for the time you spend with him. Throw me a number, any number, and I won’t even bargain.” He hated the desperation in those words, but she was his best hope. Whatever cruel fate that made him love the silly boy that was his nephew had done a good job. He would do anything for the stupid boy. “Lekan is 26. He’s a fantastic horseman and, when you can get him to sit down for a few moments, he’s a cello player. He’s funny, makes me laugh all the time, and I don’t think a lot is funny anymore. He’s silly and naïve now, but the boy’s got potential. I don’t have the tools to tap it, but I’m hoping you do.” He stared just under the shadows that were her eyebrows where he thought he saw the flicker of eyelashes from time to time. “You can save him. Please save him.”
The words were out before she could think. “I’ll do it.” The relief that crashed upon Obi’s face and made his hand shake as he took it from her arm was practically enough.
“Thank you.” He told himself his voice didn’t shake .
“I do need to be paid though.” She started walking again, and this time he stayed behind like most men did, following like a dog.
“Of course.”
“And it won’t be cheap.”
“I wouldn’t expect it to.” There was that bite of proud that wasn’t even partially hidden. He could pay for it, and he knew it.
She stopped at the door of a hotel. Piano music could be heard from a high class bar across the street. The beat made her want to dance, but she had stopped dancing long ago. She was too old for that. The sky was a bruised purple with the west the orange of a ripe peach. Men and women passed them on the street, all heading home after a long day’s work. The high class zoomed around in their cars. Obi stood there as if he wasn’t worried.
“This is my place.”
He nodded. “I know. I was waiting for you here before I saw Lekan in my car. I guess it’s lucky he was heading your way.” He still didn’t leave.
She shifted, trying to convince herself it wasn’t awkward. “I’ll have to do some math before I know how much you’ll owe me.”
“How about I just throw one hundred fifty dureen out there.”
Once again, she was glad of her veil because her eyes widened. “Hm.” Dureen’s were the highest currency. She could leave this place, go start life new as a shop keeper, a debutant… a nun.
He wasn’t lucky enough to have a barrier. His face showed surprise. “No? Two hundred then.”
For a moment she wondered how high he would go. She spoke. “Two hundred could cover it,” she murmured, her words clipped and tense as she tried to hide the shock and excitement. She wouldn’t bleed a desperate man dry. She was a prostitute, not a thief.
He swallowed and ran a hand through his hair. She was glad to see he didn’t think her price was pocket change. “I’ll pay it in increments. One fourth at the end of this week. One fourth when Lekan goes across the channel, and the rest if he makes it a week.”
She scoffed, about to argue, when she met his hard eyes.
“We both know if he’s found out that early, you haven’t done your job, and we both know fifty thousand takes care of two weeks of customers.”
Her eyes narrowed. So he wasn’t stupid. He’d done his homework. She wasn’t sure she even wanted to know where he’d found out her charging rate. He’d made sure the price was so high, he’d keep the end of her bargain, and she would.
“Your reputation is going to get ruined with all of your friends whisking about. You don’t want people to know you’re talking to me.”
She gave him a sultry smile. “I’m sure you don’t need your wife hearing about me.”
He laughed and then laughed harder when she pulled away, insulted. “I don’t have a wife, and I’m not really a part of their world.” He waved at the cars, smirking when she gave an unbelieving scoff. “No, it’s true. I mean, I come from their world, but I left it, and they don’t really like it when people come back.” He winked. “But I get your hint. I’ll go. Your pay starts tomorrow, so start informing your customers that you’ll need to take some time off, sweetheart.”
It had been a very long time since anyone had called Qui’in sweetheart, and she had not missed it. She glared at his back as he walked away, and only when he had turned the corner, did she turn on her heel and march into the lobby that bled velvet and wept diamonds. She had letters to write.
Outside, laughter and a trumpet joined the piano while the peach rotted to a cloudy black.
End of chapter
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Heya sugar, pretzelsing here for another review of this chapter(I noticed that it had many short reviews) Anyways, let's begin, shall we?
Okay,so I know that you actually did one whole paragraph about why she didn't like cars, but you should show us how nervous she acted around them while she was walking down the sidewalk.
It's "I should look"... and also if she was saying this in a business like seductive tone then why would she be lightening the mood and saying: Silly me? That just doesn't go with the mood in my opinion.
This is all one sentence and so I would separate into two sentences.I would put a period after her eyes. Also I would rephrase the words:"the fog the veil" You could probably put a comma there or put the phrase somewhere else.
You also gave an info dump when Obi was telling Qui all about his Lekan, wouldn't it be interesting if Qui just got to know him ony her own? I mean that's how we naturally get to know people.When you want to get to know another person better, does their parent come up to you and tell you a list of things about their child? No... that just isn't realistic.Plus all of these things you could disperse across your chapters for example: his playing his cello,telling a joke and being funny,etc.Here is the specific paragraph in the spoiler below:
Spoiler
I didn't understand this sentence, what do you mean by the "rare grey area". Is that an area on the road? Where is that
I feel like something is missing in this sentence at the end.What if you wrote: "and so would she," or "she would too" Just because that sounds more completed.Do you see what I mean?
My friend pointed this out, but go over your reading and notice how many times you mention a reaction by Qui'in eyes. I think that you need some variation, especially since Obi can't even see her eyes anyways since it's under the veil.
How can he leave the world? <,< Who's they in your sentence? I think that I would like you to explain and clarify a little bit more, sugar.
Wait Qui was a whore.So didn't different people call her sweetheart?
On this chapter you have us a lot of surprising information, that Qui was a prostitute and a whore. That does define her more, but I'm the previous chapters you have absolutely no hints at all that this was who she was. Maybe your could work on doing subtle hints in earlier chapters for this not to come as a huge surprise to the readers.
Obi seems pretty rich if he can afford to pay Qui that much money. Maybe this is the chapter to mention what job he has.Qui thinks that Obi is a peacekeeper or government official.
Also here you mentioned and referred to the sky and it's color a couple if times but why did you use repetition? Honestly the color of the sky doesn't further the plot at all because it's an unimportant detail.
You showed Obi's desperation and vulnerability. The dialogue was great because it was striking up a deal very realistically and the dialogue l like in any of your chapter seemed naturally flowing.
That's it from me, I hope that this helps you improve your writing sugar, and I truly encourage you to keep on writing! If yourc have any questions you can always PM me!
Egs!
~ Repetition.Rawr. Okay, so, I don't have time to go back and re-read your entire story, but I also don't quite remember all the plots and characters and things-- so I'm just going to jump into the middle of it here and review anyway. Okay? Okay.
~ Typo.
~ ~ ~
Omigosh, I love Qui'in so much. I swear every chapter I read with her in it makes me love her more. Her sass and her charm are amazing. Very, very well done, Egs. c:
I also like the fact that Obi is trying to help out Lekan. That's adorable. Just a very well done chapter all around. I was looking for something to complain about, but you really didn't give me
anythingmuch. I commented on the few grammar infractions above. Otherwise I honestly didn't see anything to complain at you for. So, well done there, too. xPI honestly have nothing else to say, though.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!
Wait, Qui'in is a prostitute?? o.o I never got that from the previous chapters. Must just be my innocent brain. Anyways...
Obi is a very interesting character. He cares for his nephew, that's obvious. But at the same time, he's quite hard and critical of him. I guess that's just how a loving uncle is I guess. He wants to help Lekan, but at that same time he wants Lekan to understand what he's done and what's about to happen to him.
I like the conversation here between Obi and Qui'in. It's a conversation that needed to happen of course, but I really enjoy the way it's written. You did a good job writing your characters. It seems like you know all about them and how they act and react. That's impressive for it only being the fourth chapter. I think that's what I liked most about the conversation, the way it fit so well with your characters's personalities. It fit well within the story.
So Obi wants Qui'in to teach Lekan how to be a spy? Well, I definitely didn't see that coming. Honestly, I'm not sure what exactly what I was thinking she could help with, but I didn't expect her to be an "expert" on spying. This'll be interesting to watch her teach Lekan.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey there Meg! It's me again :3
I really have very little to say when it comes to this chapter. You've pretty much covered everything here, and it was interesting to see Obi and Qui talking together. We get to see how observant Qui is, and how prepared Obi is. He really knows how to do his homework before a meeting xD
I wonder, how did Qui get into this lifestyle of hers? How is she actually dodging get penalised for her career? Is it because she knows the Queen? Now that makes me want to know how the Queen escaped from this lifestyle herself xD Ooh, things to possibly be explained in future chapters...
Small nitpicks:
Do you mean to getting to places?
Hm, I see what you mean but I think there could be a better way to word this. How about: wondered if cars smelled as bad as the waste they created on the outside.
But really, apart from questions and those nitpicks, there really isn't anything more to mention. Loving it and going to continue <3
Deanie x
Hullo! I'm here again, searching for brownies.
Main Points
Okay, so I'm still confused about the era and place that we're in. By now we should have a rough idea but I'm still confused. It seems to be modern, with the trench coat and after Qui's little rant about cars, I'm thinking they're modern ones. It would be nice if there could be some sort of concrete indicator.
Ah, so Eshe is a family name?
I love your dialogue and I love each of your characters and how they're all very different and wear their own skins. I find Obi and Qui an interesting pair to watch, so I hope they'll have more conversations.
I love how Obi is doing all this not just out of pity for his sister or because he doesn't want Lekan to ruin his family's name or whatnot. Rather he genuinely loves him and really doesn't want to see him die. It's very endearing and kind of cute
I haven't got much else to say at the moment so I'll hop off to your next chapter. Keep it up and happy writing!
Silverlock
'Ello! I'm gonna review this by going sentence by sentence and picking things that catch my eye. Warning, I have not read any of the previous segments to this lovely piece of work. So, disregard any points made that are addressed in previous segments.
Unnecessary comma here and disrupts the flow.Your first three sentences were great. Simple and to the point, while prompting intrigue by your reader.
The last two sentences of your first paragraph and the first sentenced of your second paragraph start with 'she'. Try deviating it up a little more, especially since you just have two sentences that went back to back starting with 'in a car'.
Comma after 'rare' because there's more than one adjective describing 'area'.
Same thing here.
'In the dying sun' should have commas around it because it's a preposition of more than three words and can be omitted without disrupting flow and logic in the sentence. Same with 'with the young man'.
When using a hyphen for interruption, in this case it should be a double hyphen. Also, there should be a period between the hyphen and the quotation mark.
I'm gonna stop here for now. Hope this was helpful. Happy Review Day and fahrvergnugen!
Meeeg! How am I supposed to critique this?
Okay, plot. Using a Mistress to teach someone how to be a spy. Is. Genius. Although I keep skipping backwards to her relationship with the queen and I have to wonder >.<
I really, really like Qui'in. She is kind of bottom of the barrel and still has hope, and that makes me adore her. Her and Lekan. Both of them are awesome and you've done a great job at creating likable MCs.
Descriptions in this are beautiful, it has to be said. The breeze, the smell of cars (and her odd perception of them) are great. And that bruised sky and rotting peach are divine.
Obi is still a little flat in this. I'm kind of getting the impression of a very typical mafia-ish blackcoat, and with Qui'in and Lekan being such great and peculiar characters I'd like to see that in him as well. Oh and keep an eye on that sentence structure. When you use a lot of dialogue you slip back into the 'he did she did' habit.
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. Keep up the good work! I'll hold you to this standard.