Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
“What?”
Obi glared at his nephew. “How do you not pay attention at your own hearing?” He gritted his teeth and whirled around to stare out the window.
The highest tower of the palace could still be seen, the white clock face a pale circle at the top. The elaborate molding and pastel colors made it look like the top of a cake which is what the commoners and begun to call it. As a self-respecting noble he would never admit it, but he rather liked the name. It illustrated the useless grandiose style the current monarchs favored. He tapped his finger against the sill.
“It’ll all work out! At least you were listening, right?” Lekan laughed into a dead silence. He only stopped to blink when his mother ran out of the room.
Obi swore and ran after her, stopping at the door. “Conya!” He stalked back in, frowning at Lekan. “You’re an imbecile.”
Lounging in an armchair, one leg thrown over a cushy arm, the young man sighed. “You guys really have no faith, do you?”
“You need to go into instant training.” Obi met his light gaze and felt his heart sink. “If you’ll promise me you’ll take all of this seriously, I’ll pay for the best diplomats I can find.”
Lornya glanced from younger Eshe to elder. “Lekan-“
“It’s just glorified acting.”
Obi gripped the back of a chair until his knuckles were white. “You are going to die if you are found out which is easier than you would think.”
He shrugged. “I think I can handle it.”
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Obi growled softly, “Get out.”
Lornya stepped away from the wall he’d been leaning against, passively observing. “Hold on now-“
“Out!”
Lekan scoffed and stood, pulling at his jacket to make sure it wasn’t wrinkled. “I don’t know why you’re so upset. If I die, you get all of this anyways.”
Going completely still, Obi narrowed his eyes at his nephew. “You are completely useless.”
Lekan’s back stiffened. “That’s-“
“You think I want this?” Obi roared over him. “I’m old. I’m tired. If you were interested, even if you were only interested in pissing it away, I would hand it over. You selfish, stupid son of a bitch, just get out, so I can figure out how you’ll survive this.”
As if his uncle had struck him, Lekan jerked back. “I don’t-“
“You need to learn that everything you say affects something.” He turned away. “I don’t care what you do. Just stop being an idiot.” He rested his head on the heel of his hand as he breathed out through his teeth.
Mouth open, Lekan blinked slowly. “I didn’t...”
Lornya slowly pushed him to the door. “It’ll be okay. Today’s been stressful. We’rea ll on edge.” He closed the door softly after he’d pushed the young man out.
Obi was staring out the window again. “This is all my fault.”
“You can’t blame yourself for his behavior.”
He rested his head against the glass. “I paid the smugglers.” He groaned. “I can’t believe I was so gullible. I was thinking like the man of the hour, I guess. Why did I trust him?”
Lornya rubbed his bald spot and took a deep breath, blinking several times as he tried to understand what had just been said. He opened his mouth, carefully thinking about what he should say, and in one rush of air burst, “Why?”
“Hope and being tired of him being the way he is. I thought real danger might scare him into acting smart, get him to straighten up. Not only was I wrong, but he got arrested.” His shoulders, always straight because of his military past, slumped. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”
Wringing his hands, Len shook his head. “No one can know that.”
“I know no one can know,” Obi snapped, watching the activity below. Someone honked a horn. Gods, he hated cars. Give him a good horse any day.
“Listen, regardless of what cause this mess, he’s been given the opportunity to save his life, and we need to focus on finding a way to help him.”
Lornya’s voice was faint, and Obi found himself wondering if this was how Lekan heard everything. Sighing, he nodded. “You’re right. We know he’s not going to listen to us.”
“Maybe a friend?”
He scoffed, fingering the sheer fabric of the curtains to either side of the window. “Most of them are worse than he is.” He pulled the curtain over the window, staring out at the fuzzy landscape.
An idea was drifting on the edges of his mind, but he wasn’t quite sure what it was yet.
“-taught without knowing he’s being taught.”
Lowering the curtain slightly as a car came to a stop across the street, he watched his neighbor usher a woman into the house, a smile tugging at his lips. Seeing as the lord hadn’t used the main entrance, he doubted the woman was his wife.
He lifted the curtain again as the door close, his mind drifting to veils, so old fashioned, and Qui’in. He hadn’t had the pleasure of experiencing her skills yet, but she was renowned for being the best woman in her business. She was so well known that Obi, who had long outgrown the scene she was featured in, had heard of her talents. Since no one else was crazy enough to wear veils, especially in the heat of summer, Obi had no doubt it was her he had run into while trying to get Lean away from court before he could make a bigger fool of himself.
“-disguise his teacher as a new friend or…”
Obi ran the curtain through his fingers. “Or a lover.”
Lornya threw his hands up. “I see you’ve decided to participate.”
“Do you know how to get in contact with Mistress Qui’in?” he asked, turning to face his friend suddenly.
Making a big show of raising his eyebrows in the most innocent way possible, Lornya spread his hands. “Do you really think this is the time to be asking about personal services?”
Rolling his eyes, Obi ignored the question. “She’s strict about etiquette right?”
He shrugged, his face a light pink. “I don’t know why you think I know so much about her.”
Obi decided not to give honor that with a response, raising an eyebrow.
“Fine, point received.” He gave him a faint grin. “She has kicked men who were too rude or too drunk out. There are rumors that she won’t stand for a stupid man either.” He shrugged. “I wouldn’t be too sure about that though. She’s a cold one.”
“Do you think she’d help us?” Obi had to force his mind to focus on Lornya’s purposeful expression as his slow thought process played out. He would never call his friend dumb, but there were times where Obi wished he wasn’t so cautious and deliberate. Though he wanted to continue planning, he wanted to see if he actually had a hope of success first.
Finally, Lornya nodded. “I would think so. She’s not the charitable type though. She’ll need coin and lots of it.”
Nodding, Obi leaned against a chair. “I’ve got that. You know how I could find her?”
“That’s where your challenge is. Despite the pains you have to go through to please her, she’s very popular. She runs her business by appointments, and she’s always booked weeks in advance.”
Obi smiled darkly. “Not anymore.”
End of chapter
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
“The highest tower of the palace could still be seen … It illustrated the useless grandiose style the current monarchs favored.” Really good description here. Describing a tower to illustrate his more political feelings. Interesting.
“…Lekan laughed into a dead silence. He only stopped to blink when his mother ran out of the room.” Wow. Very emotionally-charged scene. I’m liking it.
“Lounging in an armchair, one leg thrown over a cushy arm, the young man sighed. “You guys really have no faith, do you?” ” At this point I’m not sure if Lekan understands his sentence at all. Either he’s that optimistic or he’s a little clueless.
“Obi met his light gaze and felt his heart sink.” Obi felt his heart sink? For some reason this jutted out at me as I’m pretty sure this is the first time you’ve clued the reader in to Obi’s feelings. At first it was in Lekan’s POV. But since you just described Obi’s feelings, you switched into 3rd person omniscient. That’s cool though, nothing wrong with that. I’ve just read that switching from 3rd person limited to 3rd person omniscient can be difficult.
“Lornya glanced from younger Eshe to elder.” Uhhh I forget… who is Lornya? I thought it was just Obi, Lekan and his mother present. I guess I was wrong. I think I got his mother’s name confused with this one.
“ “I think I can handle it.” ” Wow! He really is that optimistic! Somehow that makes things more interesting. I’m loving the conflict between the characters.
“ “I don’t know why you’re so upset. If I die, you get all of this anyways.” ” All of what? Did I miss something?
“ “I’m old. I’m tired. If you were interested, even if you were only interested in pissing it away, I would hand it over.” ” Hand what over? An inheritance perhaps?
“ “I don’t-“ ” This is the second time I noticed this. I quoted the quotation, which is: “I don’t-“. That second pair of quotation marks are facing the wrong direction. I’ve also noticed that Microsoft Word does that by default. But I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to be the following: “I don’t-”.
“ “It’ll be okay. Today’s been stressful. We’rea ll on edge.” He closed the door softly after he’d pushed the young man out.” Typo, first of all: “We’rea ll”. Secondly… Lornya is male? Or was it Obi that pushed Lekan out the door?
“Obi was staring out the window again. “This is all my fault.” ” Oh wow, he blames himself for this? Interesting. Kind of surprised me.
“Lornya rubbed his bald spot…” Question answered. Male.
“ “Hope and being tired of him being the way he is. I thought real danger might scare him into acting smart, get him to straighten up. Not only was I wrong, but he got arrested.” ” Oh wow… so it is partially Obi’s fault then?
“His shoulders, always straight because of his military past, slumped.” I don’t like the word ‘because’ here. It really pops out at me. Perhaps rephrase that?
“Wringing his hands, Len shook his head.” Len? Who is Len? Are Len and Lornya the same person? I’m going to assume that.
“Give him a good horse any day.” I’m not sure why but this really stuck out at me enough to distract me quite a bit. Maybe consider rephrasing it?
“An idea was drifting on the edges of his mind, but he wasn’t quite sure what it was yet.” Excellent description here! I love it!
“He lifted the curtain again as the door close,…” Close[d].
“…his mind drifting to veils, so old fashioned, and Qui’in.” Oh? Obi knows Qui’in? Now this is interesting.
“He hadn’t had the pleasure of experiencing her skills yet, but she was renowned for being the best woman in her business.” You have me wondering if her business is prostitution. Seeing as the man she was seeing was not her spouse and Obi smiled at it… Or maybe like some sort of escort?
“…Obi had no doubt it was her he had run into while trying to get Lean away from court…” Typo: Lean / Lekan.
Obi ran the curtain through his fingers. “Or a lover.” Now the pot’s starting to boil!
“…turning to face his friend suddenly.” Oh okay, so Lornya is a friend of Obi. Got it.
“ “She’s strict about etiquette right?” ” Okay now I’m pretty sure she’s an escort. Whether than ivolves prostitution or not, I’m not really sure.
“Obi smiled darkly. “Not anymore.” ” Oh? Bribery? Tsk tsk.
Okay, so I’m still mildly confused on some things but you still have me reading, so kudos. Onward to the next chapter!
Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!
So I know that this is dialogue, but I still think you should make this two sentences. The way it's written now, it seems that Obi is just rambling on. But the way he's talking and what he's trying to get across to Lekan, I feel like rambling isn't exactly what you're going for.
So Qui'in is going to be pulled into Lekan's life faster than I imagined. I thought that it would be a little while before their two lives came together. Now I'm interested to see what they'll be like together, especially because Obi and Lornya have decided to get her involved rather than Lekan himself. I can only imagine what their relationship is going to end up being like.
There's a lot of dialogue in this story so far. That's not necessarily a bad thing of course. Dialogue can be a great way to develop characters and the story. But description is also important to a story. There's some good description in this chapter where Obi is looking out the window, thinking to himself. I hope to see more of that as I read more.
I also look forward to seeing more of this world development as well. We're getting more and more information as the story goes on. It's little bits and pieces, nothing too overwhelming, which is nice. I'm looking forward to seeing everything come together, get the big picture of this world.
Like everyone else, I'm interested in who this Lornya is. Of course, there isn't much you can do about it now since you've already written the other chapters. But I do hope to find out more about him in the next few chapters. Again, I'll comment on this later on if my questions still haven't been answered.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey there Meg!
I have read the previous chapters so I do know what is going in, and am not just jumping in in the middle.
I decided a while ago that I was going to read this novel, but with all the other ones posting regularly I found it hard to find the time. But I am here now, and determined to catch up on the chapters! You're doing a brilliant job with TLMSC as well
D: Lekan is such a spoilt little kid. I hope Qui can whip him into shape, and soon. He's not taking the fact that his life is in danger seriously enough. Sheesh, I hope I never have a child like that xD You've been developing all the characters well so far. I really like Uncle, and the mother is okay. I wonder what has happened to his father though? Perhaps something I will learn in future chapters.
The only character I am not sure about is Lornya. They kind of pop up suddenly in this chapter with no real explanation. Is he a friend of Obi's, or someone else? Do let us know ^.^
Two little nitpicks:
These sentences need to be put in the past tense! Which means a little 'd' added on to the ends of the words 'cause' and 'close'.
Also, at the beginning of this I thought Lekan was going to be beheaded? I know this is not what is going to actually happen, but if this is what Uncle Obi was kidding about before, make sure you drive that home a bit more. Because I still thought he was going to be beheaded and got pretty confused when it actually turned out he was going to do some spying. Or do you mean if he gets caught as a spy, then he can be beheaded?
Something I am having difficulty picturing is the setting of this novel. Yes, I know there is a castle and houses and all, but what type of place is this? Is it dry lands or a farm-ish type of place or just a normal busy place? Apart from the description of the castle we haven't gotten many descriptions of the surroundings, which make it hard to picture the whole image. I can see the characters interacting but not where they are. So make sure you interweave some descriptions in these beginning chapters as well.
I am looking forward to knowing why Qui is always wearing a veil... Especially as it must be something big, seeing as it's the title for this story ^.^ One thing I am also happy you've already done is cross the paths of the two main characters once, when they brushed by each other in the castle. And now they are going to have to work together. Ooh this is shaping up nicely.
It's hard to find much to pick out here, because you write it so well. I am going to keep reading ^.^
Deanie x
Megsug! Hullo, I'm back again
Main Points
Who is this guy? I know Obi is Lekan's uncle, but I have no idea who Lornya is. He's mentioned in the chapter two but I don't recall him making an appearance in chapter one. I'm just wondering what his relationship to the family is. A friend?
It's not really clear who says this.
I know what you're saying in this sentence but only after reading it three times. I think the fat that you've used interested twice makes it slightly confusing. I would suggest changing the first one.
Is this Lornya's nick name?
I think this would flow better if you connected them with “but”.
Wait, so the car has curtain? So do you mean a carriage of some sort? If so then suddenly everything makes more sense.
Once when trying to show something to a friend I tried to say “look” and “check this out” at the same time. The result was me saying “chook” which I think is exactly what happened here. XD
Aha! SO the greater plot is revealed! Or at least parts of it. A foundation has been set in this chapter and I think it's a good one. It's an interesting and somewhat ingenious plan that Obi has.I really can't wait to see what will happen seeing as both Lekan and Qui are both interesting characters. See you in the next one! Keep it up and happy writing!
Silverlock
Heyo Egs!
~ Okay, so I find myself complaining about this quite a bit in my reviews here, but I don't like starting a chapter with dialogue. I am of the opinion that you should give your readers at least a line or two to set the scene, before you thrust us into the middle of a conversation. Maybe have something about Lekan's facial expressions/body language, before the conversation?Shady back with another review for you this fine evening. I'm starting to get curious about how many reviews I can get done before you come back from your dinner break, haha.
~ Who did? I'm confused whether Lekan or Obi is looking out the window.
~ They started calling it the cake? Or...? I have a feeling I'm just being dense tonight, but the concept isn't penetrating into my mind.
Wait, so the mother's name is Conya? Who is Lornya? :3
~ Your setting has me very intrigued. At first I was imagining medieval, but I guess not. Is it modern then? Or...?
~ Teehee, that's a funny typo.
~
I'm really curious to know who Lornya is, and how he plays into the plot. I like his personality, and have a feeling that he's going to be an important character--especially later on. As for Obi, this was a really good development chapter for him. I definitely have a better grasp of his personality than I did before, and I enjoyed getting to know him better.
He seems like the gruff, mean-but-loveable (to me, at least) character that will eventually find himself as my favorite. I like how he's shutting his cocky nephew down-- while still caring so much about him, and obviously having Lekan's best interest in mind. I highly enjoyed the part of him admitting to paying the smugglers-- that was just a beautiful plot twist that I didn't expect, at all. Bravo.
Uh... I feel like there was something else to say, but I can't remember what it was. Ah well. I'll chat you if I think of it.
~Shady
Am I so far behind? I'm sorry!
Okay. Chapter Three.
My gosh that was tense! I think my heart skipped a beat when Obi started yelling, that was pretty scary. I love novels that can catch me off guard that much.
And poor Lekan =[ So he's a teeny bit haphazard, now they're going to play with his heart?
And Qui'in is a Mistress? Like, *that* kind of Mistress? Because I totally didn't see that coming.
Characters-
are coming to life nicely =] I'd like to see them more animated still. Narrowing eyes and clenching nearby objects are quite generic reactions, I'm curios more about what makes them different. Everybody has weird little quirks and habits, and everybody has things about their natural biology that sets them apart.
What I know of Obi so far is that he's not a young whipper snapper, and he's at wits end with Lekan. But then there's the really subtle things like where he grew up and what he does for a living which you don't need to info-dump on, but these things would have an effect on his posture, on the texture of his hands, maybe even his patterns of speech.
Don't worry about big backstories, just bring in a few more of the little details.
Dialogue-
could be a bit tighter. Right now it seems to say all that it needs to, but nothing more really. Dialogue- the words that we use- are very personal things and you can learn a lot about someone not by the information they give but the way they present it, the subtle opinions and particular ways of phrasing things.
I'd like to see more of that.
Other than that
I don't really have much else to critique about this. The best thing, for me, was that shock of Obi losing his temper. You built up the atmosphere and shattered it brilliantly.
I can't wait to see how this plot develops 8D
Hi! there megsug
..
On the previous chapters, I found out that Lekan was on trial, Qui'in was frequently making her way inside the palace and she happens to be the queen's old friend, the brutal consequence of committing a crime, the reason behind and the connection of Obi with regards to Lekan's case and, on the later part of this chapter, the plan of Obi and Lornya/Conya (my apologies I'm quite confused if it's a typo or if they're different individuals >.<) to have the strict Qui'in discipline the unruly Lekan. Saying all that, the story becomes more and more exciting as another chapter is written. It makes someone wonder of what will happen when they'll finally meet. Will they clash or will they fall?
Nice story