The Veil - Chapter 2 Part 2 • Young Writers Society

The Veil - Chapter 2 Part 2

A/N: For a challenge in The Last Man Standing challenge, Gandalf makes an appearance.

Qui’in dawdled on the way to the queen’s room as she always did when her friend wasn’t with her, hating the awkward wait in a silent parlor while maids hovered by the door whispering. They still hadn’t quite found out what to do with her. Stopping at a vase she swore changed every week, she studied the strange pattern. Women hid behind orange flowers. She was tempted to move her veil to take a closer look.

“Excuse me, miss. Are you lost?”

She turned, glad to observe that she hadn’t visibly jumped though her heart was thudding in her chest. “No sir. I’m-“

Nodding dubiously, he raised an amazingly bushy brow.

She crossed her arms, seeing that he was new though he didn’t seem as dangerous as most guards that walked the interior halls. He only carried a staff. “Listen. I’m a friend of…” She hesitated, knowing what the reaction would be. “Queen Kamaria.”

He laughed. “I’m supposed to take your word for it?”

Attempting to slip by him, she shrugged. “You don’t have to believe me, I guess.”

He leaned against the wall, blocking her. “You. Shall. Not. PASS.”

She backed away, huffing. “That was not necessary.” She looked over her shoulder at footsteps, practically expecting yet another guard. She motioned at the guard when she saw Kamaria. “This is ridiculous.”

“Oh, don’t get so upset.” Away from the nobles, she was taking off the blonde wig, sighing in relief. “She’s with me.”

Walking away from the guard, the going was much easier.

“I’m so glad to see you. Today has been terrible.”

She glanced at her friend, biting her lip. It had taken her a while to become comfortable with how quickly Kamaria had forgotten what real problems were. “I saw the family leaving.”

“We let the boy go. The fool sat down in the middle of his hearing. Probably some kind of protest. Students are such pains. They all think they’re entitled to change the world.” She gave Qui a steely glare as if she suspected her. “Things are fine just the way they are.” She opened a door, ringing a bell as she walked in, and laid her wig on a table before sinking into a couch. “I’m so glad I have an escape from the nitwits out there, Qui. I can act like myself with you.”

“I’m glad I can be there for you.” She linked her hands in her lap. Kamaria had saved her years and years ago, and Qui had loved her as she would an older sister. Perhaps it was jealousy or maybe her friend had really changed, but Qui had come to dread the meetings with Kamaria. She normally sat there and listened to complaints of how hard life was as a royal. All of the problems that had come with poverty had been forgotten.

“Someone attempted to insult you after you left, some older woman whose husband’s paying you, I’m sure, and I just stared at her. Really, I have no idea how people make you coming around such a big deal. I mean, I basically was you before Rofulo.”

“What did you do to the boy?” she asked, almost on top of the king’s name. She glanced down, blushing. Normally, she was far more tactful, but she was remembering the criminal boy’s mother’s sobs.

Kamaria may be separated from the real world, but she had retained the patience and wry acceptance that had endeared Qui. “We’re sending him across the channel to do a little spy work for us.” She studied her fingernails and gave the door an irritated glance. The maids were taking quite a while today. “The boy, um…” She snapped her fingers. “The Eshe boy… Oh, I don’t know. He’s a new heir. His uncle is trying to rein him in, but the child is known as an unruly problem. I mean, he’s no different from all other boys his age, but he has real responsibilities now. Kids aren’t like they used to be.” She went silent as a maid rushed in with a tea tray. “Darling, you couldn’t have taken any longer.” She hid a smile with a graceful hand as the girl turned a dark red and waved at the discarded wig with her other. “And take that please.”

Qui ignored the tea pot though she knew Kamaria would pour her a cup. She hated tea, but she didn’t keep anything like the scones that always came with them.

“Anyway, he got conned into being the scapegoat for this pair of smugglers. What no one knows is that we pay them-“ She cut off to point at Qui. “That’s not for public consumption. The boy was caught because he has the intelligence of a parrot, and Rufie was ready to make the kid an example. Smuggling has been a problem, you know, not to mention Obi made him angry. Really, the guy was begging to get kicked out. Way too proud.” She smirked. “He probably thinks he can get the Eshe boy whipped into some kind of shape. We gave him two weeks, but I think the kid is dead within a month, month and a half. It’s a tad less despicable, you know? No one can blame us for being overly harsh.”

Qui nodded, struck mute.

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Tue Mar 10, 2015 5:57 pm

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Pretzelstick wrote a review...

Heya sugar, pretzelsing here for a review.
So I did read the previous 2 chapters of this novel, so I completely know what is going on. Let's begin, shall we?

Qui’in dawdled on the way to the queen’s room as she always did when her friend wasn’t with her,period hating the awkward wait in a silent parlor while maids hovered by the door whispering.

You could divide this sentence up into two sentences by maybe putting a period where the comma is and then saying: She hated the awkward wait..." I would also put a comma between door and whispering so that it isn't misunderstood that the door was whispering

Nodding dubiously, he raised an amazingly bushy brow.

Amazingly?

I didn't really think that this was the right word choice here, it doesn't just fit.From when do you say: "his amazing bushy brow?"

She crossed her arms, seeing that he was new though he didn't seem as dangerous as most guards that walked the interior halls.

Put a comma between new and though just to separate the two phrases and make them flow better.

She looked over her shoulder at footsteps, practically expecting yet another guard.

How could she look and see footsteps sugar? :shock:

That just isn't realistic. She could hear them for sure.

“What did you do to the boy?” she asked, almost on top of the king’s name.

What does this italicized phrase: on top of the king's name mean, sugar? I didn't really understand what context this had to your conversation.

Okay those ^^ were the nitpicks. Now let's go to the character: Kamaria. I just have a question though, how much influence does she really have over the king? I know that she was the one whispering in his ear during the court case but I would like to know. I know that sometimes the queen had almost more power than the king himself(oh that would be interesting to see

) Also you wrote that the Queen has changed but that almost means nothing to me personally. I didn't see her before the change, just after. Maybe you could implement some memory flashbacks in Qui's head or in the Kamaria's head. How was she different before?

So you say that Qui feels uncomfortable in the Queen's presence and you show us subtle hints about it, but I would like you to expand and maybe show a little bit more, how does Qui act around the Queen? Does the Queen even notice that she is uncomfortable?

This was very interesting to see the Queen's POV on the boy's situation, because now we know that he was sent on a suicide mission and that he might not live for more than one month. I like how you explained that. It was perfectly done, because you didn't give us much details(like no one would in real life) plus that keep the mystery up and in the air.

The dialouge for this part seemed like Kamaria was doing all the talking and Qui'in was very quiet here, almost like a listener. I thin; that it would be great if you could add in an extra comment or two, she didn't come here to listen to Kamaria talk the whole time, did she?:?

If Kamaria can be very honest in front of Qui, then why does it seem like throughout this whole chapter Qui couldn't be honest with Kamaria? Doesn't honesty go both ways? Qui, as a beloved friend has a right to say her opinion and be turthful, right? Do you see what I mean.

Overall, this chapter was masterfully written ~~I am even very surprised that I could write such a long review for it~~ Anyways I hope that this helps you improve your writing and I truly encourage you to keep on writing!If you have any questions, you can always PM me!

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Mon Oct 06, 2014 2:19 pm

Tealessence wrote a review...

“Qui’in dawdled on the way to the queen’s room as she always did when her friend wasn’t with her…” Okay, so Qui’in is the queen’s friend, I’m assuming.

“… glad to observe that she hadn’t visibly jumped though her heart was thudding in her chest.” I’m wondering why she was so startled. Is she not supposed to be there even though the queen allowed her in?

“ It had taken her a while to become comfortable with how quickly Kamaria had forgotten what real problems were.” I like this little snippet of insight.

“… Students are such pains...” Ahh so he’s a student, I wonder what kind?

“Kamaria had saved her years and years ago, and…” Up until this point there have been zero info dumps, so this one surprised me and probably grabbed my attention more than it was supposed to. I’m also wondering how Kamaria saved her. I hope that’s going to be revealed in the near future.

“All of the problems that had come with poverty had been forgotten.” So Qui is poor? Either that or Kamaria used to be poor. Noted.

“ “…I mean, I basically was you before Rofulo.” ” Qui used to be wealthy? Getting a tad confused here.

“…almost on top of the king’s name.” I really like this description. WHAT IS THIS? A dialogue tag??? Haha. It’s good though that I didn’t notice it until I took a closer look.

“ “We’re sending him across the channel to do a little spy work for us.” ” HALLELUJAH! Answers! Relief! Now THAT is really interesting.

“He’s a new heir.” Hmm, heir to what I wonder?

“ “Anyway, he got conned into being the scapegoat for this pair of smugglers. What no one knows is that we pay them-“ She cut off to point at Qui. “That’s not for public consumption.” ” Oh my gosh. He was set up! The royals are corrupt!

“ “The boy was caught because he has the intelligence of a parrot,…” ” I’m assuming this means very intelligent? Because I own 2 parrots and they are very intelligent.

“ “…and Rufie was ready to…” ” I didn’t realize she was talking about the king until the second or third time I read this sentence. Though that’s not necessarily a big problem… since we’ve established this is a sort of conservative fantasy-ish genre, you’re allowed to have a steep learning curve.

“ “We gave him two weeks, but I think the kid is dead within a month, month and a half. It’s a tad less despicable, you know? No one can blame us for being overly harsh.” ” WOW. No remorse at all? I do not like the queen. I have a feeling their friendship is going to go sour.

Once again, despite being a difficult read for me, it still kept me engaged. I just hope I can manage to catch up to where you are, like on chapter 17 right now. I have a long ways to go.

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Sun Jul 27, 2014 8:12 pm

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Noelle wrote a review...

Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!

Gandalf!!

Qui’in dawdled on the way to the queen’s room as she always did when her friend wasn’t with her, hating the awkward wait in a silent parlor while maids hovered by the door whispering.

I think this would work better as two separate sentences. The beginning of the second sentence should say something like "She really hated the awkward feeling of waiting in the silent parlor...". Otherwise it just sounds like a run-on sentence.

I wish that we would've gotten a description of what Queen Kamaria looks like, or at least how she dresses; something. Right now I just have an empty vision in my mind of a woman dressed like royalty. But then reading that Qui is her friend makes me think that she's a bit younger and not as...queenish? Basically I just want to know more about Kamaria.

So we get to learn more about Lekan's fate here. You left us with a cliffhanger at the end of the first chapter, wondering exactly what had happened to him. And now we know. We're all caught up with what's going on in his life, but now we're waiting to see what exactly is going on around him and around this world. So now we're waiting to find out more about that, which of course will happen in later chapters.

I'm also quite interested in what this veil is all about. You keep mentioning this veil that Qui'in is wearing everywhere. It's obviously important since that's the title of the novel. So I'm looking forward to learning more about that. I don't want to really get in depth with this topic though since you have so many chapters out. If I talk about it now, my questions and comments will probably become null and void as I keep reading.

Keep writing!!
**Noelle**

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Sun May 25, 2014 10:20 am

Snowery wrote a review...

Hi, Megs! Brownie monster back to review for you!

About your world.

I'm slightly confused, and very curious about this world of yours. You mention kings, queens and smugglers so I immediately assumed that this is a fantasy of some sort, especially with the king himself presiding over court. However on reading this chapter there is:

the idling car waiting at the curb.

So it's modern times? In our world or a completely made up one?

You've also indicated several times that the people seem to be dark skinned. However here:

The kid was. The black man was a friend of the king

Now this is curious. Is Lekan white? Or tanned? The guard wouldn't have used colour as a form of differentiation unless there is a difference. If so this leads to further curiosity in your world.

The king is dark skinned, so naturally one would assume that the inhabitants are too? So if Lekan isn't dark skinned does that mean he's a foreigner, or of mixed blood? He is referred to as The Eshe boy… yet he's mentioned to be an heir of some sort? As well as a student? At some point the reader does need to know the location of the story and what it's inhabitants are like. Just some basic detail to help them recreate the scene in their minds. Of course not immediately but just some notes to ponder upon as you write your next chapter.

I'm interested to see what shall happen to poor Lekan. Oh! Great insert of Gandalf by the way ^.^

he raised an amazingly bushy brow.

See you in the next one! Keep it up and happy writing!

Silverlock

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Thu May 22, 2014 12:29 am

Shady wrote a review...

Egs!

Shady back, as promised. Ready to read chapter three!

Qui’in dawdled on the way to the queen’s room as she always did when her friend

~ Her friend the guard? Haha

They still hadn’t quite found out what to do with her.

~ This is an anal nitpick, and you're, again, welcome to feel free to ignore-- but I suggest substituting "found" for "figured." It just seems like it would fit better.

He leaned against the wall, blocking her. “You. Shall. Not. PASS.”

~ You...he... No. :3

She hated tea, but she didn’t keep anything like the scones that always came with them.

~ I don't understand this statement. I think you might be missing a word...somwhere? I might just be tired, but this really isn't processing what she's talking about with the scones.
~

I really dislike the queen. You wrote her perfectly, and she's well developed-- she just makes me want to slap her. xD Which is probably a good thing, considering the personality she has. You've got me very interested about Qui, though-- where she comes from, why she's on such good terms with the queen, why, if she's not important herself, the queen doesn't help her out of whatever position she's in. You've got a lot of questions to answer, but in a good way (if that makes sense).

I'm also really curious to see what happens to poor Lekan. You keep giving us little teasers about his punishment-- and it's driving me crazy. I want to knoooooow more about him, and what is going to happen to him. So... I guess I'll read on.

~Shady

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Sun Apr 27, 2014 8:40 pm

lostthought wrote a review...

Hey meg! Having a fun review day? You'll be my 20th review this day so let's review!

Nitpicks

Spoiler! :

I found Gandalf!

He only carried a staff.
“You. Shall. Not. PASS.”

Gandalf carries a staff and says you can't pass. (First book/movie I believe? Before they all are separated?)

I'm just reading through all five chapters in this to review. Where is your sage, by the way? Usually they have reviewed this by now..

Poor guy. You can tell that he has a few missing brain cells in the last chapter. Sending someone to spy is practically a death sentence, unless you have them as a mole, a double agent perhaps? The queen is a major league ass as well. "Tad less despicable." It's still despicable! Silly queen.

Well, keep writing meg,

-lost

Points: 2953
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Sun Apr 27, 2014 6:12 pm

Aravis10 wrote a review...

Hi! Happy Review Day! Just to warn you, I haven't read the other chapters sooooo I don't really know 100% of what is going on.
I really liked your descriptions and dialogue! The dialogue was perfect for your characters relationship. And I liked the vase. That was sort of random but it added to the description. One question: Why was Gandalf there again? I know you said it at the beginning, but I wasn't sure what you meant. If you were going to publish this, I would take him out.
The very first sentence was a mouthful! Maybe you should try breaking it up into two sentences.
Once you switched from past to present tense. You said "Kamaria may be separated from the real world, but she had retained the patience and wry acceptance that had endeared Qui" It should be "Kamaria may have been..."
Also, you said "...,she didn’t keep anything like the scones that always came with them." I was a little confused on what that was supposed to mean. Maybe you could use a different word than "keep".
Overall, I was charmed by this part. Keep it up! I might go read some of the rest of it now!

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The Veil - Chapter 2 Part 2

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