Qui'in stood on the steps out of the huge palace doors, trying to look cool even as the heat waves rose off of the metal cars behind her. She knew she succeeded in such an impossible task as anyone could.
Except, of course, for the 'ceremonial' guard standing at attention in front of the doors, looking completely comfortable in the armor he had to wear though she was sure he was boiling. He stared out impassively.
"I'm tired of going through this every time."
Nothing.
She wondered how he looked when off duty. "I come every week, and every week you stop me."
"That's my job. It would be way too easy to impersonate you with that crap over your face."
She let out a slow breath, watching the veil in front of her face billow out. She had hoped to get into the queen's chambers before the crowds of nobles poured out of the court room.
Hitting the guard in the back with the door hard enough to make him stumble, a woman hurried out.
Instead of sneering at the guard, Qui'in watched the woman go, sighing in sympathy as the woman's sobs were heard over the growing distance.
She rarely felt sorry for the criminals that went through the palace, but the mothers were always surprised. She was glad she would never have to risk facing that surprise.
Slipping toward the door, she tried to take advantage of the distraction. "I'll just-"
He stuck out the butt of his ceremonial spear and smiled when she tripped.
"You're not supposed to move," she muttered, glaring at him.
"Unless I have no other choice."
She mimicked him as she pushed herself up. "At this point we should really-" She stumbled back as the door flew open in front of a group of men.
One of the older ones was talking extremely fast to his peer who held the shoulder of a young man. The boy looked sick. "I'm just saying considering his personality this is just a death sentence using the back door."
"Maybe you should say it louder, Lornya," the other growled. He brushed by her. "Sorry," he called, glancing back.
She shrugged as he pushed the silent young man into the idling car waiting at the curb. "That was the man on trial?" she asked as the car pulled away, not really expecting an answer.
"The kid was. The black man was a friend of the king until about two months ago. he told one of the princes what he needed to hear. Of course, nobles don't like hearing what they need to hear, so he was kicked out of the palace."
"He's lucky the boy wasn't killed out of spite," she murmured, turning to the guard.
Hitching his shoulder up for a moment, he muttered, "I dunno. Might have been hoping for it. The kid is in his way for a title."
There was a moment of companionable silence as they both reflected on the luck they'd had to avoid a similar fate.
"They let the kid go."
Scoffing, he shook his head. "Hardly. He's a tool. I have no idea what the throne is using him for, but the rumors are he's completely inept. They've probably sent him on some suicide mission."
She frowned and sighed before deciding to change the subject. "So…"
"No."
A gong rung, and Qui'in moved out of the way with a groan. So much for beating the nobles.
The guard opened the doors, and nobles soon filed out, laughing as if they hadn't just watched a boy's fate being decided.
She calmly ignored the women giving her dirty looks and the men pointedly avoiding her. Instead, she watched the younger lords with a lady or two interspersed who whispered together passionately.
"All of these people were let in easily enough."
The guard sighed and spoke without turning his head now that people were around to observe his attention. "I can see their faces.'
Resting a hand on his upper arm, she leaned towards him enough to make him uncomfortable. "If I was one of them, you'd let me in. Veil and all."
"Listen." His eyes darted toward her. "I'm not saying the world is fair, but I have a respectable job. I want to keep it."
She leaned her head against his shoulder. "I suppose that's honorable."
"Really, Qui, this is not necessary."
She promptly straightened and grinned. "But I get tired of waiting like your lap dog," she playfully whined, turning around.
The queen laughed, the smoky timbre that merely added to her attractiveness obvious. "You are far too unruly to be one of my lap dogs."
"I'll take that as a compliment."
"It was meant as one." She waved at the guard. "Let her through. You've done well." Embracing Qui'in quickly, she scanned the crowd of loitering nobles. "I've got to shake hands with the masses. I'll be with you momentarily."
Sticking her tongue out at the guard, Qui'in went through the door and took the twists and turns to the queen's chambers.
End of chapter
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Tealessence back for reviewing!
“Qui'in stood on the steps out of the huge palace doors, trying to look cool even as the heat waves rose off of the metal cars behind her. She knew she succeeded in such an impossible task as anyone could.” Okay, I like this. Opening with a new character. I’m also interesting in the setting… a palace in a place with lots of heat and and African American (?) king. The unknown genre is still getting to me a bit.
“Except, of course, for the 'ceremonial' guard standing at attention in front of the doors…” I like the quotation marks around “ceremonial”; it gives her a voice of sarcasm. Once again, already showing the personalities of your characters. Kudos again.
“She let out a slow breath, watching the veil in front of her face billow out.” She’s wearing a veil! The title of this work is “The Veil”, so I’m assuming this is going to be a very important character.
“… before the crowds of nobles poured out of the court room.” This tells me she is not a noble. A commoner perhaps?
“Instead of sneering at the guard, …” More revelation of character. She obviously doesn’t respect this guard. Maybe she doesn’t respect members of the monarchy either? This possibility makes me question why she wants to be present in the court every week. Note: I’m basically just describing my reactions in my reviews in hopes that showing them to you will help you gauge if you’re getting the reactions you want.
“She was glad she would never have to risk facing that surprise.” Interesting. So either she cannot have children or never plans to have children. I’m guessing from this that she is a solitary person.
“He stuck out the butt of his ceremonial spear and smiled when she tripped.” I see why she doesn’t like the guard. So your characters are nice and sympathetic, very good. (I’m already feeling like I’m in agreement with this character).
"Maybe you should say it louder, Lornya," the other growled. Ahh, I’m guessing this is Uncle Obi? And Lornya is Lekan’s mother? And the boy who looked sick is Lekan.
"They let the kid go." I’m not sure who’s talking here.
“Scoffing, he shook his head.” Is “he” the guard?
“ "Hardly. He's a tool. I have no idea what the throne is using him for, but the rumors are he's completely inept. They've probably sent him on some suicide mission." ” Using Lekan? Or that one black man? I’m a bit confused as to who’s probably being sent on a suicide mission, Lekan, or this black man, but I’m guessing it’s Lekan?
“…and nobles soon filed out, laughing as if they hadn't just watched a boy's fate being decided.” Okay so these nobles must have been watching Lekan’s sentencing. I don’t like the nobles.
“Instead, she watched the younger lords with a lady or two interspersed who whispered together passionately.” I especially like this description.
“ "I can see their faces.' ” <-- One of your quotation marks here is inconsistent with the other.
“Resting a hand on his upper arm, she leaned towards him enough to make him uncomfortable. "If I was one of them, you'd let me in. Veil and all." ” Haha, this made me smile. I’m really liking this Qui’in character.
“ "I'm not saying the world is fair, but I have a respectable job. I want to keep it." ” So he’s apparently not allowed to let her in before the nobles.
“ "Really, Qui, this is not necessary." ” Oh, what have we here? I wonder what kind of relationship these two have…
“The queen laughed…” Wait a minute… Qui’in is the queen??? Unless I’m making a mistake?
“ "It was meant as one." She waved at the guard. "Let her through. You've done well." ” Okay it looks like I was mistaken. Perhaps introduce the queen into the scene a bit more… clearly?
“Embracing Qui'in quickly, she scanned the crowd of loitering nobles. "I've got to shake hands with the masses. I'll be with you momentarily." ” I’m guessing this is the queen speaking? So she has a semi-romantic relationship with this guard? Or so it seems.
“Sticking her tongue out at the guard, Qui'in went through the door and took the twists and turns to the queen's chambers.” What? Why is Qui’in allowed in the queen’s chambers? Unless I made another mistake about the queen? I’m sorry to say I’m still confused.
Aside from the confusion it caused me, your writing is great and I still want to read more.
I felt this chapter was much more structured than the last, and I was able to follow it easier with less confusion. It also gave up a bit of setting establishment, and my guess of a middle eastern or Indian culture has further been confirmed though the use of Qui'in's name and the heat. As for time setting, I'm guessing this is based on some sort of imperial system, before modern ages, maybe at the dawn of invention of electricity technology, but everyone is still following traditions of sorts.
It took me two readings to realise he means the veil. I don't think 'crap' is a very good things to describe a veil as, even if its a negative thing. I literally imagined the character with crap on their face. Sorry.Anyway, that is my impression so far.
In the story, the one thing that did confuse me was when the queen entered? Was she there from the start? If so you should mention that, or did she enter later? Mention that too, I was reading and suddenly the queen said something, a queen I had no idea was there before.
Although your setting was much better in this chapter, I'd like to know what purpose Qui'in exists for. What is her task? Then again, that is probably obscured from the reader for a reason. I am asking myself whoo is she and what is she doing? Is she some sort of royal attendant on the steps of a place? It seems like that information was purposely omitted, so will hopefully be revealed in the coming chapters.
I am guessing the boy mentioned was Lakan, which makes sense, but it also makes last chapter more confusing. I had for some reason imagined Lakan outside, so I am really not sure what to comprehend of the first chapter at all.
Also wanted to say:
xP Don't be sorry. I'll consider changing the wording. Mm... It might be helpful for you to tell me what gave you the impression that Lekan was outside in the last chapter. Thank you again~
It might have been the 'gravel' which I seem to have misread.
Ooh. That makes sense. Sweet~
This all due for a major overhaul.
Don't go back until you're finished
Of course
I had to read this twice to form a good opinion, but now that I have, I commend you for this chapter. I'm eager to see the others and find out what else you have put into this book. The conversation was interesting and lifelike, and the people were fun to observe--well done. I have also found that I especially like Qui'in--her attitude and personality draw my attention, for some reason. I'm furthermore intrigued to see how she relates to Lekan. This is going to be good. I have one complaint: I would like some more descriptions of the scenery. I think, if you added some, they would much empower this part, which is already good. Other than that, thanks for this chapter.
Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!
Just a tiny comment here. Why is the word ceremonial in quotation marks here? I'm assuming that means that the guard isn't really ceremonial. I would like to be absolutely positive though. Maybe you could explain that a bit, just mention how he's there for almost no reason or whatever.
So...was that woman a mother of one of the criminals? Maybe that's not exactly something that Qui'in would know, but there has to be some way that you can let us know that that woman was the mother of a criminal. That would make it just a bit more clear.
So we get a better look at the government here in this chapter and that's a big thing. Well, I think so at least. It's all part of your world building. In order for us to understand the story, we need to understand the world that the story takes place in. And you're doing a good job showing us that. It might be in small pieces, but you're getting your point across. I look forward to learning more about this world your characters are in.
Now I'm left wondering about this girl Qui'in. My first impression of her is that she's quite rebellious and sly. It seems like she'll do anything to get passed that guard. First impressions are always important, even in writing. And I think you did a good job with Qui'in here.
Onto the next chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hey Megs! Silver back to review for you!
Well, again it seems that I have no nit picks for you so characters and content it is again!Firstly I'm going to say that I love your writing style and I love your characters' voices. Both Qu'in and Lekan so far have been splendid to read. You've also provided us with some insight to what the queen is like.
Just to let you know, I have read ahead to part two so my reviews for both parts will refer to content in both parts. I know this might be a pain but it's the best way or me to review it.
I find Qui'in fascinating, I'm guessing that she's an escort? I like her attitude and personality. She seems will-full and vibrant in the beginning but is reduced to:
Making her seem somewhat small and timid. Also the veil she wears... is it The Veil? As in title of the story veil? You did a good job at portraying how everyone around her treated her fairly poorly, with even the queen speaking to her in somewhat a blunt and rude-ish manner.
The queen doesn't seem very likeable at the moment with what her scheming and the fact that she seems to have forgotten the life she lead in poverty (as all celebrities do).
I'm interested to see how this will go. See you in the next chapter! Keep it up and happy writing!
Silverlock
Yo Egs,
~ No?Shady back to read and review the next bit of your story~
~ This feels a bit like a run-on sentence. It's not entirely clear. Perhaps try to rephrase and/or re-punctuate?
~ Heheh, yes, I like the way she thinks.
~ Haha, I like him too. Well done.
~ That's a parenthetical statement, no?
~ Hahah, I really like these two. Their exchanges are pretty priceless.
~ She is such a child. <3
~
Okay!
I liked this chapter even more than I liked your first. The interaction between Qui'in and the guard is absolutely adorable. I love how they're both being so bratty. It was a lot of fun to read about, and I feel like it really aided to their character development. Is the guard going to be coming up again anytime? I really hope he does, and if he's going to, then you might name him. I want to know what his name is regardless, though, I know that's not practical if he doesn't come back.
On to chapter three...
~Shady
Hey Megsug! Apologies for the delay. Lots of positives this week.
Dialogue
"Of course, nobles don't like hearing what they need to hear, so he was kicked out of the palace" Pftahaha! I love this line so much. Your dialogue is sharp and it really gives an edge to your work.
Qui'in and The Guard
There is something really odd about the relationship between these two. When I was a kid I remember this dinner lady who would always correct my speech and make me say 'can I have a bottle of water please' instead of 'wa'er pliz.' I can't remember her name, but for some odd reason she's someone I think of quite fondly.
When I see Qui'in and the guard it kind of reminds me like that. Even though the guard doesn't have a name, their over familiarity is endearing and it really brings life into your story.
Improvement!
In the last chapter I mentioned that your sentences and paragraphs needed some variation, and I couldn't be more impressed by how much you've turned that around. The effort shows and it's brought a huge boost to your writing! Well done =]
Now, for that not-dialogue...
This piece is heavy on dialogue and speech tags. There are some quirky moments that you could animate a lot more with a bit more focus on what's going on.
For example, when the guard sticks out the butt of his spear and Qui-in trips over it. I really like this, and I think you could put more into it. Like, is she the kind of person to find her footing quickly, or does she flail like a stranded fish?
When she wonders what he looks like off duty, you could delve into it more and talk about what it is she imagines him to be like.
Overall
I really like the characters so far. They're all so unique, and I can't wait to see how they tie themselves together!
Hey there!! Cricket here for a review!!!
I shall begin with the nitpicks!!! Odd.. I can't find any!!
oohhh, here's one..
Paragraphing!! I think you need to work on it a little. It's not that bad though; it just needs to brushed up on, is all.
This is too short for a paragraph. It needs to be inserted into a different paragraph or needs adding on to it.
Same problem here!! It's no big deal though. Just needs a little brushing up on.
This sentence seemed a little awkward when I read it out loud to myself. I think it needs to be re-worded a bit.
Now I know this probably just sounds like me being stupid or something, but why exactly did he say "no"? Sorry, but I don't really understand why, he said it.
OK, that's it!!! You're paragraphing really is quite good. It's just those few spots that if you run over the work real quick, then you'll find them. Other than that... EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!!! The plot looks like it's coming out beautifully!!
Anyway, hope I helped you!!!
Nice work! Even if it is a rough draft, it's pretty nicely polished already.
After reading the first one, I was wondering whether this story is supposed to be modern/ancient? Or maybe steam-punk styled?
After reading this, I came up with a conclusion...
That guard gives out quite a lot of information to random people. Maybe a bit too much information to someone who is trying to get in? Even if she does come every week, he still doesn't know her personally, does he?
This must be really good, because I'm usually very picky about plots and grammar, but I couldn't seem to find anything major!
I really like the character of Qui'in. I don't even know how to describe her, but she seems like the kind person to engage in witty banter.
Keep up the good work!