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A Piece of Me

by aouther2b


Here, have a piece of my heart.

Didn’t you know it was yours from the start?

Now that you have it, what will you do?

And will I be given a piece of what I’ve given you?

No, you’re right, that wouldn’t be fair.

I could never handle its care.

But you’ll take care of mine right,

Love it, cracks and all, hold it tight?

Yes, I think I can trust you with this piece.

Even though everyone else I’ve given one to leaves.

But you will stay, won’t you dear,

And take away my deepest fear.

Never letting me awaken from this dream,

Where everything is not as it seems.

Because if my eyes are open like my heart,

That is when you can tear me apart.


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285 Reviews


Points: 237
Reviews: 285

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Sun Jan 26, 2014 5:30 am
GreenTulip wrote a review...



okay, I am going to offer you a piece of advice on how you can split this into stanza's.

Here, have a piece of my heart.

Didn’t you know it was yours from the start?

Now that you have it, what will you do?


And will I be given a piece of what I’ve given you?

No, you’re right, that wouldn’t be fair.

I could never handle its care.


But you’ll take care of mine right,

Love it, cracks and all, hold it tight?

Yes, I think I can trust you with this piece.

Even though everyone else I’ve given one to leaves.


But you will stay, won’t you dear,

And take away my deepest fear.


Never letting me awaken from this dream,

Where everything is not as it seems.

Because if my eyes are open like my heart,

That is when you can tear me apart.


This is how I recommend that you put your poem into stanzas if you wish. I have nothing else to say expect that this is a well written chapter. Good job, well done. From GreenTulip, have a good night/morning.




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409 Reviews


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Sun Jan 26, 2014 5:24 am
Willard wrote a review...



Strange here, and I have a review for you this marvelous review day!
The main theme of this poem is vulnerability. It shows that one wears their hearts on their sleeve, making it an open chance for the interest to take it. It shows that you love and trust them, but at the end, they betray you. They grab a knife, change their name to Jack, and tear you right open. A wolf in sheep's clothing is what it's called. The flow, the pattern, the idea all fits in together, like a three piece puzzle
Overall, great job. Hope to see more from you!
Great job
Keep writing
Stay Groovy
8.9/10

-The Middle approves-




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472 Reviews


Points: 336
Reviews: 472

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Mon Jan 13, 2014 11:46 am
Wisteria wrote a review...



Hi aouther2b, Sublte here for a review on this fine day! This is a wonderful and intimate poem you have written there and I praise you on that. I also adore the message in this poem, it shows just how fragile we all in. Especially girls and especially their feelings, and also the rhyme in this poem does not seem forced. And adds to the poem quite nicely.

So, on with the technical things. I notice you didn't separate the poem into stanzas, so I recommend that for this poem. If you did, it would make it more powerful.

And will I be given a piece of what I’ve given you?

No, you’re right, that wouldn’t be fair.


Separate these and I'm sure if you went through the poem, you can find them where you want to separate them.

Even though everyone else I’ve given one to leaves.


This sentence was quite confusing, what exactly do you mean by. 'one to leaves?' Also this line does not fit in with the rest of the poem, it interrupts the flow so think about how you want to shape this.


The good things:

But you will stay, won’t you dear,

And take away my deepest fear.


I love this! Is so raw and lyrical at the same time, beautiful! And also the ending, is wonderful!

Great poem! keep up the good work!

-S.s




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Sun Jan 12, 2014 11:13 pm
froth wrote a review...



I like the idea of this poem, told by a trusting person, who, no matter how many times they have their heart broken, continues to entrust it countless times to different people. I love the rhymes because they don't seem forced, but just flow with the rhythm of the piece. Here are some little things I noticed while reading:

Now that you have it, what will you do?
And will I be given a piece of what I've given you?
Something about this line I don't like that much. The first line is great, but the second is a bit repetitive and unclear, making it seem like the narrator wants a piece of her own part, but I think you're referring to the person she's speaking to. I don't know, just a thought.

But you’ll take care of mine(,) right,
Here just add another comma after "mine."

Even though everyone else I’ve given one to leaves.
This line seems longer, bulkier, less flowing than the rest of the poem. It interrupts the rhythm. You could make it two lines, maybe, or shorten it in another way.

But you will stay, won’t you(,) dear,
Add another comma after "you," maybe.

I loved this poem!!! Especially the ending! Great work!





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— alliyah