I think I’ll fill up
all these empty spaces between my floorboards
with handfuls of confetti,
and spray-paint the walls of the sky
a dull gold that embraces the star-light;
because the grey graffiti of the world
and all its stark newspaper prints
frighten me.
I’ll knit my fireplace
a softened shawl
in varying shades of purple
and watch it snuggle up
to keep itself warm.
But my heart of hearts
feels the sudden chill,
so frosty blankets fly.
I’ll cobble together a broomstick
made from broken comets
and sweep up all the dust
that dances around me,
then watch as it completes its act
and goes drifting out the window -
it never bothered to say “goodbye.”
I think I’ll sketch
old Chinese caricatures
and cover the walls of my bedroom
with ancient hieroglyphs;
shattered knobs of glass that sway
from my ceiling
and ask me to join them.
And I’ll laugh
as these old thatched-up frames
beckon to me,
and the house creaks
in an insane mournful melody.
"Seep through me, hourglass,"
I say,
"for this shell is to me a home."
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138,377 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
Hello!
This poem had some really fantastic imagery. Although to me, it kind of felt like you were just writing pretty (they were honestly beautiful) words down with little meaning. Sorry if this isn't true, but I think if you really honed down on what your idea is, this could be even more fantastic.
Because I don't know what you were trying to say by listing all these beautiful objects, this'll have to be a purely technical review.
I noticed your description of this poem was: "I redefine renovation, and yet I change nothing for every shell is a home to the sea." And I thought that was really beautiful, and that's why I was drawn into this poem, especially the last part of that sentence. Like, the sea lives in every shell, because every shell is like a container, like a home, and the sea floods every real sea shell at some point. I think if you brought more of the shells into the rest of the poem (you really only talk about them toward the end) that would bring this poem full circle.
Stanza one:
I like the idea of brightening up the dark world with confetti and golden spray paint. This is a very cheerful stanza, and one gets the sense that the narrator might be a little crazy, because who honestly thinks they can spray paint the sky? That is, unless it's a metaphor that's way above my head. Maybe your theme should play off of the idea that someone can make the world brighter by doing impossible, yet material and physical things. I think that the imagery in this stanza is some of my favorite in this poem.
Stanza two:
I really liked this stanza, and it kind of made a little bit of sense to me until the last two lines. I thought it was ironic that the narrator was concerned about keeping the fireplace warm. Any talk of keeping other people (or objects) warm makes me feel like whoever's doing the keeping warm is a really nice person, so maybe again the narrator is making the world better by doing these crazy things. Even a fireplace can feel loved. I also liked how you said specifically that the yarn was purple.
But as I said before, the last couple lines:
don't really make sense to me. Are the "frosty blankets" snow? What happened to that fireplace? Is the "heart feeling a chill" symbolic for not wanting to be nice any more? hm...
Stanza three:
I really like this stanza tooo! Comets are really cool in poetry, and I like how you made a reference to their dust. I think it might be cool if you put "and sweep up all the star dust" because then people will know it's coming from the comet. Unless it's not of course.
I like pretty much everything in this stanza and there's not much to critique.
Stanza four:
Are you sure you meant caricatures? I didn't know that the Chinese had caricatures, maybe you meant calligraphy? Anywho, I didn't really understand any of this stanza, but it had nice images. Again, it was mostly the last part of this stanza that confused me. The first part made a little sense. I mean, how do "shattered knobs of glass that sway from your ceiling ask you to join them?" I dunno.
Stanza five:
I'm not quite sure what you mean by a "thatched-up frame," or how an hourglass can sweep through someone, but everything else was really wonderful. I liked it. The last line compared with the little description you wrote makes me think that the narrator might be the sea...?
Anyway, I hope this review helped you somewhat.
I really enjoyed reading this. It was different then most poems, so I applaud you on originality.
Great work, keep writing!
~fortis
I am here to review as requested.
I honestly am having trouble with reviewing this. The form is perfect (to me at least) and speaks like a madman trying to explain his world. (Which is very humorous but deepening)
My favorite stanza is the last one. It calls out in the dark for the wanderer to find. Great job on writing this!
<3
Before reading this, I wasn't expecting much because you said it was "rough" in the description. However, I think this is pure perfection! You make so many references, and your imagery is incredible!
"I’ll cobble together a broomstick
made from broken comets
and sweep up all the dust
that dances around me,"
That part completely captivated me! I read the whole poem four or five times before writing my review, because its so good that I want to remember it! I am a fan(:
Keep up the good work!
Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked it.
hey..!
I think it is wonderful, your poem. So beautiful. All of the stanzas are amazing, but the first stanza to me is the most beautiful. Your writing style is so good, all the words fit together to produce a perfect harmony. Honestly, I loved it and cannot pin- point to even a single flaw. Looking forward to more..
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the poem.