The unspoken words that
had a vice grip on her throat
and the broken heart you'd given her
are the things you'll never know.
Because, all she could see
was your back to her face
as your footsteps took you farther,
farther from this place.
You had left her there,
with an invisible noose on her neck,
tightning just a little more
with each step you trecked.
The shattered girl
who you left in the dark
she left this messed up world,
but remains there in you heart.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi aouther2b!
Just dropping by for a review on review day! This poem is really sad. It has a melancholic feel to it that I can't seem to shake. We've all been hurt before, but not many like the girl in the story. You do an amazing job conveying emotions with few words, and it makes a impact. There isn't much to critique about this poem, mostly because it is just so well written. I would only say something that's merely an opinion. Maybe instead of "You had left her there,
with an invisible noose on her neck,
tightning just a little more
with each step you trecked." you could take out the with so it was just an invisible noose on her neck. Also, the sudden rhyme threw me off a bit, but at the same time I really like your word choice, so that's a dilemma. I think that it's trekked and tightening. And at the end, you accidentally forgot the r in your heart. Anyways, enough of my rambling. I loved it. Thanks for sharing and keep writing!
-Storygirl95
Hello! It's yubbies21 here with a review!
The rhyming scheme didn't seem forced, so that's excellent!
Just one little nitpick...
you should be changed to your...
This is an excellent poem, aouther2b! You should be proud of it!
Happy Review Day!
yubbies21
Hi aouther2b, Dream here with quick review on your poem.
Your poem is quite sad when it ended with unpleasant things. You're talking about the shattered lady who left by him.It is not hard to understand the poem as you use diction that simple yet still able to attract the attention of the reader. Diction that's been a sad impact to the reader. You managed to do it. Good job!
Is it means that this girl committed suicide after he left her? I am impressed with the last two lines that says' even though she had left the world which painful, she will remain in his heart (which actually is a regret in his heart?)
Overall, good poem to read. Tragic and dark. Keep it up.
Kudos,cheers
I love this piece. It's perfectly written everything is captured perfectly the emotion the setting everything. The only bad thing about it is that's its nitnlongerbi seriously could have read something with this kind of flow and feels for days. Awesome poem does not need critiquing for the material or anything. A short simple and elegant piece.