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To See You Leave

by aouther2b

I know you need to walk away,
but all I want is for you to stay.
It’s rather selfish, and I think
maybe you leaving will push me to the brink.
A gun is pressed to my head.
Is it bad I wish myself dead?
Then there wouldn’t be a choice
and my unsaid goodbye would be just noise.
Please trust this when I go,
You got the closest anyone will ever know.

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43 Reviews

Points: 426
Reviews: 43

Sun Oct 27, 2013 12:14 pm
paula08 wrote a review...

Hey, this is me reviewing you short poem :)

So, to start off I really liked the first three verses since although no emotions are spoken in literal words, these verses reflect a lot of feelings. From then onwards the poem is immediately diverted for a tragic end. If, I were you I would add more feelings towards this person before revealing the thought of committing suicide. Maybe you could recall moments which made the person unique. These would add sparks to your poem making the reader pity the speaker more when he decides to commit suicide. More emotions would make the love for the leaving person more realistic. This would make the reader feel the speakers feelings whilst reading the poem. Like that the poem would be more effective.

The part of the suicide is really romantic yet depressing. Overall I think that it is a good poem but it can be improved as everything. I love the last two verses since they contain a significant meaning which in my opinion is very heart touching.


-from me

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44 Reviews

Points: 435
Reviews: 44

Sat Oct 19, 2013 1:32 pm
ivyLeonora wrote a review...

This poem is tragically beautiful. The way in which you have written it makes me want to cry a whole rive. It is a very sad poem and you've achieved something I call the 3 S': SWEET, SHORT and SIMPLE, so well done.
The rhyme scheme is very cleverly done and the meaning really reaches out to the reader, so well done, an amazing piece of writing.

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42 Reviews

Points: 244
Reviews: 42

Mon Oct 14, 2013 3:39 am
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Storygirl95 wrote a review...

Hi aouther2b!
This poem is great at displaying the sadness and lost feeling the character is having. I really liked how you condensed such emotion into so few words. Like Niteowl said, the only advice I really have is to watch the word flow. For example, instead of "but all I want is for you to stay" you could cut out the "for" so that it would be eight syllables. It creates a halt in the reading. Maybe that's what you wanted, maybe it's not. Try reading it out loud to yourself or others and see if you can detect any problems. Anyway, it was still a good poem. I can imagine someone left behind reading it like a letter. Thanks for sharing it. Keep writing!

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Mon Oct 14, 2013 3:14 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there aouther2b! Nite here to review.

Overall, I think the rhyming is really holding the piece back. I tend to suggest that such pieces go free verse, but here I think it could work if you refocus on not just the rhyme, but a meter. Lines that rhyme but don't match well in line lengths sound really clunky, like this

It’s rather selfish, the more I think,
and maybe you leaving will push me from the brink

First line 9 syllables, second line 17 syllables (almost twice as long!). Possible solutions involve cutting the second line, adding to the first, or both. One suggestion:

It may be selfish, but now I think
losing you will push me past the brink.

It's not easy (I know, I've been experimenting with structured forms and it is a pain!), but it definitely makes the piece flow better.

Also, be careful with forced rhymes. If a rhyme is making you write lines that make little sense, rethink the rhyme. The "unsaid goodbye would be just noise" line felt rather forced to me.

Overall, this does show a lot of emotion, but I'd suggest either going free verse or putting more thought into the structure. Keep writing! :)

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66 Reviews

Points: 569
Reviews: 66

Sun Oct 13, 2013 11:09 pm
RainbowPowerPonies wrote a review...

Hi, my name is CrystalPony21 and I reviewed your work so... here's what I thought I guess!

First this part didn't make sense: "You got the closest anyone will ever know." Maybe this was just me but I didn't understand. Great rhyming by the way! Anyway, you didn't spell anything wrong. No grammar mistakes. Spell check much? Great work though! This was amazing!!!! Anyway I'm looking forward to reading more of your works which I can easily find, I liked this one because it got straight to the meaning. I could practically feel your pain of a loved one leaving as I read this. This was awesome! Keep writing, I'll keep reading! ;) See your work in a Barnes and Noble

Stupidity's the deliberate cultivation of ignorance.
— William Gaddis