Young Writers Society

Ok I have seen so many poems on this site saying something about "I tried" and it gets to the point where it is overused and bears not meaning, especially personal. The try and cry rhyme is completely clich in this sense.

Ok so I stared with some harshness but overall I liked the poem. I liked the fact that you adressed each member of the family and there are some lovely lines in there.

When writing sad poetry you really have totough and connect to the reader. This seems personal to the narrator but for a reader this just had no impact on me. I didn't really feel anything. You need to work on the relationship you make through the words. You need toforce the reader to care.

Great poem, but I agree with nightyowl that it sounds a bit clichè. It could use some editing as well, some lines sound as if you were trying to say something that maybe you didn't mean.

For instance: “I never wanted to make you cry
And trust me when I say I tried,
sounds a lot like you're sorry you made them cry, but it was on purpose. Or maybe that is what you meant to say and it has some deeper meaning to it...like you'reyou've apologizing for all the Times you mercilessly made them cry?

Overall though, it was super good and I loved it! Keep writing!

I think this is well written, however, I think it's cliche. No offense, but it sounds suicidal. Grant-it I have my own suicidal-ish cliched poems, which is why I can tell you this. The sooner you get away from the cliche, the better your writing will be. I do like this, very much. But I also think that you should elaborate more on it in some places. Of course I do know that it is a poem and you can't elaborate in a poem that much since it's you know... a poem meant for feeling and images, but it can be elaborate on in some places. If you want it to be widely... relate able that is. If it's a poem to express yourself and only meant for your own understanding it's fine. However if you want others to be able to relate to it, I suggest elaborating a bit. For instance: What made you give up the fight? What makes your sister stronger? Why weren't you happy with your friends? What did you do that made your family cry? At this point, only people who know this kind of thing (Me being one of them) can relate to the poem. So... if you want to make it better and more relate able to others, try putting some more feeling to it. Some images. I hope that helps and I wasn't too harsh sounding and bitchy sounding... ^.^
~ Nightlyowl

Wow, it's amazing!!! This poem is majorly heartfelt

Excuse me, but there is no revision to be done here.

I could pick at this as finely as I liked. I could make subjective suggestions and force my weak and uncertain considerations. But this is an emotional and capable piece.

It is memorable, cerebral, potent. To speak of it as mere text would be ridicule.

All there is potential for here, is expansion. Certainly consider elaborating. You have a brilliant skeleton, one which stands just as it is. But it could be fleshed out. Beautified. Humanized. Elaborate, ornate, even palatial. Build your skeleton a mansion, give it breath and life. Right now, this is the introduction - the beginning - of an opus.

So consider those thoughts, and maybe when you add some words you'll slip up a few times. Then I can come back and be nitpicky, break apart your stanzas, and tell you it's not so good after all. But that's a sure sign it's getting better. A broken arm heals back stronger.

In other words, go break your arm! Metaphorically!

Be forever hortatory,
~Skorlir