Lightning bugs are nature’s fireworks,
but instead of going off with a whizz and a bang,
they leave with a buzz and a flutter.
And they live long past the time
when their light has faded from your mind.
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hey! Its Sweet (also known as Bell from MLP)!!
This is really good! It's simply amazing. I love fireflies and this makes me feel like I just met a firefly, which I know isn't possible but still.
I love how you said:
"they leave with a buzz and a flutter."
I just love it!
Everything about this is brilliant and shall I say RADIANT.
Your a really good writer, Fortis!
Keep writing!!!
~Sweet
Aley here!
I'm going to cut right to the chase since this poem doesn't beat around the bush either.
The "And" in the fourth line is breaking up the sentence structure because there is nothing for it to be a conjunction with. While it does help the flow a little bit by giving us a nice down-beat, it doesn't help out enough to warrant being there. If you do cut it out, then you might want to consider leaving up to "when their light" up a line so that we get that nice collective of lives and light.
About the flow, I think it's a little weird, but acceptable how your flow changes from something more of a two beat, to a three step. When we start out we get
"LIGHT-ning-BUGS are NAture's FI-ER-works"
but this changes to a much more da da DUN beat in the second line
"but inSTEAD of GOing OFF with a WHIZZ and a BANG"
and this sort of beat doesn't really stay either.
"they LEAVE with a BUZZ and a FLUTter"
and they LIVE long PAST the TIME
when their LIGHT has FAded from YOUR MIND.
Seeing how most of these start on a down beat,, the first line is off, but that line actually works the best for me. I think it's because of it having more consistency with everything but "fireworks."
To clean it up a little, I'd look for ways to get rid of double down beats like "and a" or, a way to create more unison between the starts of these lines.
Honestly, it's not a big thing. I love the words you use, though "flutter" seems a little weak, and how you go about composing so much information into such a clean poem. I just think that this is something you could improve upon in this poem. Not only would it give you the challenge to work out some of these words and possibly cut it down farther, make it quicker [like a flash of lightning] but it would press you to really say what you mean.
I'd also suggest playing with line breaks because I think this would be a lot more symbolic if it was less like a block of light, and more like a lightning bolt ^.- Just a thought.
Aw this was a very nice read. It brightened up my day
I love how you drew the connection between the lighting bugs and fireworks. I've never thought of that before, but it was really a brilliant thing to do. I really really enjoyed the analogy you made there.
The only thing I can say about this is I wish it was longer! I would have loved to read more of this.
Well done!