I loved you. I really did. I remember the times we had together, hugging until the sun got tired of us every afternoon, sprinting across the beach as if we had no troubles at all. Freedom. You felt so relaxed running across the sand to the blue ocean every summer. We had such fun times. We did everything together, even things we never wanted to do. Me being terrified of heights came rock climbing with you, conquering that fear. It felt so self-discovering to be up on the cliffs, gazing down onto the world. I look back on the 6 years we shared together...we were going to start a family too, opening a new pair of eyes to this gorgeous place we met. Treating our child with only the best parents and taking them to places we grew up as toddlers, travelling to our favourite holiday destinations: Canada, Rome, Ibiza, California...but it’s over. Everything is.
I still can’t imagine a world with you missing; ever since cancer stole you from me I have never been able to smile. It broke me completely, I just can’t tell myself that you’re gone...but you are. There isn’t any way of you ever coming back to me, if only we noticed the lump sooner...you could still be here, running, cuddling and living by my side. It tears me apart to know that a disease took your opportunity of life.
Recently, I have been thinking about moving on and finding myself a new person to love, but I’m just not ready. I really want a family, but it only made sense with you: no man could ever carry me as strongly as you did… I can’t just betray 6 joyful years for a heartbreaker. We were so different...unlike every other relationship I had before. I can’t do this without you...I just can’t give myself motivation to carry on with my life, you were my only support I had. Got me through my depression better than a therapist ever could, treated every anxiety attack like it mattered...since you left it has got so much worse. Pain is the only word to describe it. Just pain. My friends haven't known what to do, they just don’t get the pure exhaustion of not having you beside me 24/7. My best friend - you know Georgie - has tried to help me with grieving, but I can tell she isn't knowing of the actual harsh impact of you passing.
I haven’t told anyone...but smoking has become more and more regular in my life. I popped a cigarette every once in a while, however never to the extent of around 7 a day. I have been getting through more than 3 boxes a week and I just can’t seem to stop. It has transformed to an addiction rather than an irregular soother. I know you hate the smell of smoke and nicotine and I despise my own mind for making me do this so often, but it is the only thing helping me cope… I need help from people but I have no clue who to go for to get support and possibly even thoughts on quitting. I am quickly ruining my life: I just do not understand how to stop myself from this intensifying urge to smoke an abstract anger out of my failing lungs.
I really miss you. And I always will, I don’t know if I will ever be able to move on...it just hurts too much to show someone else the love you trusted me with. Afterall, I still have your heart, I refuse to let it escape me just yet. Please come home baby. I need your hand in mine again...your lips on mine...your happiness in me. Please, please come back to me. You can do it, I don’t know how but you can. You can return to me somehow…
(rest in peace my darling x)
It's Georgie here. Around a month since Sam wrote her last extract...We lost her to a fatal heart attack a few hours ago...the paramedics said it to be due to excessive smoking, I never knew she was addicted to this extent.
I just found this piece of writing Sam wrote, it broke me to see my best friend feeling this way. If only I could have helped her through this; I just didn’t understand how I could give her someone she has lost. Her partner was a good man, always good to her just as she deserved. Always smiling, laughing, joking even through his chemotherapy treatment. You wouldn’t have guessed he was suffering so much just because of his greatness in both his and our lives.
I hate to say this, but I thought it was my place to write this to finish off what she started. Sam passed this morning. She couldn’t take the pain any longer, every cigarette she blew added up into a heart attack. We knew she was regularly smoking, however we never fully knew she was having at least 5 cigarettes per day. We found many empty boxes of them, along with a disgusting smell of smoke about her house. I can’t bear to say I could have saved her….but honestly I wasn’t aware of what was really going on. I guess it’s because mourning gets mixed up with extreme mental pain a lot. We all assumed it was her loss having a bit of an effect on her...not an addiction too.
Rest in peace Sam and her beautiful lover. May you love each other in heaven and find your happiness once again together. I will always adore you and promise to bring you flowers every weekend and be there whenever you need a little rant to your best friend. And as she wrote
(Rest in peace my two darlings x)