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I miss you...and now I miss myself

by YourFriendQuirks08


18/4/19

I loved you. I really did. I remember the times we had together, hugging until the sun got tired of us every afternoon, sprinting across the beach as if we had no troubles at all. Freedom. You felt so relaxed running across the sand to the blue ocean every summer. We had such fun times. We did everything together, even things we never wanted to do. Me being terrified of heights came rock climbing with you, conquering that fear. It felt so self-discovering to be up on the cliffs, gazing down onto the world. I look back on the 6 years we shared together...we were going to start a family too, opening a new pair of eyes to this gorgeous place we met. Treating our child with only the best parents and taking them to places we grew up as toddlers, travelling to our favourite holiday destinations: Canada, Rome, Ibiza, California...but it’s over. Everything is.

-

I still can’t imagine a world with you missing; ever since cancer stole you from me I have never been able to smile. It broke me completely, I just can’t tell myself that you’re gone...but you are. There isn’t any way of you ever coming back to me, if only we noticed the lump sooner...you could still be here, running, cuddling and living by my side. It tears me apart to know that a disease took your opportunity of life.

-

Recently, I have been thinking about moving on and finding myself a new person to love, but I’m just not ready. I really want a family, but it only made sense with you: no man could ever carry me as strongly as you did… I can’t just betray 6 joyful years for a heartbreaker. We were so different...unlike every other relationship I had before. I can’t do this without you...I just can’t give myself motivation to carry on with my life, you were my only support I had. Got me through my depression better than a therapist ever could, treated every anxiety attack like it mattered...since you left it has got so much worse. Pain is the only word to describe it. Just pain. My friends haven't known what to do, they just don’t get the pure exhaustion of not having you beside me 24/7. My best friend - you know Georgie - has tried to help me with grieving, but I can tell she isn't knowing of the actual harsh impact of you passing.

-

I haven’t told anyone...but smoking has become more and more regular in my life. I popped a cigarette every once in a while, however never to the extent of around 7 a day. I have been getting through more than 3 boxes a week and I just can’t seem to stop. It has transformed to an addiction rather than an irregular soother. I know you hate the smell of smoke and nicotine and I despise my own mind for making me do this so often, but it is the only thing helping me cope… I need help from people but I have no clue who to go for to get support and possibly even thoughts on quitting. I am quickly ruining my life: I just do not understand how to stop myself from this intensifying urge to smoke an abstract anger out of my failing lungs.

-

I really miss you. And I always will, I don’t know if I will ever be able to move on...it just hurts too much to show someone else the love you trusted me with. Afterall, I still have your heart, I refuse to let it escape me just yet. Please come home baby. I need your hand in mine again...your lips on mine...your happiness in me. Please, please come back to me. You can do it, I don’t know how but you can. You can return to me somehow…

(rest in peace my darling x)

Samantha x

-

29/5/19

It's Georgie here. Around a month since Sam wrote her last extract...We lost her to a fatal heart attack a few hours ago...the paramedics said it to be due to excessive smoking, I never knew she was addicted to this extent. 

I just found this piece of writing Sam wrote, it broke me to see my best friend feeling this way. If only I could have helped her through this; I just didn’t understand how I could give her someone she has lost. Her partner was a good man, always good to her just as she deserved. Always smiling, laughing, joking even through his chemotherapy treatment. You wouldn’t have guessed he was suffering so much just because of his greatness in both his and our lives.

-

I hate to say this, but I thought it was my place to write this to finish off what she started. Sam passed this morning. She couldn’t take the pain any longer, every cigarette she blew added up into a heart attack. We knew she was regularly smoking, however we never fully knew she was having at least 5 cigarettes per day. We found many empty boxes of them, along with a disgusting smell of smoke about her house. I can’t bear to say I could have saved her….but honestly I wasn’t aware of what was really going on. I guess it’s because mourning gets mixed up with extreme mental pain a lot. We all assumed it was her loss having a bit of an effect on her...not an addiction too.

Rest in peace Sam and her beautiful lover. May you love each other in heaven and find your happiness once again together. I will always adore you and promise to bring you flowers every weekend and be there whenever you need a little rant to your best friend. And as she wrote

(Rest in peace my two darlings x)

Georgie x


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Sun Aug 08, 2021 2:35 pm
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a really sad and yet beautiful story. The emotions that run throughout the piece are so raw and genuine that I could almost feel Samantha's pain and heartbreak. Losing someone is hard enough as it is, but losing someone to a disease that they had no control over, that is just cruel and unfair. The first part where Samantha was narrating was really good. You made us connect with her and empathize for her loss. First you establish the strength of their relationship by picking out some memories and then you explore her feelings, her loss. That was a really great move, because it made us connect with both the characters and helped us understand her grief on a deeper level.

I have a suggestion though. Since, Samantha eventually passes because of her smoking addiction, you might want to delve a bit into that a little deeper. You did dedicate one paragraph to it, but I feel a mention here and there before that would make her death even more believable, her addiction more understandable. It's just a suggestion though.

Also, the part where Georgie narrates the story was a bit clipped and abrupt. We don't know her as we know Sam, and that just makes it a little hard to connect with her and understand her grief at the passing of her two friends. Maybe you could expand on that a little?

Now some grammatical errors I noticed ( these may mostly be nitpicks, so I apologize in advance):

You felt so relaxed running across the sand to the blue ocean every summer.


Since Samantha is talking about her lover, I think that 'looked' will work better in place of 'felt'. He was his own person; there was no way for her to know how he felt, only how he looked to her in that moment.

Treating our child with only the best parents and taking them to places we grew up as toddlers,


The first part of this sentence sounds a little awkward. I think "Being the best parents to our child and taking them to places we grew up as toddlers" works better. It's your story though, so whatever seems better to you.

you were my only support I had.


The 'my' will be 'the' here. If you use 'my' then the 'I had' in the later half of the sentence stands with no purpose. It should be '' You were my only support'' or "You were the only support I had".

I need help from people but I have no clue who to go for to get support


This sentence again feels a little awkward. I would suggest erasing the 'to get' from the sentence so that it simply reads: " I need help from people but I have no clue who to go to for support."

That's all.

Again, this was a really great read. Most of your works are pretty emotional (no offence!) and I think that is your strong suit. You are wonderful at portraying all the emotions and I look forward to reading more of your works.

Keep writing and have a great day!




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Mon Jul 12, 2021 9:34 am
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi YourFriendQuirks08,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

This is an extremely sad story that you have written here in epistolary form. You tell in your own way, in your own style, one goodbye and how it led to the next. I love the way you've rendered it in this way and how from the little information the reader gets, they can imagine so many beautiful moments together before everything goes to pieces.

You have taken up an interesting subject and I liked the way you presented it. By naming the characters, you created empathy in the reader and the way you described it appealed to many readers. I like how you describe the process of parting and grieving and how it goes from one hole of depression to another hole of addiction. I liked that transition and also how the letter paused between those two sections, as if it had been a while since it started.

I did find the second half a little too similar from the first half though. You're writing it from the point of view of two different people here and I think you need to try a little bit to give them both their own identity and show that in the writing style. When reading, I had the impression that it was still Samantha who was writing. Nevertheless, it was an extremely good story with a deep insight into the psyche of grief.

Other points that caught my eye:

I remember the times we had together, hugging until the sun got tired of us every afternoon, sprinting across the beach as if we had no troubles at all.

I like this description of how you portray the sun as a personification. It also shows me that this love was more intimate than anything else and even a storm could come up, but her sun would keep shining.

we were going to start a family too, opening a new pair of eyes to this gorgeous place we met.

Again, I like the descriptions of a newborn child as a "new pair of eyes". The approach here, to now be happy as a third, shows all the planning that was already in place.

I have been thinking about moving on and finding myself a new person to love, but I'm just not ready. I really want a family, but it only made sense with you:

Again, I like how Samantha gets over her grief, yet keeps falling off the wagon, afraid of the unknown future and the possible beautiful new memories she could make. I think you've done a good job of portraying how the brain works here. It would rather stay stuck in the memories of the good times than get involved in something new for fear it might fall into a deep hole again.

I can't just betray 6 joyful years for a heartbreaker.

Here and later you write the numbers in numerals, but I think it's better for the structure if you write the numbers out.

It has transformed to an addiction rather than an irregular soother.

I like the approach here, how Samantha realises it's an addiction but can't manage to get out of it.

We knew she was regularly smoking, however we never fully knew she was having at least 5 cigarettes per day.

In Samantha's letter it is written that it was never more than seven. I think you need to bring some clarity to that.

It was a great but sad story. I liked it a lot. :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice






Thank you so much! I really do need to add more identity to both characters so maybe soon I'll rewrite Georgie's part!
Thank you for reviewing,
Rubes



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Sat Jul 10, 2021 8:24 pm
Elinor wrote a review...



Hey YourFriendQuirks08!

My name is Elinor, and I thought that I would drop by to give your short story a quick review. Firstly, thank you for sharing us. I enjoyed reading it, and I enjoyed your commitment to telling a story about such a difficult subject matter. I can tell you put a lot into it, and I felt the connection that your central lovers had.

On a technical note, I'm not sure why all of this is in bold, as it made it a bit distracting to read. I'd also spell out your numbers (five rather than 5, etc) to make things flow a little bit easier.

Overall, I think you have have the seeds of a really good and unique story here. You could go in two different directions here; the Sam's lover, between torn away by cancer, or what happens to her after. I was confused as to who Georgie is, since we haven't heard of her in the story before. "Galloping like stallions" was a weird image to me, but maybe you could start with them on the beach before everything goes wrong. If it were up to me, I don't think you need what happens to Sam after, unless you were to write a sequel story, as the emotional pull is in Sam losing her love far too soon.

I think that's my main comment. Let me know if you have any questions. Hope this helps, and keep writing!

Elinor






Heya, thank you for the review! I'll try and make some parts a bit clearer and have better description x




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