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12+ Mature Content

Gone

by YourFriendQuirks08


I crouched down and placed the Calla lilies beside his grave. The flowers were a warm amber colour, with a red finish to the end of each small petal. They gave a vivid glow contrasting by the dull stone that sat on the dry, crumbling soil ; the sunset ombre colours popped. It didn’t feel right, none of my life felt right since my brother passed away. I stepped back from the cheap tombstone and stared to the distance, then up to the sky.

-

“Mummy, is that uncle Robert?” Aria pointed up at the sky and smiled. She knew that he was gone...I couldn’t bear it. I raised my frown until it became a smile, however with an obvious tear slowly running down my cheek.

“Yes honey” I wiped the doplet off my face and looked up with her “He is watching down from the clouds, it’s called heaven…...see, he is looking at us now. Give him a wave Aria” I moved my hand in the air, wishing for him to really be there, I needed him to really be looking down on us. I clutched her hand and started to pull away from the grave.

-

“We need to go home now dear.”

Aria paused and gave an emotional look at the sky and looked back at me. She stared up at the grey, foggy haze and tilted her head slightly, searching for her beloved uncle. We looked down and slowly jaunted down the road to the car.

-

I pulled on the car door harshly, trembling as I started to lift her inside the backseat of the car.

“Mummy?” She asked, “Why did uncle go up there?” the 7 year old pointed up and gazed through the top window of the car. I began to speak, however paused before the first word drifted away from my mouth: I can’t say the real truth...but I can’t lie to her either, whatever way I choose to go, she will be heartbroken…

“H-his guardian angels wanted him back home, poppet. They decided that he was too great to live on earth, so they took him to heaven instead. He didn’t want to go, but he left a note for us and grandma” She looked at me mesmerized but in a mild state of confusion. Aria sunk in her seat and looked forward.

“Do I have guardian angel mummy?” she stared “I like angels, they wear fancy white dresses” I chuckled to myself before thinking what to say in response. Again, what am I meant to say? I couldn’t bring up words to tell her, but I can’t lie to her...that was on the edge but now the fibs are getting crazy.

“Yes of course you do sweetheart” I hugged her and clicked her seatbelt in place before entering the front, drivers seat a row in front. Please no more questions, I thought. This feels terrible to say, I thought. I am outright lying to both myself and my own daughter-

“Can I go to heaven and see uncle Robert?”

-

I immediately started snuffled into my over sized, dark hoodie and turned back to see her looking down at herself. Something was wrong.

“Honey, you are staying right here, uncle Robert was hurting terribly.” I looked at myself in the small car mirror and saw the black smudges running down my eyes. I didn’t hold it together...I just couldn’t smile in such a saddening world. I began to reverse silently and speed away, on the edge of tears

-

“But mum, I hurt too...” and that’s when she unclipped her seat belt and opened the car door one final time...she was gone.


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Tue May 11, 2021 1:40 am
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Fullsunnn wrote a review...



This story was told expressively, the character shows how much she loves her brother and how she still can’t move on from what happened, her daughter keeps on asking her if she had a guardian angel, if her uncle is watching over her from above and asking her mom what happened to her uncle but her mom refused to tell her because it is still hurts her and there’s a suddenly tragic ending. I definitely understand the story even if it short, it expresses the feelings of the characters and describe the places or the things in the story. I just noticed some grammars that are quit not really organized well because while I’m reading the story I sometimes stopped just to read it again and the author used some not usual words so as a reader I can’t help but to stop and search the meaning of it before I resume to read the story. I’m a bit shocked about the ending because they just talking about the death of her brother but the ending is so sudden that I don t even thought it would happen especially, the daughter is just only 7 years old. in contrast, it’s all good and I advised to just put some polish in the story and it’s all good. I hope my comment could help you to improve.




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Fri May 07, 2021 6:14 pm
blueca wrote a review...



Oh, wow.

A story of loss from the perspective of a mother isn't something I see too often. It's also uncommon to have a short story with suicidal themes that isn't from the perspective of the suicidal character themself, so good work subverting some of those expectations.

Suspense was used very well throughout the piece. I fould myself rather eager to find out the circumstances of the uncle's passing and was thoroughly shocked by the ending. The end did feel unrealistic to me, though, especially since the daughter character is really young. As someone with... experience with the subject, it's usually something that's thought about for at least a few days or weeks before any action is taken, too. It seems like the daughter is just starting to understand death and loss, so her choice to immediately take her own life feels strange.

The punctuation of your dialouge needs revision. All of the quotes in this story should end with a period or comma if there isn't a punctuation mark there already. You can learn more about the exact rules here.

One last little thing:

the sunset ombre colours popped.
This phrase breaks the somber tone, especially the word "popped."

That'll be all from me for today.
Keep writing!

[Reposted due to complications, originally submitted at approx 14:15 UTC on Thur, May 6]




YourFriendQuirks08 says...


Thank you so much! Yes, my grammar and puncuation needs HELP :)
I never use dialogue so that's probably why, I will try to improve on that for sure tho.
Stay safe,
Love Rubes x



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Fri May 07, 2021 5:17 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi YourFriendQuirks08,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

You wrote an extremely emotional story that gave me goosebumps while reading. Maybe because one can put oneself too much in that position of the characters or just how you portray the interaction between mother and child.

I stepped back from the cheap tombstone and stared to the distance, then up to the sky.
-
"Mummy, is that uncle Robert?" Aria pointed up at the sky and smiled.


You've made a very good start with the first paragraph and made it feel like it's not over yet. I like that you specifically pick out the calla lily, and also how you describe it and relate it to the grave. However, I also got the impression that the narrator was there all alone because no one else was described and in the next section, (which is hyphenated; is there a reason for this or was the narrator brought out of her own murky thoughts this way?) Aria shows up. At first I wondered who Aria was. A ghost or something? I would have inserted her in the first paragraph, if only in a comment like; "I hold the small, soft hand. The hand is warm, etc..."

"Yes honey" I wiped the doplet off my face and looked up with her "He is watching down from the clouds, it's called heaven......see, he is looking at us now. Give him a wave Aria"


The idea of the mother waving to the uncle is so beautiful and painful at the same time. You've done that very well here, also because she does it herself to reassure the girl a little.

Aria paused and gave an emotional look at the sky and looked back at me.


I think it's very good that you used "sky" here and not "heaven". Since I assume that Aria does not yet know this difference exactly, I would even call it a point that you have inserted in order to make it clear that Aria does not understand the concept of death and heaven as the domain of God.

Aria seems naïve and fledgling and yet she seems to suspect more than her mother assumes. You did a great job with her dialogue and I also loved how she asks a lot of questions, just like a child would. But in the end, curiosity leads her to see her uncle again. I didn't expect that at all.

The last part in the car turned out well and yet I felt as if the reader didn't really know where they were. Still in the car park outside the cemetery? A side street or maybe on a busy street, a forest, etc...? It felt a bit fuzzy here and I would have expected to hear at least a short sentence from the mother's point of view here, like "The passers-by go on as if nothing had happened, " or something similar.

"Can I go to heaven and see uncle Robert?"


That would have made such a great title too. With the last paragraph, it also formed an answer. I didn't expect that, and gives the girl a very interesting character. It almost hurt to read that and yet I think it was necessary for the story to end that way.

I just couldn't smile in such a saddening world.


I really like this sentence as it feels like it can only get sadder for the mother.

I really like the way you set up the motif of the mother throughout the story until the end, showing her as self-sacrificing and trying to explain everything to her daughter so that she indirectly understands what has happened. She only questions her moral claims later. On this point here, which is probably not relevant, I question what the uncle died of. Suicide? Or from a long illness? (Which I don't think would make the mother grieve as much, since she would already know).
I think you've done an excellent job of portraying the mother and child in this text. It seems like a real, living relationship between them, which feels real and therefore also cruel. You've managed to add a second layer to the text of the mother's thoughts, which gives her a lot of depth.

In summary, it was a charged story with emotion. I liked it because it seems so real and probably wouldn't really be able to bear to see it in a film.

Have a great rest of your writing!

Mailice.




YourFriendQuirks08 says...


Hi, thank you for reviewing. I love the advice and I shall be sure to think about that when writing other pieces like this. :)

Stay safe,
Rubes x



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Fri May 07, 2021 3:14 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey there, I saw this piece in the literary section, and I would love to leave a review for you, if you don't mind! ^_^

I crouched down and placed the Calla lilies beside his grave. The flowers were a warm amber colour, with a red finish to the end of each small petal. They gave a vivid glow contrasting by the dull stone that sat on the dry, crumbling soil ; the sunset ombre colours popped.


Ooh, it's super interesting how you have the contrast between the dull, cold gravestone and the bright, red, vivid colours! Those two images are quite different to each other, and I think they provide a nice contrast.

Just a small note; I think "contrasting to" sounds better and is more widely used than "contrasting by." Also, what exactly has those sunset ombre colours that pop? The soil, since that is noun you last used? Or the stone, since that was the previous one? But I have a feeling that isn't what you meant xD so I think it wouldn't hurt to clarify! c: Ohh, or you may literally be talking about a sunset, but if that's the case, I might make that its own sentence.

I stepped back from the cheap tombstone and stared to the distance, then up to the sky.


"cheap headstone" provides an even more bitter and heartbreaking atmosphere </3

“Mummy, is that uncle Robert?” Aria pointed up at the sky and smiled.


Ooh, where did Aria come from? It kind of seemed like she came out of nowhere :p you could mention that she was crouched beside the narrator or just walked up behind her; whatever fits your fancy! ^_^

“He is watching down from the clouds, it’s called heaven…...see, he is looking at us now. Give him a wave Aria”


Ooh, what a heartbreaking sentence </3

We looked down and slowly jaunted down the road to the car.


Love the use of a specific verb here!

the 7 year old pointed up and gazed through the top window of the car.


Usually in literary pieces, numbers like 7 are spelt out c:

She looked at me mesmerized but in a mild state of confusion. Aria sunk in her seat and looked forward.


Ahh, I love this sentence, because it expresses the curiosity but innocence of young children

“Do I have guardian angel mummy?” she stared “I like angels, they wear fancy white dresses”


Yess, I love the way you are portraying the innocence and childlike nature of Aria! It's such a simple statement, but I'm sure it cut right through the narrator's heart

I immediately started snuffled into my over sized


I believe you meant "sniffling" instead of "snuffled" ^_^

“But mum, I hurt too...” and that’s when she unclipped her seat belt and opened the car door one final time...she was gone.


OMG I DID NOT EXPECT THAT AT ALL!!! :O

I love the idea of unclipping the seatbelt -> it's like cutting a tether and is a metaphor for being set free. That was such a small but smart detail, and I really loved the way you paid attention to the seatbelt.

I do think that the ending was a little too sudden. I wonder what problems she had? Like I do like the vagueness of this, but I think it might be a little too sudden. It's a bit unclear what kind of problems she had and why she had to "go to Heaven" -> it almost seemed a tiny bit forced because of how quick it was. You don't have to elaborate more on it if you want to keep it vague, bu I think dropping more hints throughout the story could be nice ^_^

And that's all I got for you! Overall, I think this was a hauntingly beautiful short story </3 You can clearly see the contrast between someone older dealing with grief and someone younger, just like the contrast between the headstone and the flowers. I really did enjoy reading this, and I hope to read more from you soon. Hope this helped! c:




YourFriendQuirks08 says...


Heya, thank you so much! Your review has got to be the best one yet!



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Fri May 07, 2021 12:01 pm
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BlueGlow wrote a review...



Good lord this story was incredibly well written and emotional. The ending was a shock and that was a fantastic way to leave an impression. Shock value. I think many people have lost a family member and wondered where they've gone. You capture the emotion of that excellently. Somehow, you have perfected the kinds of rhetoric a small child would use and I admire this work for that. All in all a masterwork in emotion and storytelling!




YourFriendQuirks08 says...


Thank you so much!! I really appreciate it %uD83D%uDC95



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Fri May 07, 2021 5:27 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...that ended badly...oh well...quite a depressing story to start a day on but heh...that does mean you've written it quite well so that's a good thing...I think...anyway...lemme get down to more detail below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I crouched down and placed the Calla lilies beside his grave. The flowers were a warm amber colour, with a red finish to the end of each small petal. They gave a vivid glow contrasting by the dull stone that sat on the dry, crumbling soil ; the sunset ombre colours popped. It didn’t feel right, none of my life felt right since my brother passed away. I stepped back from the cheap tombstone and stared to the distance, then up to the sky.


Well...we have ourselves quite a sombre start there....definitely does get your attention though so it totally works quite well as a first paragraph. Well...let's see how this story pans out...pretty neat description there so far.

“Mummy, is that uncle Robert?” Aria pointed up at the sky and smiled. She knew that he was gone...I couldn’t bear it. I raised my frown until it became a smile, however with an obvious tear slowly running down my cheek.

“Yes honey” I wiped the doplet off my face and looked up with her “He is watching down from the clouds, it’s called heaven…...see, he is looking at us now. Give him a wave Aria” I moved my hand in the air, wishing for him to really be there, I needed him to really be looking down on us. I clutched her hand and started to pull away from the grave.


Well...that's quite heavy to start off with, definitely all the right emotional notes there that one...doing a really good job of showing the kind of effect that can happen here. The mother's reaction and the daughter's reaction are all very realistic and ahh...just a lot of sadness here.

“We need to go home now dear.”

Aria paused and gave an emotional look at the sky and looked back at me. She stared up at the grey, foggy haze and tilted her head slightly, searching for her beloved uncle. We looked down and slowly jaunted down the road to the car.


Lovely touch there with the one last look up...

I pulled on the car door harshly, trembling as I started to lift her inside the backseat of the car.

“Mummy?” She asked, “Why did uncle go up there?” the 7 year old pointed up and gazed through the top window of the car. I began to speak, however paused before the first word drifted away from my mouth: I can’t say the real truth...but I can’t lie to her either, whatever way I choose to go, she will be heartbroken…


Well that paragraph was quite dangerous...his cause of death appears to be something terrible judging by the mother here reacting quite that way...oh dear.

“H-his guardian angels wanted him back home, poppet. They decided that he was too great to live on earth, so they took him to heaven instead. He didn’t want to go, but he left a note for us and grandma” She looked at me mesmerized but in a mild state of confusion. Aria sunk in her seat and looked forward.

“Do I have guardian angel mummy?” she stared “I like angels, they wear fancy white dresses” I chuckled to myself before thinking what to say in response. Again, what am I meant to say? I couldn’t bring up words to tell her, but I can’t lie to her...that was on the edge but now the fibs are getting crazy.


Well that line of question isn't going to lead anywhere good...ahh seeing the innocence of the seven year old captured here among what's clearly a very tragic situation here is just a really powerful combination to read here...ahh...the onions....the onions.

“Yes of course you do sweetheart” I hugged her and clicked her seatbelt in place before entering the front, drivers seat a row in front. Please no more questions, I thought. This feels terrible to say, I thought. I am outright lying to both myself and my own daughter-

“Can I go to heaven and see uncle Robert?”


Well...there comes a wonderful question...this is definitely not going to end well at the rate that this is going.

I immediately started snuffled into my over sized, dark hoodie and turned back to see her looking down at herself. Something was wrong.

“Honey, you are staying right here, uncle Robert was hurting terribly.” I looked at myself in the small car mirror and saw the black smudges running down my eyes. I didn’t hold it together...I just couldn’t smile in such a saddening world. I began to reverse silently and speed away, on the edge of tears

“But mum, I hurt too...” and that’s when she unclipped her seat belt and opened the car door one final time...she was gone.


Well...that...that....was not an ending on a level I was expecting...cause oh my goodness...that was the worst possible outcome...and from a seven year old....oh gosh...yeah..well..very depressing story to start off this day.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall...quite a well written story...not a big fan of the ending just cause of how sad it is but heyy...you've done a great job showcasing the kind of emotions involved here, the descriptions sprinkled here and there were also really good...yeah pretty good job here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




YourFriendQuirks08 says...


Thank you so much for your review! Means a lot...honestly x




The worst bullies you will ever encounter in your life are your own thoughts.
— Bryant McGill