Dear to my worst emotions,
So we meet once again, however this time it is a bit differently than our previous confrontations.
This time it will be calm ; we will keep our distance, honestly listen to each other. We won’t fight as we will consider our feelings and take a step back. Promise?? Ok then, let’s start off then. Shall we?
How come you visit during my joyful times, or my worst days? Surely you are able to come on a steady day...a day where I am prepared to face you. You pick on me in my carefree hours, the days where I am loving life and am motivated to carry on another step, you destroy my once ‘good’ moments and turn them awfully intimidating and against my own self.
You make the places I feel at home in blood curdling...you transform them places into nightmare settings. You kill me in these dark caves just how you murder my happiness...destroy them until it’s been crushed into a million unfixable pieces.
How come you show it to the world? It can’t be that hard to make these feelings covered...you could have designed me with great acting skills, for the fake smile that looks scarily real to drape a blanket over everything.
You treat me as if I am nothing in front of those I love most ; you cause a big, messed up scene within their jubilant times...where memories are made. You make me the center of everything, even in my loved one’s best times of their life. How could you have a heart like that?
Why do you make me seem like a mess? You have an odd desire for me to break down all the time, you just can’t make it quiet and private… You know how much I hate opening up to some people, so why do me like that? You force me to cry, scream, shake and panic rather publicly: I don’t know why you want to always humiliate me in front of people. Don’t you simply get that I feel embarrassed to melt down even in my friends...let alone people whom I have no idea who they are?
This is the last question...probably the one most painful to ask as well. Why have you suddenly come around? And for so long too. Just why? You have never had an attachment so strong before now...yet when I am: constantly seeing these perfect girls online, watching girls in my year growing up so fast, getting ready to choose my options for GCSE, making so much progress in everything that I have done, preparing for tests and facing this global pandemic you suddenly wish to visit me.
Things are so pressurizing at the moment, that doesn’t mean you have to come and so called ‘comfort’ me. It doesn’t work and you need to understand that yes it is healthy and human nature to feel happiness, sadness, disgust, fear, surprise, and anger etc, however it isn’t good for either of us for you to be just here…
I need you to move away a meter everyday, until we are miles and miles away from one another. It isn’t helping either of us to be in this fixed position. You wouldn’t realise this, but it does really and truly hurt ; the pain is evolving every minute of every day. It adapts...to the coping mechanisms I have tried in order to prevent the overwhelming fear of you.
Please, please I beg for you to leave me, abandon me, isolate me and join someone else. I can’t do anything more and I have learnt a lesson from all my flaws that I have perceived.
All I ask is for you to quit this, it is quite visibly destroying me and it’s terrifying whenever you combine all this rage. I know that you hate me...but we can’t keep taking vengeance on each other like this.
Please leave and only come back in necessary times,