Young Writers Society

Salutations, curious mind!

Lizzy - 14 year old girl, confident, bad student

(April grabs Emma’s arm and runs out the class)

April: Sorry...I had to get out of there. I didn’t hurt you did I?
Emma: Nah, don’t worry...should we wait for Liz...or can we go?
--
(April looks concerned at Emma’s face)
April: I-is that a bruise, she didn’t harm you did she?
Emma: No, no, no...I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway- (tries to change the subject)

April: I-is that a bruise, she didn’t harm you did she?
Emma: No, no, no...I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway- (tries to change the subject)
April: No we are speaking about it...I don’t like you being around her so much, she was so toxic when we were friends. I know what she is like, she did that to me Emma.
(Emma tears up and looks at April)
Emma: I- Yeah...April why has she done this to me?
April: I don’t know...stay with me for the rest of the day, it's dangerous w-

April: I-is that a bruise, she didn’t harm you did she? (while grabbing hold of Emma’s arm for a closer look)
Emma: No, no, no...I don’t want to talk about it. Anyway- (tries to change the subject)
April (states seriously ): No we are speaking about it...I don’t like you being around her so much, she was so toxic when we were friends. I know what she is like, she did that to me Emma.
(Emma tears up and looks at April)
Emma: I- Yeah...April why has she done this to me? asking confused with a sad tone
April says concerned while rubbing a crying Emma on her back: I don’t know...stay with me for the rest of the day, it's dangerous w-

Teacher: Lizzy, stay behind. We need to discuss your grades…

Lizzy: What the hell?! (rolls eyes directly at teacher) I wanna eat sir...you can’t starve me
Teacher: It will only be for 5 minutes...I am sure you can wait (glares), this is serious Lizzy…

Sonotos sits at desk. First to arrive is James.

Sonotos: Agent Bond, right on time as usual.

James: Of course, sir!

Sonotos: Where are the other two?

James: On their way I think.

Vankous storms in.

Vankous: What’s the problem that interrupted my experiments?

Hi YourFriendQuirks08,

Mailice here with a short review!

That was definitely a special script. I didn't think it would develop like this.

First of all, I really like the way you set it up by introducing the characters at the beginning and also giving some character traits. I think that's a good setup and also gives the reader a rough idea of the personality.

I like how Lizzy (sometimes spelled Lizzie in the text) is different from Emma and April and how an actual drama develops. I also like this dynamic you've brought out here between Lizzy and Emma. Your characters are unique and well built. They seem realistic and well thought out. I like how Lizzy turns out to be a bad friend who only cares about her own image and Emma is the reserved one (where I very much assume her character is very much in correlation to her mother's behaviour). April, on the other hand, is the nice friend who cares, but also found that she seemed a bit transparent compared to the others. You could definitely expand on that a bit more.

I like the structure, that you always gave the necessary information so that the reader knows what exactly is happening and how you also highlighted it.

Other points I noticed while reading:

(Emma wearily walks on stage, looking introverted and shy).

April: (Whispers) Just ignore her Emma.

It will only be for 5 minutes....

Hi Rubes! Hannah here for a quick review. I hope it is helpful!


Grows:
I noticed that you changed the spelling of Lizzy's name periodically:

"Lizzy..."
and then:

"Lizzie..."
Maybe think about how you should spell her name?
I also noticed in the description of character you put Lizzy/Lizzie as "confident". Confidence can cause people to be unkind, but as a broad topic I don't think it means mean.

Glows:

Oh wow, this script really struck a chord in my heart. You did a good job conveying relationship abuse, and I like how April helped her. Keep writing this story! (Also, my suggestion for what to write next is just more of an introduction to the characters and maybe continue the conflict, for the genre maybe an overcoming adversities kind of thing???)

Thanks for writing this! Keep writing and have a great day! I hope to hear more from you!

Sincerely,

@hannah0528

Yay a script D

I was so excited to read this, scripts are so rare on this site unfortunately

Anyways, on to the review !

I'm no specialist in writing scripts, but I believe adding a character's personality description at the beginning was really unnecessary. The age isn't really important, and the "Lizzy- confident + bad student and Emma- quiet + good student" was very clear in the first few lines.

Also, confidence isn't the same thing as being rude. Confidence is thinking that even if everything fails and turns out horribly, you'll still be fine. And looking at yourself in the mirror and thinking that you look good today.

Lizzy here was just really rude to her friend. Maybe it's her style of humour, but I don't think "lifting her head up superiorly" and saying all she talks about is her mum and how she says that "no one cares about that" is funny.
Which is furthermore why I don't think you should add the character's personalities at the beginning.
You're basically dumbing down your characters, while they each seem much more complex on paper. Lizzy isn't "just" a confident girl, she's also borderline rude, mean, harsh, but maybe there's more to her.

Maybe she also is secretly ashamed of herself but can't seem to stop hurting people, as she believes she needs to hurt people so they can't hurt her. Maybe because it's the only thing that's been taught to her. Maybe because her parents did that to her. or a friend. or a boyfriend.

-

The split sequence was heart breaking. Each of these characters have such depressing stories. I really think you should pursue this script, each character has so much depth and so much chemistry, I hope you do further this.
if you're out of ideas, I'd suggest you map out a plot line. Basically, you set out the major conflicts and plot points in your story, so that it flows naturally and you won't have to be worried about running out of ideas halfway.

But if you've got no ideas for the plot in itself, I do have a few, although these are just random ideas I think you can add into this story:

- I TOTALLY see Lizzie as a character going through a arc.

(if you don't know what an arc is, it's basically a character going through radical changed. There are three types of arcs. The positive one, (an evil/(insert negative trait) character becomes good/(gets past that negative trait), the static one, where the character doesn't change, or the negative one, (a character that was good turns evil, (think the arc Anakin goes through in Star Wars) it's the most complex one to write about so maybe avoid this one for now))

Maybe since she's selfish and rude, throughout the story she learns that words can hurt people, and start becoming more selfless and caring? But now you have to figure out what does she go through..




****for plot ideas, I don't really know.. are you going for a slow burn horror novel ? A romance one ? A classic high school one ? I'll give ideas for the different genres: ****



-slow burn horror novel:

ooh okay, I'm a fan of horror so I've got a ton of ideas.

What if a supernatural entity, (like an urban legend) starts attacking students at the school ?
And maybe it was caused by Lizzie, and since her mother isn't exactly the best, she doesn't tell her and instead asks her "friends" to help her out ?
And they work together to beat the thing, which leads to them becoming closer, and Lizzie becoming a better person ?

Or maybe the three girls accidentally cause the entity to appear ? And they try to stop it ?
And maybe at first Lizzie doesn't care, but they convince her to help them out, as they try figuring out what the entity is and how to stop it ?
All the while trying to save people from getting murdered.



- romance/ high school novel:

I thinkkkk this is what would work best for your script, and what you were going for, so here are some ideas.

- a boy arrives in school. Hijinks ensue.
Okay no but seriously, maybe a boy Lizzie absolutely loves the moment she sees him, falls in love with April or Emma. But since he's shy, it's very hard for him to admit his love to her. And Lizzie makes it even harder for him as she constantly foils his plans and tries to make Emma look bad, as well as try to make him love her.

-Or then for a high school novel, clubs, drama, etc - all that could make for interesting continuations. Although you really should consider adding that arc I talked about previously, the one where Lizzie becomes a good person, as that's probably the best way you can develop one of your main characters.

I'm not a big fan of romance so that's why I have much less ideas for that one. Also, I think the horror idea was the best, but it's up to you. These are just suggestions.

Have a great day <33333

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

I was so excited when I saw this piece in the green room! I love reviewing scripts, but unfortunately, there aren't that many for me to review on here. I have a little bit of experience with scriptwriting, so hopefully something in this review is helpful!

I think you've got a great basic idea here. It's very powerful, and I feel like it reinforces the sense that people are mean because maybe someone was mean to them. I think the ending was especially powerful, when you did the split stage and showed what all the girls' home life was like and how that influenced them to be who they were. It was really well executed, and I think you did a great job with that part!

One thing I do wonder about was whether this was a script meant for stage or for screen. I'm assuming stage because of the stage directions that do the split stage. The only thing that made me question it was the first direction where Lizzy strutted "on set." To me, that has the connotation of a film/screen production. I think if you meant it to be performed on stage, saying "stage" instead of "set" would be better.

I also wondered about the amount of stage directions. I know for people who are used to writing prose it can be a little difficult to write for screen and play, because scriptwriting isn't so much about the descriptions. There should really only be basic actions and that's it, unless there's something that really, really needs to be conveyed. The reason this is is that further down the line, when it's actually being acted out, a lot of the stuff and description you put in might cramp the actor's style. There are certain things that are a writer's job, but also, you don't want to constrain the actors or their ability to act. Putting too much description... limits your script, in a way. You should be providing the bare minimum so that everyone else involved can build off of it, you know?

Other than that, nice work! I thought you did a nice job of portraying the character voices, and, like I stated before, you subject matter was very moving. I also love the title of this script and the bit of wordplay it has; there is, of course, interpersonal drama which takes place in a school in this script, but it's also funny to me because scripts are usually performed in drama class. I'm not sure if that was intentional, but I found it funny.

Overall: I really enjoyed it! I think you've got the potential for a really great script here. As for continuing it, I was honestly satisfied where you left off, but it depends on what your goal is. If you do decide to further it, I think you should maybe focus on relationships, or which character may have a character arc, etc. Just consider the direction you want to go in. Anyways. Hopefully something in here could be of some help! Until next time!