Young Writers Society

Hi YourFriendQuirks08,

Mailice here with a short review!

This was a sad poem in my opinion. One feels a certain longing for attention and hope, but since the disappointment is too great, it results that at some point one can no longer believe anything at all. I like the approach you are trying to take here by introducing love and trust here, just as a side issue to reality. It has a certain aura that it exudes and so stands out from the other poems that focus more on love and trust itself. Here, however, I clearly see a broken person who has been disappointed so many times that it is no longer possible for him to build something that may have failed at the very first encounter with a person.

Love is a terrifying game to play
I just need to meet the one I am destined to be

These two lines seem as if the narrator has tried so many times to meet someone, but has never felt he could find the one to stay together. This continues here:

Yet pain takes the joy away

For me, it can stand for two points. The first I mentioned earlier; too often one has been abandoned or disappointed, which gives rise to doubts about love, and the other point is that the narrator here is perhaps lacking the basic trust that he is supposed to build up when he is born, by means of his mother. It gives the poem a lot more sadness and a specialness when you start to interpret it from this point and realise that from the beginning, failure is not just an option, but a common outcome.

For too much time I never have on my hands

I like this line because it is actually contradictory, but it underlines what the poem is trying to say. I also like that you present it as a scenario where the character feels abandoned and even time slips away like sand between his fingers.

I can grasp the sadness
For it is so near to my heart

Here you create for me the image of a heart drowning in tears. It has such a deep impact, maybe because it's just before the halfway point of the poem and it's only gotten sadder since it began. Up to this point, it seems like a game that you start playing, and while you're playing you realise that you're losing.

Trust is a cursed word,
It only means suspicion and uncertainty

As much as I like this line, it is also childish in its origin. Trust is important for people to be together and being disappointed is a result of that. But that only means that you learn better who to trust. All of life is learning and you have to realise that before it's too late. Still, I like the attempt to start the second half like that, especially from the interpretation possibility about the "cursed" word.

Than what their best can be

Here I'm not sure if you didn't mean "then", because I can't read the context here so directly, why you paraphrase it like that.

It feels wrong and brainless to think

This is another line that I like and that, in context with the previous line, gives an exciting possibility of interpretation. But I also think the line is a bit out of place, but maybe only because my thoughts on this line go more in the direction of the abuse of capitalism.

I like how you come up with a conclusion at the end. It makes sense that the title doesn't appear in the poem until the end, so you're only now drawing the path for the reader through the wandering of the foggy hives. In summary, it was a great poem with a sad background. But it also shows that you really have a great way of portraying feelings and emotions in writing and keeping the reader hooked.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review! So let's get started!

POSITIVES:
First and foremost this poem is extremely relatable. I think just about everyone, maybe some more so than most, can relate to the themes and moods of trust and love. I'm sure everyone can connect to this poem one way or another. Poetry that can be so relatable like that is wonderful in general.

Diction wise, I like your choices of wording in general. I love using words like melancholy. All of the other casual words all allow the poem to have a simple interpretation. I love poems that are clear and concise, which this is.

The theme and mood are well established and well thought out.

My favorite line in particular is

Trust is a cursed word,

It only means suspicion and uncertainty

Yet feels empowered with the wrong people

Who act like they can be so much more

This line speaks volumes. I can sense the emotions and thoughts behind this poem, so well done on that part.

CRITIQUES:
I did notice a lack of criticism in the previous reviews. So I hope it's okay for me to give some friendly advice, poet to poet. Just remember these are all suggestions, take them or leave them.

First of all, it's a huge pet peeve of mine when lines that are a part of the same sentence are capitalized. Auto cap is the bane of all poetry, and most of the time poets, including myself, forget to go back and fix it. You don't have to capitalize every line when some are a part of the same sentence.

Rhythm is something this poem does struggle with. One of the key differences between poetry and prose is the sound of the words melding together. Lots of young poets, especially ones as young as you do struggle with rhythm. It's normal, don't worry. Even I still struggle.

Lots of the broken sentences for lines are transitioned awkwardly. For example

I just need to meet the one I am destined to be

With for all eternity

This line if you read it out loud, the transition between the words "be" and "with" is really off putting and throws readers off guard. My suggestions are to either rewrite the sentence to fit nicer, find different ways to fix the line, or most likely have it

"I just need to meet the one I am destined to be with,
for all eternity."

Try reading all your poems out loud. It makes it easier to spot rhythmic issues.
These lines also have some issues.

For too much time I never have on my hands

I can grasp the sadness

For it is so near to my heart

My hurt and broken heart

and

Yet feels empowered with the wrong people

Who act like they can be so much more

Than what their best can be

The way these lines flow together, just could be edited a bit. A mark of a good poet is knowing when to take things out. Just experiment and figure out better ways to state what you're trying to say.

Try to add some punctuation. Some poets, including myself, forgo punctuation and proper grammar for a more stylistic approach. Here though, periods and commas, will enhance the flow and allow the poem to have some much needed structure. Periods also add emphasis to some points you're trying to make.

Finally, this just might be me being picky, but the repetition of the word crazy in this line

In a crazy, crazy world like no other

Named reality

Is just something I didn't particularly like. I suggest finding a synonym of the word crazy to spice it up a bit. Also maybe some figurative language or imagery would add more layers to this poem. It never hurts to add a metaphor or image or two.

Just remember to stay simple. Sometimes less is more. Don't go crazy and overcrowd the poem with metaphors and images because then the theme and emotions can get lost. Be careful when building those images though to keep the rhythm in mind and how well a reader could see the picture.

Overall, this is a great poem. I really really enjoyed. Most of the things I commented about are easy fixes and common mishaps for young poets. For a thirteen year old, this is pretty good. Keep practicing and writing and rewriting. As you grow, your poetry will grow and mature. So... I look forward to seeing your poetry in the future.

Nice job! Keep writing!

PS: Happy late Welcome to Young Writer's Society