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E - Everyone

Reality

by YourFriendQuirks08


Love is a terrifying game to play

I just need to meet the one I am destined to be

With for all eternity

Yet pain takes the joy away

For too much time I never have on my hands

I can grasp the sadness

For it is so near to my heart

My hurt and broken heart

-

Trust is a cursed word,

It only means suspicion and uncertainty

Yet feels empowered with the wrong people

Who act like they can be so much more

Than what their best can be

The melancholy of this world has changed the meaning

It feels wrong and brainless to think

That you belong

In a crazy, crazy world like no other

Named reality


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51 Reviews


Points: 4135
Reviews: 51

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Tue May 18, 2021 11:36 pm
aooborromeo wrote a review...



Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review! So let's get started!

POSITIVES:
First and foremost this poem is extremely relatable. I think just about everyone, maybe some more so than most, can relate to the themes and moods of trust and love. I'm sure everyone can connect to this poem one way or another. Poetry that can be so relatable like that is wonderful in general.

Diction wise, I like your choices of wording in general. I love using words like melancholy. All of the other casual words all allow the poem to have a simple interpretation. I love poems that are clear and concise, which this is.

The theme and mood are well established and well thought out.

My favorite line in particular is

Trust is a cursed word,

It only means suspicion and uncertainty

Yet feels empowered with the wrong people

Who act like they can be so much more


This line speaks volumes. I can sense the emotions and thoughts behind this poem, so well done on that part.

CRITIQUES:
I did notice a lack of criticism in the previous reviews. So I hope it's okay for me to give some friendly advice, poet to poet. Just remember these are all suggestions, take them or leave them.

First of all, it's a huge pet peeve of mine when lines that are a part of the same sentence are capitalized. Auto cap is the bane of all poetry, and most of the time poets, including myself, forget to go back and fix it. You don't have to capitalize every line when some are a part of the same sentence.

Rhythm is something this poem does struggle with. One of the key differences between poetry and prose is the sound of the words melding together. Lots of young poets, especially ones as young as you do struggle with rhythm. It's normal, don't worry. Even I still struggle.

Lots of the broken sentences for lines are transitioned awkwardly. For example
I just need to meet the one I am destined to be

With for all eternity


This line if you read it out loud, the transition between the words "be" and "with" is really off putting and throws readers off guard. My suggestions are to either rewrite the sentence to fit nicer, find different ways to fix the line, or most likely have it

"I just need to meet the one I am destined to be with,
for all eternity."

Try reading all your poems out loud. It makes it easier to spot rhythmic issues.
These lines also have some issues.

For too much time I never have on my hands

I can grasp the sadness

For it is so near to my heart

My hurt and broken heart


and

Yet feels empowered with the wrong people

Who act like they can be so much more

Than what their best can be


The way these lines flow together, just could be edited a bit. A mark of a good poet is knowing when to take things out. Just experiment and figure out better ways to state what you're trying to say.

Try to add some punctuation. Some poets, including myself, forgo punctuation and proper grammar for a more stylistic approach. Here though, periods and commas, will enhance the flow and allow the poem to have some much needed structure. Periods also add emphasis to some points you're trying to make.

Finally, this just might be me being picky, but the repetition of the word crazy in this line

In a crazy, crazy world like no other

Named reality


Is just something I didn't particularly like. I suggest finding a synonym of the word crazy to spice it up a bit. Also maybe some figurative language or imagery would add more layers to this poem. It never hurts to add a metaphor or image or two.

Just remember to stay simple. Sometimes less is more. Don't go crazy and overcrowd the poem with metaphors and images because then the theme and emotions can get lost. Be careful when building those images though to keep the rhythm in mind and how well a reader could see the picture.

Overall, this is a great poem. I really really enjoyed. Most of the things I commented about are easy fixes and common mishaps for young poets. For a thirteen year old, this is pretty good. Keep practicing and writing and rewriting. As you grow, your poetry will grow and mature. So... I look forward to seeing your poetry in the future.

Nice job! Keep writing!

PS: Happy late Welcome to Young Writer's Society :)






Thank you so much!!



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18 Reviews


Points: 407
Reviews: 18

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Mon May 17, 2021 9:15 pm
TheWordsOfWolf wrote a review...



Oh wow. This is very good. I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this which is one thing that makes poetry good. It is difficult to write about broken hearts without seeming sappy, your poem did not seem that way at all. I especially love the last four lines. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.






Thank you so much <3



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Points: 134
Reviews: 3

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Sun May 16, 2021 7:20 pm
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xsummermiax says...



I had to stop while reading this..I was just like WOAH.
U have skill rubes,just saying.
'The melancholy of this world has changed the meaning'was an amazing line it made me feel happy idek why?
I like the ideas
now for some negatives...
I actually cant find any XD oops
keep writing~summer :)
p.s i accidentally put it as a comment last time so im reuploading as a reveiw




User avatar


Points: 134
Reviews: 3

Donate
Sun May 16, 2021 7:19 pm
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xsummermiax wrote a review...



I had to stop while reading this..I was just like WOAH.
U have skill rubes,just saying.
'The melancholy of this world has changed the meaning'was an amazing line it made me feel happy idek why?
I like the ideas
now for some negatives...
I actually cant find any XD oops
keep writing~summer :)
p.s i accidentally put it as a comment last time so im reuploading as a reveiw




User avatar


Points: 134
Reviews: 3

Donate
Sun May 16, 2021 7:18 pm
View Likes
xsummermiax says...



I had to stop while reading this..I was just like WOAH.
U have skill rubes,just saying.
'The melancholy of this world has changed the meaning'was an amazing line it made me feel happy idek why?
I like the ideas
now for some negatives...
I actually cant find any XD oops
keep writing~summer :)





My culinary streak is in everything that I write.
— LadyBird