Young Writers Society

Hey, Lele here to review

Just wanted to start by saying this was a good poem

Because of how you prefaced with the disclaimer, it gave a different perspective of the piece as a whole. I felt the nerves in your words. The uncertainty and shakiness of your thoughts. It pulled through nicely.

Could it have been worded better? A little. Some lines were repetitive. The way you described her hair didn’t match how every other part of her was described. It felt forced.

“Until I’m jogging away from them” I was confused at the switch of pronouns and to what or who you were referring to.

Overall though, I think because of how it’s structured, it encapsulates the whole feeling you have for this person. Very well done

Keep up the writing

This poem is very beautiful and unfortunately very relatable to me. While I was reading, it made me remember times when I adored someone so much that I was willing to do just about everything for them. In the last three stanzas, I became very confused. It made me think about what was really going on in your life. A few thoughts that ran through my head were, what really happened, was she even real, or was the pain so bad that it literally crushed your heart. You did a fantastic job on this poem and I really look forward to seeing what other poems and/or stories that you write on this particular person.

This poem is very beautiful and unfortunately very relatable to me. While I was reading, it made me remember times when I adored someone so much that I was willing to do just about everything for them. In the last three stanzas, I became very confused. It made me think about what was really going on in your life. A few thoughts that ran through my head were, what really happened, was she even real, or was the pain so bad that it literally crushed your heart. You did a fantastic job on this poem and I really look forward to seeing what other poems and/or stories that you write on this particular person.

Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

Aww, this was a sweet poem. I read your author's note, and I'm glad you're finding an outlet in your poetry! Hope you feel better soon <3 I think that for the most part, this poem was really great, and even though you didn't write this for the quality I figured I'd review it just 'cause.

One thing I enjoyed was your repeated use of repetition. It gave the poem a sense of urgency and also a bit of insanity/instability. Like how in the first stanza, you ended both lines with "game," and at the beginning of the sixth stanza where you repeat "breathe." I think those really add to the frantic-ness at parts, and they round out the poem and make it something dimensional and emotional rather than just flat. Similarly, the repeated "her" at the beginning of several of the stanzas at the beginning gives the poem a loose form that gives it that extra bit of poetic-ness. The one thing I would say about the repetition is your repetition of "forever" in stanza three. That, to me, didn't work as well. Since it wasn't frantic or unstable at that part, it just felt kind of lazy, like you couldn't think of another word to put there. I'd either change it to a synonym or reword it using a different word.

The one think I would say is that your tone is a little hard to grasp at some parts/it changes a lot. At the beginning, you take a more intense tone, essentially declaring that this "she" is the only person who makes you feel safe and comforted. Then, you shift into describing her, and you take a more sentimental, lovey-dovey tone. Then, at the end, you turn to a darker tone, asking some heavy rhetorical questions. I feel like that progression didn't feel exactly logical to me. It felt a bit unsatisfying to end in such a dark place. I'm not saying you can't have tone shifts in your poetry, but I feel like these shifts just felt oddly placed within the narrative. I'm not sure if this was intentional on your part, but it's just something to keep in mind when writing.

Overall: nice work!! I think you captured some really raw emotions here, and again, hope you get through the hard stuff in your life <3 I hope to read more of your poetry on here soon! Until next time!!

This was a nice poem to read.It’s so real,you really put your emotion to it.Yes,often as humans,we do rely on others heavily,you’re right about that.But when we put every fiber of our being on to one person,it becomes unhealthy and overbearing.The best thing I would say is to relax and take time to find yourself.You don’t have to listen to me,but that’s what I would recommend.Anyway,nice poem.I hope you have a good day/night.