Young Writers Society

The definition of loneliness is this story. The "I wear makeup to be like other girls" was a bit cliche, but it did help me understand the character's insecurities. I loved how she was literally trying to be above her problems by sitting on the rooftop. Yet, at the same time, she was also looking down at her problems and knowing she couldn't escape them. This story describes a girl who can't find her place in the world even though she desperately wants to. Some people like being alone, others are lonely want to be bothered.

Hey there! I enjoyed this piece, which has a very candid feeling. We see the narrator in a "comfort zone" of hers, alone with her thoughts. You've done a good job describing the setting and providing visualization for the scene. You've also given us a glimpse of emotional perspective.

I also noticed the personification you used in describing the narrator's problems "laughing" at her. This is a great technique to use in writing! Also, in describing the problems as physical objects that she wished to throw off the fringe of the building, you've made them seem more tangible, depicting how heavy they are to the narrator.

When you transition into the subject of acting, we jump from the present scene to a different setting. It's cool how you've shown a bright spot in the narrator's life. I'd suggest working on improving your transition, though. The change of setting is kind of abrupt. It would help even if you made sure to mention that the acting is a part of school life or whatever other organization with which this hobby is connected. So again, maybe think how you could improve the wording of your transition. It's not bad, but improvement wouldn't hurt.

The end is lovely in that it gives sort of a sensory impression of comfort. The evening breeze you describe can almost be felt. Still, the ending leaves the reader with the melancholy emotion it seems you are primarily aiming to convey. Good consistency with this.

Thanks for sharing this piece. Again, it gives an honest look into the narrator's heart. Nice writing!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...a very simple story here....that seems to focus on one single small action and yet it manages to bring across a world of emotion there through the deeper things that it seems to refer to here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The girl sat on the roof. She peered out into the distance of buildings and people...however she heard no sound, for she was higher than some of the towering flats beside her. Finally, she was higher than most things; still, her problems kept laughing down at her. Meters above her though, so she couldn’t reach them and throw them off the fringe of the building.

That girl was me.

Brown, scruffy hair that hasn’t been washed for at least a fortnight. The same oversized hoodie to hide the ugliness that surfaced at the skin. Grey joggers that masked the horrible legs underneath them. Not to mention the face. You can’t hide your face, for people will judge you even more. You can only cover it up with the same hourly makeup routine of these pretty girls every single morning. But then that’s fake, and just not quite me.

I slouched on the very edge. The sunset transformed me from an ugly school girl to a dark silhouette in the sky. I liked that. Not being noticed gives me a soothing feeling, peace almost. You’re alone until you’re lonely; then the pain sets in of being an outsider...an abnormal teenager that never fits in. Just another useless girl. A girl with grade C’s across the board, a nocturnal sleep schedule and stress of keeping the family together. Not that that ever really worked out.

The only thing I could do was act. On stage I was a worry-guts and could hardly say something without stuttering, yet it all felt so magical to me. Automatically you were someone else. Not in your own world, but another character’s: it wasn’t ever similar to me, nor realistic. Just away from my own rubbish town and exhausting life.

Looking out to the night sky, I swung my legs carelessly off the verge of the roof and breathed. Tears formed in my eyes and quickly dropped down to the paved road below. Cars were speeding down the road, but I couldn’t even hear the honks or sounds of skidding, for I was so elevated above ground.

I shuffle further towards the edge and feel the breeze float over my face and bare neck. My clothes begin to ripple in the soft air, but drop back down my body in a matter of minutes. The wind is beginning to weaken and leave me sitting alone on the edge…alone, where no one will see me return. As I was now the girl that sits on the rooftops.

Hello YourFriendQuirks08! Nicole here with a short review!

First impressions: this was a great story! I really loved reading it! It is a very interesting topic too. I don't often see a story that goes from second person to first person, but i think it worked well!

Things you could improve: as far as i can tell, you did pretty well on grammar and spelling. The only thing that made me pause was when you said

My clothes begin to ripple in the soft air, but drop back down my body in a matter of minutes.

Hey, Luke here for a quick review!

First of all, I want to say that if you need to talk, I'm here. We, as a community, are here. You may feel lonely, but you are certainly not alone.

I did scroll up to check your age, and I wanted to say that for 13 years old, you write beautifully, poetically, and concisely- massive well done. Obviously, you have improvements and development to make (we all do!) but please keep writing and allowing your skills to develop.

I think the theme of the story as a whole is definitely something many of us can relate to. When we're low, we crave the simultaneous feeling of significance and insignificance, and I think youve captured that really effectively here. We as readers are able to tap into the way you feel, your angst, very easily, and that's quite difficult, so congratulations on that.

In terms of improvement, my biggest thing is probably the oldest trick in the book- show, not tell. Your description at times comes off as a little listy, and that serves to disengage the reader. We want more than a list of physical appearance and attributes- we want to know how the character thinks, feels, we want to know all their senses. So show us the world of the story, don't just tell us.

Overall though, I did enjoy reading this, and you have so much potential- I'm very excited to read more of your work.

Yours,
Luke