I have a few things to ask and some others to simply state. Promise you won’t get mad, won’t shout, won’t yell out in anger? Please...screaming only makes things worse as you would know by now -_- Right, so let me begin with my letter.
1st question: Why do you avoid every consequence but mental illness?
I tried to talk to you and you put it down to laziness, poor understanding or stupidity. I think you have been misunderstanding for a while now, you see in this mind I think my own things. You can’t say how I think or feel because it is my own personal head...not yours. Maybe it isn’t laziness, maybe I really just don’t want to carry on anymore. Maybe it isn’t stupidity either, maybe I am actually very emotionally intelligent and is beginning to realise my own mental state.
I remember when you shouted at me these exact words a few weeks ago “Maybe if you stopped crying to your teachers and got off that phone you wouldn’t be having this ‘anxiety’.” Yeah that stuck...and it hurts every time I think about how you yelled it. I don’t think you properly understand what’s going on in this small but short living head of mine, you wouldn’t survive a day in my shoes I can assure you of that.
That leads on to my 2nd question. Why are you so annoyed that I am speaking to another adult? I get that it can feel horrible not being seen as trusting in life, and it can feel most awful, but why are you spreading the negative vibes this way? Jealousy is a thing and I know just how terrible it can really feel being the second option...there is a reason for that though. Your reaction only pushes me away further so I don’t see your strategy here, it just doesn’t add up in my mind. Maybe I am just stupid as you have previously suggested, or maybe it’s on your end. Who knows? I thought you would be a bit relieved I have spoken to someone about it. But no, it’s only good enough if I am completely fine and tell you everything.
You get annoyed when I go on about my teacher...like really annoyed. It’s pretty funny if I’m honest just because of how much you know I like her and the annoyance it causes for you. Little did you know, I find her more motherly than you at times...aka my mum. Imagine a random woman that has taught me for nearly a year now being more trustworthy than you, who I have known all my life (13 and a half years). You do realise she truly helped me in a pure breakdown I had no control over right? You know she also lets me rant whenever I need someone to simply listen - which you don’t - to me right? She gave me the esteem I lost by a simple piece of encouragement that you don’t even know I lost to start with. Oh I wonder why I never told you *rolls eyes*. Oh yeah she also said she wanted me to be happy even if I fail all my assessments...you are still up in the air about that. Then you still have the nerve to decide that my teacher can’t mean that much and that I need to shut up about her ; I had more memories with that woman then you could even imagine...that’s why I like school so much. I actually get support and an active ear listening to me all the time which never ever happens at home, just because I am too scared to talk to you and dad.
Just a last note: I am so sorry that I am like this. I apologise for being cold and mentally ill, I am sorry for loving someone else more than I have even loved you. Last of all, I am extremely sorry for feeling terrified to talk to you after being cut off so many times in the past. It is all my fault and you deserve better...hmm or do I deserve better?
Anyways have a great year mum. Be the best you can be and carry on with your out of line efforts to keep me safe and happier both at home and everywhere else.
Love Rubes - your messed up child.
PS: I wish I could say all this to you but I will reread this to make me believe that I need you in my life. Love you :)