I break promises
Like boys break speed limits.
At a hundred miles per hour
They smash like raindrops
On the savana floor.
There's a kid everyone says
Has my eyes, left in the wake
Of a four-by-four with wheels
Taller than her head,
And she'll never forget how heartbreak
Smells like car fumes and dust.
I told her true love was a desert rose-
But the only flowers she's ever seen
Are the poppy bruises on her knees
As she buries her fear
In the corners of her cages.
She’ll be six inches taller when I next see her
And those eyes, so casually guarded
Will break from the horizons hold and turn away
As if she hasn’t been trying
To will the rainclouds back.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
There are two main imagery, elegantly going through the whole poem: a rain in the savanna and a speeding. And that is the framework which holds the poem. Everything else here is just adjacent to this. Even a desert rose* (savanna, you know, is very hot place, and the rain happens to it, as rare as a rose in the desert). The poem’s beginning and end are looped like a snake, biting its own tail, and that leaves us vivid, unforgettable impression.
* - rosette formations of crystal clusters of gypsum or baryte;
This.. This was beautiful. I don't usually read poetry myself, but the title made me curious. This was an absolutely beautiful piece, the imagery projected was vivid and I really enjoyed the way you set the poem up. I'm still debating whether it's talking about a daughter or a past love, but either way this was beautiful.. I have no other words to describe this
'As if she hasn’t been trying
To will the rainclouds back.'
The to actually seems a bit off at first, but I got it after a bit. It still seems a bit off though...
Yeah, that, beautiful poem
Oh
My
Wow.
:O I am speechless. This is so incredible!
I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it!
'ello. I love this poem greatly which is also why I wish to review it! I doubt anyone will and that's a shame. It deserves more praise from me 'cause I love this though.
I feel like the first two lines are not exactly right to the point. What about promises? I think it is almost as-if you wanted to come back to the promise but never got to it. This doesn't effect much really.. as most people read over it.
This as well, I try to understand where the cages are coming from and the significance of the metaphor but I get lost. The metaphor is clear and obviously has a point to it but whats the significance of cages to the story? I feel like it can be slightly improved.
Now what put this poem so out there was firstly the descriptions of the flowers. The metaphor had a "flavor" because it was both the symbolism of the desert rose with the poppy bruises. It was related to the story and in a genius way related to each-other flawlessly. In the other metaphor of the cages you seem to not care as much. Which is the foundation of most contemporary metaphors to take things randomly from our lives and apply it but I also feel it could be better if you applied the same technique in the same way.
The next thing was the title was awesome. The whole simile from the first stanza made it pack so much emotion. It gives the reader the applied feeling of ' yeah they act like rain drops but there are no rain drops in the desert ' both reinforcing the argument and putting even more emotion into it. The last line is awesome, just the stuff I love in a poem. Same thing, same technique, lovely.
I can see you have pretty much perfected this poem but I point to things that make me think its not as powerful as it absolutely can be. This poem is absolutely astounding though, amazing job!
Starting my review is a question. What does To will the rainclouds back mean?
The parts I liked were hm......I'm rereading it just in case I missed something. I don't understand some parts of the poem. I am only 9.You spelled savannah wrong, OR HOWEVER IT IS SPELLED! Who is the girl that you are talking about? It's sounds like a girl is in jail or in a cage. I know this is a poem because it looks like one. Uh......that's all! GOODBYE!
I haven't read anything written by you. I have now. I have to say it was an absolute beautiful poem. I really don't normally like poetry, I've been trying to get into it more. Every poem I read either scars me, frustrates me or makes me cry. This poem made me cry. Bravo for writing something so beautiful and meaningful in just 4 stanzas. And part of me is really mad at you for setting the bar so high for future poetry that I come across.
Grrrr.
wow! The last stanza especially.....Wow!
Ooh...I like this...it isn't at all what I expected but it's really wonderfully written. It's sad, though--really sad. And wonderful. Somehow it left me feeling a little more strong and determined. It sounded almost crass, but in a very effective way and it was still somehow absolutely gorgeous. Wow. Good job! I can't think of anything bad to say...maybe if I let the euphoria wear off...nah. Great poem!
:')
Tenyo!
I don't think I've ever read any of your work before, and I have to say that you write beautifully. I love the vivid imagery and wonder that this poem presents. While I'm not a huge fan of poetry and I don't get into it as easily, I really felt the emotion behind this poem.
Your first stanza is really good except for the third line. I understand what you're going for, but no one drives three hundred miles an hour and it breaks up the flow. The first stanza would read just as easily without it. I also think that the imagery, while well done, gets a little bit too heavy in the second and third stanza. "Smells like exhaust fumes and dust" is confusing, and I don't know why "taller than her head" is relevant - it just confuses me. The last stanza is beautiful.
Great work, Ten. I hope to see more of it around!