Blood leaks across the fields of our childhood,
And anger wreaks where toys lie fractured in the dirt,
Old men toil to sustain an existence void of life,
While oceans boil beneath the haze that we created.
Grudges hold through bold generations, until
Our allies fold beneath the weight of power and war,
Nature strains and sustains our desires,
While our acid rains onto her once beautiful face.
Cities sprawl across the wastes of our playgrounds,
And nations fall far from the grace that founded them,
Spirits shake in the wake of grief,
And hearts break beneath the weight of sorrow.
Families die from needless causes,
Children cry to drown out the shadow of the night,
Hope pales beneath a starless sky, and the freedom of
Truth fails to the poison of greed and hands of corruption--
Still, love prevails, in spite of our indifference,
As a surviving beacon of our humanity.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Heyhi Ten
So, I dun' really do that poetry thing much, but all your reviews so far seem to be "you rhyme and that's bad", so I thought I'd offer some thoughts on a different note. (Since, if I'm honest, I quite like rhyme, as long as you aren't sacrificing meaning to get it.)
So, my first thought on reading this was that it reminded me a bit of the poem Red Star Passes (You can read it a little way down this page http://www.pern.nl/archives/pernpoetry.htm ). It's short and simple, but that doesn't mean it can't be any good. If you pick words right, you can pack a lot into a few.
I think with something this short, it's important to think about the rhythm of the piece and whether there are places where the reader may trip up - as I think Pengu said in chat earlier, the best way to deal with this is to read the poem aloud to yourself, and see where things feel awkward. Reading this poem aloud just now, I think I really like the pattern you have going on in most of the rhyming lines - "Cities sprawl, nations fall" - with two sets of three syllables. It might be cool to keep that pattern going throughout?
The other thing that feels slightly out for me is the last couplet. It breaks the rhythm pattern, and the rhyme pattern, which makes it feel a bit out there on its own... but it also rhymes with pales/fails (assuming there that 'pail' is a typo, since 'pail' means 'bucket', whereas 'pale' can be a verb meaning 'to become faint/feeble/light in colour'), which ties it back to the previous couplet in a slightly weird way.
Overall, I quite like this. Just thought I'd try to drop by a bit of constructive criticism
first thought after reading : is it a nursery rhyme?
second thought after reading: is it one of those grammar learning techniques for adolescents for example: cat purrs, cow moos, dog barks.
but seriously, the whole seems a bit disconnected. at some points i have to agree with both the Abigails.
anyway, hope to see more of your work.
Puck
I, Abigail, agree with the Abigail below. It was far too easy to read. A dull pattern. None of it seemed to process, and if anything, I found it was a strained peice of thought. Something that is well-intentioned but overall politically correct. People that live in the land of running shoes and yogurt. If there's one thing I hate then it is poetry and politics colliding.
Also, some bits of it seemed to lack...sense. Such as "...oceans boil," Perhaps I am ill educated, but this doesn't seem to work. Is it a nod to global warming perhaps? If so... Political correctness! Naughty!
I do think that the rhyming scheme was lacking in lustre. Too generic, too ON the beaten track. Far too ABABABAB. The rhyme doesn't necessarily have to be found at the end of each line. Think assonance. Read Hardy.
However, I do like the last stanze. I think it possesses great pace, great tone, will roll off of the tongue. It ends it beautifully.
Otherwise - POLITICAL CORRECTNESS. No, no.
Hi Tenyo,
I disagree with the idea that there is too much rhyming in this poem, because I don't think there is a rhyming quota. However, the structure of the poem (a noun and a verb, verbs rhyming) was almost too easy for me to read; I glided right through it and realized at the end that I hadn't read a thing. It's so tempting to listen to the way the words sound and not really analyze the meanings behind them. You certainly have a knack for meter, but you might consider adjusting it in a way that will force the reader to think.
I do love the break in rhyme in the last stanza; it is an excellent example of form following function. Good work!
Incredible poem! I love the tone that comes out in the poem, a sort of angry, bitterness, showing all the horrific things that do happen in this world. I also love how each line is more devestating than the next, adding one layer of tradgedy over another....until the last line, a sort of unbreakable beauty in the midst of chaos. In my personal opinion I like the rhyming because it makes the poem flow and contradicts the last line that doesn't ryhme, in a genius way. It stops the reader and shows them that love is different then all these hateful things. Overall, I only found one little tiny mistake, in this line:
"Children cry, families die,
Hope pails, truth fails,"
Did you mean hope "pales" instead of hope "pails"? Anyway, magnificent, meaningful poem! I hope to read more from you!
Hey, I'm here to reveiw this poem! Yeah, okay... Anyway...
First off there's to much ryhming. Ryhming is a tool to enhance the poems, like the cilantro in panang curry or the bread in garlic bread. They way you use it in the poem is more like the letters B, I, D, and R in the word "bird". Too much ryhme takes away from the rythm and purpose of the poem.
Secondly nice word choice and imagry. The line that says "oceans boil" really made me think, so nice job on that part.
All in all it's a nice poem, it has a nice story and wonderful ideas. Great job!