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Young Writers Society



Kaeru: Part #1

by Tenyo


[I name this Part #1 because I've yet to decide on where chapter breaks go, however it's a long novel, so I apologise to anyone who clicks thinking this is part of a short story. Happy reading!]

Kaeru : Part #1

The old iron blades of the windmill creaked painfully as he balanced on the tip. It had been years since they had been used, and now the strongest winds made them rattle and groan, but never turn.

Being up there so high was like sitting on the edge of the world.

From atop he could see the dips and raises of the land around him, and in the distance lay the misty horizon and the cliff edge that led off into the ocean. It was one of the highest points in the land, or at least, for as far as he could see. A few miles away the faint lights of the village glittered and glimmered, waiting for the candle man to come and extinguish them. The sun was setting behind the misty horizon, turning the sky to a turquoise blue and casting a long shadow of the windmill across the hills. If he looked close enough he could see his own shadow, a small figure perched atop the highest blade. No doubt his mother would hate him being up here, but he liked it, and he didn't care much for what she said.

In the far, far distance he could almost see the faint glow of the city, but that was a place they rarely visited. They had everything they needed right here, and the static and buzz of the city startled him. They were content, milling about each day and going about business as if there was nothing in the world that mattered - and eventually, somewhere in his mind, he truly believed that nothing in the world mattered. Not even gravity.

Up in the sky the birds of night danced and swooped, waiting for the darkness to hide their shadows and wishing each other a good nights hunting in a shrill chorus. With each dive they dared themselves closer to him. As their shadows cavorted in the dark of his eyes he unconsciously started to sway to their movements, and his careless balance began to falter.

He tipped a little further forward, his toes clenching over the thin edge. He never was very good at balancing, not for long periods of time. That still didn’t phase him.

Lifting his head up to the sky tilted him off balance even more, but he did it anyway. The birds swung and sped between their playground of blooming stars, always weightless, always free. They are designed to defy gravity in ways that this fragile boy was not. Slowly, his knees trembling to fight the imbalance, he rose to his feet and spread his arms like the wings of the birds, waiting for the wind to push just that little harder.

The feeling of the corners of the blade through his worn out shoes was the only indication of how close he was to falling. His careful posture and false bravery came only from a frightening sense of indifference. Most people who are afraid of heights aren't afraid of heights at all. They're afraid of falling. He didn’t care, though.

At this point in time he probably wouldn't have cared if he lived or died, only that if he did that nobody would cry for him.

A bird in flight is weightless and passes in such a fleeting moment that the things below it barely notice it is there.

With each moment that passes he remembers that feeling of weightlessness.

What he would soon learn is the feeling the birds find when they dive just a little too low, out of the high winds that teach them to dance, away from the comfort and safety of their clouds. It's the moment they have to remember to beat their winds and are reminded, only briefly, that they are not weightless.

Gravity bends for nobody, whether it be the weight of a brick or the weight of a burden. Still, four foot six in height, forty six feet off the ground, he stretched his arms out and waited to see what the wind would decide. He was ever lost in a careless trance, waiting for it to knock him off his iron perch.

No matter how much he wished otherwise, as sure as the wind would always blow, gravity would always exist to pull him down.

Less than half a mile away Vincent lay low as far behind a hill as he could without loosing view of the boy. He shook his head to knock away his long, windswept hair and realigned his binoculars. Nobody had told him about this.

‘That’s the youngest of the five brothers,’ his companion said. ’He’s not the one we came for.’

‘How old is he?’

‘Fifteen.’ predecessor

Stakes

Atop the windmill the boy flinched into life and looked down so fast he fell forward and tumbled down, latching on to the edge of the blade with the tips of his fingers. The smell of bread crumble and roasted berries was enough to snap a snake from its charm. He slid down and let go of the blade just in time to kick away from it, catch a ledge and scramble into one of the upstairs windows.

‘Change your course of action,’ Vincent said, as if it were some easy thing to arrange, as if they could just change their minds on one of his whims and start all over again. ’There is your new target.’

His companion swallowed back his protests.

‘Aye.’


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Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:34 am
Evi wrote a review...



Might as well review this one too, eh? ;)

First line: how does an inanimate object creak painfully? Maybe it sounds painful to the human ears of your character, but windmills themselves can't feel pain. Then, in the next paragraph, avoid repeating "misty horizon" since the uniqueness of the phrase makes the second occurrence stick out and readers think "Didn't I just read this?"

the static and buzz of the city startled him.


Apart, "static" and "buzz" contradict each other, one indicating monotony and the other indicating flurries of excitement. If you take out the "and" it would paint a more convenient image, but that's up to you. Just examine that phrase.

wishing each other a good night#FF0000 ">[']s hunting in a shrill chorus


Don't forget your apostrophes!

Most people who are afraid of heights aren't afraid of heights at all. They're afraid of falling.


This is a really great line. It's very true.

At this point in time he probably wouldn't have cared if he lived or died, only that if he did that nobody would cry for him.


Thus, however, comes across as very angsty. Is there a less emo way to get this sentiment across?

Less than half a mile away Vincent lay low as far behind a hill as he could without loosing view of the boy.


Loosing = losing. Prooooooofreeeeeead. :P

‘Fifteen.’ predecessor

Stakes


Um, what? I don't get this. Must be some typo formatting error?

:arrow: Overall

I think Stella gave you a very insightful review, and I agree with her that the "I can't balance / yet I'm on a windmill" contradiction was weird, as well as the quite sudden POV shift to Vincent, back to the boy, and to Vincent again. Explore those transitions and see if you can smooth them down-- perhaps instead of cutting back to the boy you can show him falling through Vincent's eyes to take out that one perspective flop.

While I love a lot of your lines and images, I find your prose in the beginning, with the city and birds, at a sort of awkward halfway-ground between straight up narration and poetic narration. It's like you're trying to include all this impressive imagery and figurative language, but the phrases themselves aren't quite poetic enough to pull it off. I like the parallels drawn between the boy and gravity and falling, so do keep those, but for some of the other lines try to liven up the language a bit. Then it won't feel quite so pseudo-flowery.

Besides that, nice opening. The conflict towards the end was engaging and I feel like I know some essential things about the boy already, which is important. On to part two!

~Evi




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Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:30 am
AngerManagement wrote a review...



Wow, Ten-Ten I'm so impressed.

I've read your stuff but I don't think any of them have been as near-perfect as this one. I love your descriptions, your character and his thought patterns, but most of all, the way spoke about gravity and introduced the birds in flight.

I like that you've left us wondering who Vincent is and what exactly what he wants with the MC but I'd like to know so much more about Vincent despite the fact that he changes his mind easily, maybe make the chapter a bit longer. Other than that this was pretty much amazing. I loved it, it moved so fluidly and your wording was beautiful. I'm trying to think of some sort of criticism but I can't.




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Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:19 am
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Ten! Is this what you've been working on in all those Word Wars??

I. NITPICKS

Being up there so high was like sitting on the edge of the world.


I feel like there should be more punctuation here, but I'm not sure...
a good nights hunting in a shrill chorus.


night's.

He never was very good at balancing, not for long periods of time. That still didn’t phase him.


Yet, despite not having good balance, he's sitting on top of a windmill...

They are designed to defy gravity in ways that this fragile boy was not.


Tense!
Gravity bends for nobody, whether it be the weight of a brick or the weight of a burden. Still, four foot six in height, forty six feet off the ground, he stretched his arms out and waited to see what the wind would decide. He was ever lost in a careless trance, waiting for it to knock him off his iron perch.


Tense again!

‘Fifteen.’ predecessor
Stakes


Um. Am I missing something here? xD

II. OVERALL

You know I'm jealous of how effortlessly you write all those pretty little paragraphs. And they're great. But some things don't quite slot together- like the fact he says he's a bad balancer, why the heck would he choose to sit there then?! Then with the point of view, I don't know. It was just very sudden. If you're going to be doing that the whole way through, fine. But maybe there's a more effective way of doing it? I don't know. It was just too quick, and the tone changed a whole lot from the still nameless boy thinking about birds to Vincent planning on shooting him. I think as a beginning, I'd love to see the conflict earlier on, love to see Vincent planning on shooting him so that I know this isn't just a story about a boy who does weird things up high. It's good- but the pace doesn't seem quite right or something. I'm rambling xD

So the shift in PoV is really the only issue I have, it feels really disruptive the way you've done it. Of course, maybe that's what you're going for...

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x




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Sat Aug 13, 2011 9:06 pm
TheCrimsonQuill wrote a review...



Hi!
Okay, first off, great choice for a title. It grabbed my attention just like that :)
One comment I have to make is the amount of information you put on the platter. Not saying that it wasn't good, because your descriptions were amazing. It was just a little too much. (Or maybe it was just me o.o)
Other than that, it was a fantastic piece. Can't wait to hear more!
Keep writing :D




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Sat Aug 13, 2011 8:50 pm
AngelKnight900 says...



This was very well written and it caught my attention instantly. I admire your use of context and description since I'm a fan of such things. So keep writing.




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Fri Aug 12, 2011 10:10 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

In the far, far distance he could almost see a glimmer that was the city, but that was a place they only went to on special occasions, never for part of their daily life.

The phrase I underlined sounds awkward. Maybe you could rephrase it.

Lifting his head up to the sky knocked him off balance even more, but he did it anyway. The birds swung and sped between their playground of blooming stars, always weightless, always free. They are designed to defy gravity in ways that this fragile boy was not. Slowly, his knees trembling to fight the imbalance, he rose to his feet and spread his arms like the winds of the birds, waiting for the wind to push just that little harder.

This was my favorite part of the whole piece. I liked how you described the birds and the way the boy was trying to fly. Great job!

I really enjoyed this. It was well written and I really couldn't find anything to criticize. I can't wait to read the rest. Keep writing! :)





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