Might as well review this one too, eh?
First line: how does an inanimate object creak painfully? Maybe it sounds painful to the human ears of your character, but windmills themselves can't feel pain. Then, in the next paragraph, avoid repeating "misty horizon" since the uniqueness of the phrase makes the second occurrence stick out and readers think "Didn't I just read this?"
the static and buzz of the city startled him.
Apart, "static" and "buzz" contradict each other, one indicating monotony and the other indicating flurries of excitement. If you take out the "and" it would paint a more convenient image, but that's up to you. Just examine that phrase.
wishing each other a good night#FF0000 ">[']s hunting in a shrill chorus
Don't forget your apostrophes!
Most people who are afraid of heights aren't afraid of heights at all. They're afraid of falling.
This is a really great line. It's very true.
At this point in time he probably wouldn't have cared if he lived or died, only that if he did that nobody would cry for him.
Thus, however, comes across as very angsty. Is there a less emo way to get this sentiment across?
Less than half a mile away Vincent lay low as far behind a hill as he could without loosing view of the boy.
Loosing = losing. Prooooooofreeeeeead.
‘Fifteen.’ predecessor
Stakes
Um, what? I don't get this. Must be some typo formatting error?
Overall
I think Stella gave you a very insightful review, and I agree with her that the "I can't balance / yet I'm on a windmill" contradiction was weird, as well as the quite sudden POV shift to Vincent, back to the boy, and to Vincent again. Explore those transitions and see if you can smooth them down-- perhaps instead of cutting back to the boy you can show him falling through Vincent's eyes to take out that one perspective flop.
While I love a lot of your lines and images, I find your prose in the beginning, with the city and birds, at a sort of awkward halfway-ground between straight up narration and poetic narration. It's like you're trying to include all this impressive imagery and figurative language, but the phrases themselves aren't quite poetic enough to pull it off. I like the parallels drawn between the boy and gravity and falling, so do keep those, but for some of the other lines try to liven up the language a bit. Then it won't feel quite so pseudo-flowery.
Besides that, nice opening. The conflict towards the end was engaging and I feel like I know some essential things about the boy already, which is important. On to part two!
~Evi
Points: 60568
Reviews: 537
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