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Young Writers Society



Colourblind

by Tenyo


Colourblind

The sound of blades and guns and bombs
Leak from the battlefield
Like blood from the eyes of soldiers.

Blood that stains hands of leaders
Who lock their hearts in little black boxes
And fly them off to the south-

While men fight through the winter
Guided gently by the warmth,
Of death's footprints burned in snow.

It stains the faces of our children,
Who see the world through black and white pictures
And cannot understand the rage-

That creases up the adults faces,
Tilled into the soil and dirt,
Crawling like thorns across their cribs.

It leaks into the ageless cemetery
Where waves stand as graves
For those who died on foreign land.

Still, the sounds of the world move on.
Careless voices break the promised silence,
Slowly composing our death song.

And defending us; a blind ex-soldier,
Muttering words of untamed wisdom
To a generation lost in fear.

"Lest we forget, my sons," he says,
With red and tearless eyes.
"Lest we forget."

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287 Reviews

Points: 7596
Reviews: 287

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Wed Jan 06, 2010 6:36 pm
Moriah Leila wrote a review...



Wow, I thought this poem was so powerful and truthful. I love the ending. And I like the part about the cemetary being a wave of gravestones. Such great imagery! It reminded me of the time I went to Arlington's National Cemetary. It makes you appreciate veterans of war that much more.

My only complaint was your opening lines:

The sound of blades and guns and bombs
Leak from the battlefield


I know you are trying to compare the sounds leaking out like blood from the soldiers eyes, but I am not sure leak is the proper word to describe how it sounded. I mean, you are talking about loud noises. Loud noises don't leak out. They deafen. They boom. They vibrate. Get what I am saying?

Other than that, I thought this poem was brilliant.




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370 Reviews

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Reviews: 370

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Sun Jan 03, 2010 10:18 am
empressoftheuniverse wrote a review...



I really liked this piece. It was brutal, but uplifting at the end.
I personally don't think blood was ovverused. It didn't seem like too much to me.

TenYo wrote:Blood that stains hands of leaders
Who lock their hearts in little black boxes
And fly them off to the south-

that was just perfect; as was the last stanza.
All in all, great job.
****The Universe****




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158 Reviews

Points: 3263
Reviews: 158

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Mon Dec 28, 2009 6:01 am
thewritingdoc wrote a review...



Talk about an impressive ending!
Sheesh, I was overwhelmed.
Very intricate title, indeed.

For the most part, I thought this was fabulous. It's a style of poetry I don't think I could ever write.. very dark, sinister. It left me in a bit of a moratorium state towards the end because I was lost for words. Couples things you may want to fix:

1) Overuse of the word blood / image of blood
- in general, overusing things makes them boring to the reader
2) While men fight through the winter
In which death is on the wind,
- Line didn't work for me... but that's just me. It was awkward when read and didn't make much sense.

I could go on being picky, but there's no need.
Great work!!
Message me anytime you need a review (:
8/10


~ Tennis !





Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
— Mark Twain