The is a good story. I want to read more of it though. I would like to know the character motivation and the setting in more detail. I also would like to see more conflict. Beside that, good work.
z
(Flash Fiction: 200 Words)
September 2nd - September 5th
-1666
It was the end of summer, some time close to midnight. A soft ember from a bakers oven strayed from its nesting place on a cool shallow breeze. Creeping, crawling, licking and leaping, with each small thing it ate its hunger grew.
Nobody cared, that's what father said; about the baker or his home, or the little flames in another street. Not until the streets where alight, but by then it was all too late. Within hours the grand city of London was burning to the ground. Against the black sky, for the first time, she almost looked majestic. Her streets were bright and bustling, and all the rooftops were gleaming.
Out on the river we clambered into little rowing boats, and even though the wind was cold the flames kept us warm through the night. When morning came we watched in fear and anticipation. The hours dragged to days, and the fire got bigger and bigger.
By the fourth day, London was dead. St Pauls cathedral had been destroyed - the giant crucifix behind the alter hung scorched and broken. The ruin saw even children able to climb over the rubble of the weeping western gates, who also had bowed to the blaze. Bridewell palace, where I had been schooled, still sung in her majestic tone, even though she knew that her children would not return.
With tense shoulders and bowed heads we walked, dragging our feet along the ground. Britains proudest city now lay in ashes beneath our weary feet.
The is a good story. I want to read more of it though. I would like to know the character motivation and the setting in more detail. I also would like to see more conflict. Beside that, good work.
I agree with others before me--the point of "flash fiction" is to give your readers a snapshot image of something, usually trying to be very descriptive. Usually people describe one scene instead of a longer story.
Actually, if I were you, I'd scrap the flash fiction part and decide to make this a longer story-and pick something else to make more flash-fictiony.
That said, what I would change: Characterization (now that you have more room, give your MC a voice, history, life) and description (there really wasn't all that much of it).
So, I hope this helps a litte.
If you ever need a review or anything, PM me!
See you around,
Lupis
I agree that this piece needs a stronger 'voice'. It's images are very nice, but I have no idea about who is seeing them. Are they a child or a teenager? Male or female? I think by giving this piece more characterisation you could really improve it, as it would give more sense of the devastation, and make the reader feel sad, as they were attatched to that particular character. You're very good at description, I think it's just a case of combining the two.
I hope this helps!
Sophie
I'm not a professional editor... but besides several grammatical errors, this piece was outstanding!!
Thanks for submitting it!
-Seibhris
Creeping, crawling, licking and leaping, with each small thing it ate its hunger grew.
Nobody cared, that's what father said; about the baker or his home, or the little flames in another street.
Not until the streets where alight, but by then it was all too late.
Within hours the grand city of London was burning to the ground.
Against the black sky, for the first time, she almost looked majestic.
Her streets were bright and bustling, and all the rooftops were gleaming.
Out on the river we clambered into little rowing boats, and even though the wind was cold the flames kept us warm through the night.
The hours dragged to days, and the fire got bigger and bigger.
St Pauls cathedral had been destroyed - the giant crucifix behind the alter hung scorched and broken.
Bridewell palace, where I had been schooled, still sung in her majestic tone, even though she knew that her children would not return.
With tense shoulders and bowed heads we walked, dragging our feet along the ground. Britains proudest city now lay in ashes beneath our weary feet.
Hi Zib here to review
Okay i really liked this because it was super descriptive and had a good flow. Just some parts that were hard to understand, but maybe its because im blonde...
TenYo wrote:The ruin saw even children able to climb over the rubble of the weeping western gates that too had bowed to the blaze.
TenYo wrote:our wary feet
TenYo wrote:Against the black sky, for the first time, she almost looked majestic.
Hi there!
First thing that I have to say is a really short story. I loved the description in this piece, it was so vivid that I could almost see the image as I read it. I also liked the fact that it was set in 1666, a time which not many people know about, even though they may have learned about in History at school.
One of the main problems I have, though I may just be a spelling fanatic, is that you put where twice instead of were. For example:
Her streets where bright and bustling, and all the rooftops where gleaming.
Points: 790
Reviews: 2
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